#1: WHY THE OSCARS SUCK THIS YEAR.

This is my first column so I apologize if it's a bit scatter brained.

Now that that's out of the way let me tell you something: I don't see movies in the theater often. That was the one and only thing that prevented me from becoming a site like Movie Rama. Instead I opted from the Stomp Tokyo approach. . .not that that's a bad thing. Where is the paragraph going? Simple, I'm explaining why this wont be another one of those Oscar columns that goes "Well (insert movie here) is definitely going to make a strong showing at the awards," or, "Now (insert actress here) should definitely walk away with an award." No, instead these will be more random thoughts and observations more then anything else.

Being a slightly seasoned Oscar watcher I have noticed a few things. First of all, has anyone else noticed how all the movies that win the big awards seam to be released in the dead of winter? Its almost as if the Academy doesn't even care about movies that were released in the summer, and forget January. Take this year for example. During the last few weeks of 1998 movie studios scrambled to give movies a "limited theatrical release" before the year ran out. Movies opened in New York and LA but those of us out in the country (it's like a whole other world, man) had to wait until the new year for those same movies. Do those in Hollywood give a hoot about those of us who aren't in New York and LA? Don't they realize that if they release their movies nation wide they'll make more money and get their movie release in time to be judged by the academy?

Though, I suppose inflated New York ticket prices would cover most of that. Never mind.

Let's talk about the awards themselves. Lets talk about the fact that they have special categories reserved for some genres, but not others. You'll hear lots about the "Best Dramatic Picture of the year" but where is the "best action movie of the year"? The "best sci-fi picture of the year,"? Why doesn't the all powerful Oscar committee do this. If they did it would open up a whole shit load of new categories that would make the Oscars run longer and let TV producers sell even more commercial time, thus making more cash, which would trickle down to the Oscar gods.. Does anyone have a problem with that? Me thinks not.

What else? Oh, yes. Let us not forget the fact that that load of testosterone driven drivel, that sack of simple minded shit, that package of patriotic pragmire, Armageddon has be nominated for an award. That's right, the movie I just love to hate is being recognized by a major award show. All in the presence of movies that actually deserve to be awarded. How this could happen has firmly convinced me of the decline of Western civilization. Not even a 5th Leprechaun movie could do more to convince me of it now.

And do you know what really twists the knife? The fact that this. . .thing (Armageddon doesn't even disserve to be called a movie in my eyes) beat out one of the movies that I enjoyed most this summer. Not The Mask of Zorro or, The X-files. I like those too, but they weren't even considered, (something I also have a problem with). No, friends, I speak to you of none other then the King himself, Godzilla.

What, you gasp, you actually like Godzilla? But I thought ever movie critic hated that movie.

You thought wrong. I would happily rate it right below The Mask of Zorro and slightly above The X-files movie on the old entertainment scale (not pun intended). I like this movie and I am not ashamed to admit it. If you didn't like it, well. . .screw you. Get your own web site. And the fact that our beloved G-man was beaten out by that two hour explode-a-thon that dares to call itself a movie is an insult to me, all G-fans, and the human right to be entertained. If nothing else this makes it the one year that I will skip the Oscars, for they have truly lost all respect in my eyes. If something goes wrong with the telecast this year, do not attempt to adjust your screen. You'll know who to blame.

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You think Armageddon is better then Godzilla? Then keep your emails to yourself.