THE ENGLISH PATIENT

As I stare at my Vault, I realize that something is missing. I've got some weird ass sci-fi movies, some not so good action movies, and about four Hollywood "blockbusters". Ya know what's missing? Romance movies!

Yes a good romance is what I needed to complete my list, thus assuring a. balanced, nutritious Vault, that's also a part of your complete breakfast.

But something else was missing too. I brooded and I stewed for some time and then, like a kick in the head from Batman, it hit me: an Academy Award winner! That's what I needed! Duh! Why didn't I think of that? So with this in mind I went to my local video store and thus searched for a movie that was both romantic, and an Academy Award winner.

You'd be surprised how many there are to chose from. But in the final analysis, it came down to two  movies: this one, and Titanic. Of course, since Titanic is so well loved by the teenage girls (and over weight movie critics) of America what I have to say about it might ruffle more feathers then I want to ruffle at this time (I do want you to come back to this site, after all). So I chose The English Patient to have the honor of being the first award-winning movie to be reviewed by Dr. Psy Chosis.

Boy, what a bad choice.

Let me start by saying that The English Patient is about the most boring critically acclaimed movie it has ever been my tedious displeasure to sit through. Never has a movie numbed my brains or leaded my eyelids as much as this movie. Well . . .maybe Armageddon, but its a tough call.

I know what those of you who liked this movie are saying. You're saying, "How can you say that?"   Simple. I just did. Reread the previous paragraph and see how easy it is. I'll wait.

Finished? Good. Now, before all you professional critics start to pummel me with stones, hear me out on this.  Lets start with the plot. Set in the latter days of World War 2 the movie (all 3 hours of it) fallows Ralph Finnes' chracter, The English Patient, who is the survivor of a plane crash and badly burnt as well as suffering from amnesia (boy, this movie piles it on thick). Kristin Scott Thomas starts as an army nurse who has lost every friend she ever had to the war. Like so many melodramatic women before her, she thinks that she has somehow caused her friends to die. Rather then place the rest of her company in danger she shacks up with The English Patient in an abandoned Italian church, where she plans to stay with him until he dies.

But by some of the blackest black magic, the makers of this movie manage to stretch that little plot into 3 hours of brain numbing tedium. How could they manage this? Simple: Flashbacks. Lots of them, an overwhelming, mind-boggling amount of them. This kind of movie is usually called a "Non-traditional narrative structure". Its one of those plots that starts near the end and then goes back and shows us how the characters got where they are.

These flashbacks tell the story of how The English Patient got into a plane crash. It seams he was a mapmaker in North Africa during the 1930's. Once there he stole a woman (Juliet Binoche, who looks a hell of a lot like Helen Hunt) away from her husband. Their extramarital affair drags on for eight years and at times the movie seams to be trying to film the affair in real time.

Perhaps the one of reason I think this movie is a waste of time is because I could tell you the ending in detail (complete with a little plot twist the script throws at us 2 hours and 40 minuets into the proceedings, the only good plot twist here) 30 minuets into the movie. I could predict the future 2 hours and 30 minuets before hand. Ether I'm psychic as well as psychotic, or this script is so obvious it can't help but surround it's ending with big flashing lights and honking horns, plus it draws out a big sign that says "Ending, this way," just for you.  How kind of it.

And there is this whole sub plot the Kristin Scott Thomas' chracter and her love affair with a bomb defusing Sikh (yep, Sikh). While some people (re: women) might find this romantic I just ask myself "Was this sub plot necessary? Wasn't the movie long enough without it?" The whole movie could have focused its attention on Dafoe's chracter and his story, but noooo! It had to try to give Thomas' chracter screen time too for no good reason that I can think of.

Its not like this is a terrible movie mind you. Its not Batman and Robin or Up From the Depths, but it does have the misfortune to step on the same land mine as those two pieces of cinematic crap. Put simply, its not entertaining. In my Mission Statement I listed "entertainment" as the first thing I look for in a movie. A movie can be more, oh yes. But if it doesn't entertain on some level, the rest is lost.

Lest you think ill of me they're are some good things in this movie. Finnes is a great actor and he gives a commanding performance as both the burnt and un-burnt English Patient. Unfortunately he plays the chracter with such meanness and slyness (he's like James Bond's evil twin) that he comes across as the biggest asshole I have yet to see grace the screen. Why anyone would fall in love with him is beyond me.

Juliet Binoche does fine in with the one dimension of the character she is given to play. But, by virtue of her own acting skill, her character doesn't inspirer any sympathy from me. What's worse, her character isn't given any development what so ever. She just isn't well rounded. Why not is beyond me, there certainly was time enough for it. Why exactly did she break up with her husband? It's made quite obvious that he loves her so why would she fall for such an asshole as The English Patient. Was she just bored? I know I was.

While it does have some good acting and the country it was filmed in was beautiful (mental note: visit North Africa.) it's just to long and none of the characters are particularly likeable. I think this is actually two movies in one in fact. One is about Finnes' love affair; the other is about Scott Thomas' love affair with the Sikh. This movie is a movie, and its own sequel!

So, what saves this movie from getting a single G rating? Simple. My mother. My family and I watched this movie together and it just blew my mom away. I think she cried in a couple of scenes, and whenever I made a snide comments she would always tell me to shut up so she could enjoy the movie. This indicates to me that women might have a different take on this movie then men.

If you’re a woman who just loooves romance, movies then this movie might be for you. And if you are one of those few men who didn't fall asleep during as showing of The Bridges of Madison County then you might get some enjoyment out of this movie too.

Everybody else should stay far away.

RATING(OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)

IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO WIN AN ACADEMY AWARD.  

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