THE KISS
REVIEW DATE
2/13/99
All right, I've done my part and reviewed a romantic
movie for Valentines day. Now that that's
over its time to get back to the usual, er,
treasures that I pull off the video shelves.
First let me clear up the fact that The Kiss is most defiantly not a romance movie. In fact it's quite the competent little horror movie. But man, is it ever weird. With witches and voodoo and psychotic cats (oh my) this is probably not the movie you and your sweet heart will want to cuddle up with. Unless your sweet heart is a splatter punk too, that is.
Now, fans of the super slasher movie Scream (or people who have
seen the trailer) will know that one of the unspoken rules of horror movies is that a
character must never, never say the words "I'll be right back." Sure
enough, a humble suburban wife makes the mistake of saying "I'll be right
back"and, sure enough, 5 minuets later she is hit by a good sized truck, insuring
that she will most defiantly not be right back.
Well it turns out voodoo was the culprit of that little "accident". And when the "accident" accrues mom leaves behind a slightly slutty daughter, Amy (Meredith Salenger) and goodie two shoes husband, Jack (Nicholas Kilbertus). Into both their lives swings mom's long lost fashion designing sister, Felice (Joanna Pacula) who immediately starts to put the movies on Jack.
It doesn't take long for those of us the figure out that Felice is actually the architect of the "accident". Seams that she was possessed by some slimy, black, devil thing when she was really young and apparently must now pass it on to Amy. Those darn demons just can't be happy in one body can they?
After we figure that out there isn't much left for the audience to do except be impressed by the gore FX being tossed around. And what a gruesome allotment they are. We got some vintage Chris Wallace up in here, man. If you have no idea who that is let me refesh your memory. Chris is the make up man who won awards in 1986 when he did make up effects for what I consider to be the ultimate horror movie, The Fly. There we saw Jeff Goldblume turn into a mushy, oozing shadow of himself. Here we see Joanna Pacula get stabbed with scissors, the above mentioned psycho cat, and a catholic priest spontaneously combust.
In the end The Kiss serves up some great gore, two shots of Joanna Pacula's breast. . .and not much else. Most of the actors walk through their roles, almost like their just waiting to pick up their pay checks. Nicholas Kilbertus acts almost like a sitcom dad. The only problem I have with that is the fact that I hate sitcoms. Meredith Salenger might be a good actress if she actually gets to exercise her skill some. It ain't happening here though, nope, its all brainless teenage scream queen highjenks for Ms. Salenger.
And then their was Joanna. She manages to be quite the slinky villain in this movie. She's sort of a watered down version of the female zombie from one of the Night of the Living Dead sequels. And if you didn't get that reference, yes there are Night of the Living Dead sequels out there. I'll review some one of these days.
Like I
said this isn't exactly the kind of movie that would get your lover in the mood. . .unless
of course your lover is turned on by seeing a delivery boy get sliced open by a demonic
cat. And if that is the case then I advise you to get out of that relationship
right now.
RATING (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE
UNLESS YOUR IN TO THAT SORT OF THING, THAT IS
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