REVIEW DATE:6:28:9:9

Ah, the 80s. That magical, mystical time where we voted for Ronald Reagan and smoke lots of crack. Which probably explains why we voted for Ronald Reagan. Of course, I missed that election by a couple of years so I should say why you voted for Ronald Reagan. I certainly didn't. I prefer the president to be human myself.

Nevermind, this review has nothing to do with my political affiliation. However, it has a lot to do with an almost unknown piece of cinema from 1981 called Time Bandits (hence the spiffy logo).

I have satellite TV, a fact which makes me very happy. Not only does it supply me with 200 channels with which to rot my brain including MTV and the Sci-Fi Channel, but it also spews out a hearty supply of crappy movies, letting me waste more hours then I even knew I had. I was wasting those hours when, low and behold, I stumbled upon Time Bandits. Made in that 10-year hangover called the 80s, it shows it's age in a big way. Not that that's a bad thing.

Kevin (Craig Warnock) is a little boy who's interested in history. Kind of ironic, when you think about it. His parents are lower class British idiots, and so agravatingly stupid that I just wanted to reach through the TV an poor hot tea down there pants (I've been waiting to use that joke for so long, you have no idea). Kevin, thankfully, is saved from the horrors of working class Britain when a band of midgets with guns crawl through his closet.

Okay, so they're not midgets, or "little people", or the 1/8th clones if mad scientists. No, they're dwarves. Dwarves who have stolen a map from God himself. How do we know it's God? Well, when a big giant head with a big, giant voice (Ralph Richardson) appears in a beam of light its either God or Zardoz. My bet's on God.

Escaping through Kevin's wall (with Kevin in tow), the band finds themselves in Napoleonic France. And so begins a grand quest across time and space. The dwarves, as their leader Randle (David Rappaport) tells Kevin, worked in the Creation Department, but were demoted for screwing up. Something about a 600-foot tree the smelled really bad. Demoted to repairs, it was the dwarves job (and there are 6 of them, not seven, so don't ask) to fix all the whole in the space time continuum. "So we thought," says Randle, "why repair them when we can use them to get stinking rich?" The map they stole is a map of those holes in time

Yes, True Believer, we have stumbled across a movie about a kid and some time traveling dwarves stealing historic things. They rob Napoleon after they get him all nice and drunk. They steal riches from King Agamemnon (Sean Connery, 7 years after Zardoz no less). They get robed by Robin Hood (John Cleese) and drink champagne on the RMS Titanic.

"Is that the whole plot," you ask? No, silly, it can't be. What is this, Armageddon? For, in the Fortress of Infinite Darkness (Hummm, must be something evil in there. Ya think?). Inside, the Supreme Evil (David Warner) plots to steal the map, and escape from his imprisonment. Infinite Darkness can get so boring, you know? So, with his band of Odious Comic Relief. . .(oops I mean his band of Demons) in tow, he sets to lure our heros to the Fortress. Told you there was something evil in there.

Time Bandits is a weird little movie. No, that doesn't have enough emphasis. It is a WEIRD little movie. But it's uniquely weird in a cool sort of way so typical of the 1980s. Name another "time traveling dwarves" movie, I dare ya! I double dare ya!

Though the network I watched this movie one (who shall remain nameless until they pay me) made a big show out of "Time Bandits staring Sean Connery", you should know that Sean only stops by for a bit part as Agamemnon. He pops up, kills a Minotaur, (its just a guy with a cattle skull head, so don't get excited), puts some people to death, and grows fond of Kevin. He goes through it all in the same gruff, "I'm Sean Connery, so up yours" manner as he did Zardoz. So much for him.

Hey, guess what, this movie is actually a comedy. And it is funny. Really funny. Really, really funny.  Most of this is thanks to screenwriters and Michael Palin director Terry Gilliam who wrote all the Monty Python flicks. Explains why Cleese came along for the ride. His Robin Hood is probably the funniest historical figure in the show. His Robin Hood is weird in a homoerotic sort of way that I just can't put my figure on. Not that there's anything wrong with that. . .

Probably the only other standouts would be David Rappaport and David Warner. Randle is the funniest non-historical character in the movie, with all the best lines. David (Quest of the Delta Knights) Warner actually strikes a balance between being funny and being evil. This is a damn hard thing to do since it's tough to be laughed at a feared at the same time. Warner somehow pulls it off.

Kevin isn't annoying, and for a child actor this is a big hurtle to cross.

Anyone besides by high school drama teacher ever watch the Jim Henson movie Labyrinth? It stared David Bowie, a little girl and some Muppets, remember? Well, if you liked that movie you'll probably like this one too. However, the biggest group of people I can think of for this flick would be those fans of fantasy epics. Hey, guys tired of trudging your way through a sea of Lord of the Rings rip-offs? Well this one's for you.

RATING (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)

TO WEIRD NOT TO LIKE.