REVIEW DATE: 3:7:99

I suppose calling someone a "poor man's Steven Seagal" has compelled me to watch a rich man's Steve Seagal in action. It's been quite some time since I've bothered to watch a Steve Seagal movie, and Above the Law has made me remember why.

You see, no matter how hard he tries, Steven Seagal just can't act. Unfortunately he tries and he tries to act, refusing to except his own lack of talent. And while he tries, he gets very, very annoying. You just want to reach into your TV, through the space time continuum, and hit him over the head with something very big, very hard, and very blunt. Anything to make him shut up and stop trying to act. For the sake of your own soul, Seagal, don't try to act anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, that was a lot of exclamation points.

But, unfortunately, there is something even more annoying then Steve trying to act. Yes, and that thing is (drum roll, please) . . . trying to watch one of his movies! If your not an action fan and your trying to watch something like Above the Law then welcome to 96 minuets pure tedium. And if you can't tell where the plot of this movie is going 30 minuets into it then . . .well. . . you're a fan of Steven Seagal movies. And you're probably one of those people who like Armageddon, too.

For those of you who aren't fans of Seagal I'll be dropping little Steven Seagal Movie Conventions (SSMC) throughout, because Above the Law is the a-typical Seagal movie, and it perfectly high lights all the good and bad things that inhabit your typical Steven Seagal movie.

Here, big Steve (or is that Steven King's nickname? I forget) plays Nico Toscani. Here we have SSMC#1: Seagal always plays a character with an ethnic background and usually a weirdass name. You won't find him playing a character named John Smith any time soon. Nico is also ex-CIA agent turned Chicago PD, which brings us to SSMC#2: Seagal always seams to play characters that are ex-some-damned-government-acronym-or-another. But that's not all, Nico is also trained in the art of ninja, so we stumble into  SSMC#3: all of Steven's characters are usually good at martial arts, to the point were they can kill anyone with their bare hands. Cool huh?

One day our ex-CIA Italian Ninja (that enough ethnic and social groups for ya?) is minding his own business making a quite little drug bust. It seams that the mob is under siege from Nico and his posse. But, after going to all the trouble of capturing the friendly neighborhood drug dealer and his smuggled shipment of explosives he finds that the CIA releases them both.

SSMC#4: the bad guys always drug dealers or terrorists, sometimes both. Regardless, they usually have lots of explosives.

Finding himself and his family under siege by a government conspiracy, Nico goes out for justice, and enters some dark territory in his search for the truth. The mob and our mystery villain try to stop him, but Nico is just too hard to kill. Eventually Nico finds that this whole plot is the work of the evil ex-military guy, Zagon (Henry Silva), who planed to use the explosives to assassinate a senator who can't be bought out. With a name like Zagon, it has to be evil, right? Nico puts a stop to their plan really freekin' fast and doesn't even go to prison for all the murders he's committed. Why? Because, stupid, he's above the law. The end.

Boy, that was a lot of puns for one plot synopsis. Let me bask in the glow of my own wit for a second.

.....

Okay, where were we? Oh yes, acting. What acting? I really can't remember one good performance in the entire cast. But, to be fair, I can't remember a bad performance ether. The entire scale of acting ranges from the mediocre to the . . . even more mediocre. Snore.

You don't care about acting, though, do you? No, if you're reading this you probably want to watch stuff blow up, right? Well, be happy, because a fair amount of stuff does go boom. If you want anything more then why are you watching a Steven Seagal movie?

Trivia buffs might also be interested to know who else stars in this movie. Besides Seagal you'll also notice Pam Grier as Nico's partner in crime busting, Jax. Those of you who like Women In Prison movies will remember Pam (parts of her, anyway) from such classics as The Big Bird Cage. Women will remember Pam for . . .um. . . such classics as The Big Bird Cage, of course!

And if you think that's good, guess who else I found? No less then Sharon Stone as Nico's wife, Sara. But those of you who are just about to rush out and rent this movie better keep it in your pants because (a) this movie was made in 1988, so no one knew what kind of (ahem) assets Ms. Stone was carrying around on her, and (b) her character is reduced to a bit part. She has about 10 lines in the entire movie. That's why I didn't sound the Emergency Well-Known Actor Alert System. Here's a sample of her lines:

Sara: Honey, why is the CIA calling you at 2 o'clock in the morning?