H.G.Wells'
THE TIME MACHINE
"H.G.Wells' The Time Machine" my ass.
Sorry, had to get that off my chest.
Just what do I mean? Well, look, here we have a great work of sci-fi literature that was "updated" for the 1960s. Of course, this begs the question "If its such a great work of literature why the hell gives people the right to mess with it?" It is my sad duty to report to all you English teachers, and literature critics that this version of The Time Machine is badly messed with. Sigh.
But you're not here for a book review, right? No, you want a movie review, don't you? Well, you've come to the right place, baby (yeah!).
Goodie goodie professor and all around "stiff assed Brit." (to quote a James Bond movie) George (Rod Tailor) is interested in time. I mean very interested in time. If clock collecting were a gold medal event then Georgie would blow the competition all the way to Mars. Since this is Victorian England (about 1900), and we all know how inventive the Victorian English are (I mean, they build a giant tunneling device in At Earth's Core, the Nautilus in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, found The Lost World, and became the First Men in The Moon,) its not long before George builds a time machine.
After that, since we
English literature demands some kind of conflict, Something Goes Horribly Wrong. You ever
notice how Something always Goes Horribly Wrong? I mean, can't scientists get a
break? Guess not, since this Something That Goes Horribly Wrong transports Georgie to the
year 1960 where (guess what!?) he's caught in an atomic war! What a surprise? A sci-fi
movie made in the 1960s that has to deal with atomic war? Who'd a thunk it? Anyway, the
Atomic war of 1960 leaves George frozen in a cavern of lava until the year 802,701 or
parts there of.
Once there Boy George discovers that future society is made up of a bunch of, blond beach blanket bimbos (say that 3 times fast). These natural blondes basically spend their days eating and sun bathing. Add "purging" to that list and they'd be just like today's natural blondes. They also happen to live in fear of the Morlocks, a race of cannibalistic, humanoid, underground dwellers (or C.H.U.D.'s but that's another bad movie we'll get to eventually). Impressed by his rugged, all-American good looks (I guess) one of the blondes (there actually called the Eloi), named Wena (Yvette Mimieux) befriends George and show him the "talking rings" which supply back story on both the Eloi and the Morlocks which we'll get to latter.
Turns out that the Eloi and the Morlocks were once both human, the Morlocks choosing to live underground. Since they pray on the Forest Gump-ian Eloi and we can't have that, its up to a big strong man to teach the Eloi how to fight and end their oppression. Since this is 802,701, there isn't a big strong man to be found. Looks like it's up to George.
Can you guess where this is going? Well, in the book, Wena kicks the bucket and George goes 30 million more years into the future. Think that's how this ends? *BUZZZZZ*! I'm sorry, but you're ass is wrong, little mister. We can't have an ending like that; it's to depressing. No, instead George frees the Eloi, gets his air headed girl, and stays to help the Eloi start a new society. A nice, civilized, English one, of course.
Yes, that was cynical. When I get pissed, I get cynical, okay? And I have a reason, too: I really loved The Time Machine as a kid, and I really hate to see it hacked to pieces with a nice little feel good ending tapped on to please the masses. This is a great story written by one of the great authors of classic sci-fi and just who the hell is screenwriter David Duncan to think he can mess with it? Apparently, he's the guy director George Pal hired off the street. Kinda like the Eloi actors.
And let's talk about those actors. I'm sure that in 1960 Rod Taylor made women everywhere swoon with his rugged good looks and giggle at the fact that his name is "Rod". Of course, to this jilted 1999 movie critic, Rod actually impresses me with the enthusiasm with which he plays George. Still makes me giggle at the fact that his name is "Rod", though. (Uh, huh, huh. Rod. That's cool.)
The rest of the cast though. . . ugh! It's as if someone removed a portion of their brains, dumped it in a vat of experimental drugs, and then re-attached it. The result is an entire cast with the personality of a roll of toilet paper. The part of Wena could have been played by a inanimate carbon rod (uh, huh, huh. Rod) for all the acting skill Yvette Mimieux can bring to the part. And she's French, too. You all hate the French, right?
Of course, I could mention the rest of the Eloi cast. . .if they actually did anything worth wasting space. No, they just stand around like lobotomized zombies until it's time to make a fist and punch some Morlocks.
Did
I forget to mention the Oscar winning special effects? Yes, I think its time to lob some
compost at them. Well those effects are called "time-lapse photography", a
highly advanced SPFX technique used by every freaking nature show PBS has ever aired.
Guess nobody used SPFX that year at all.
I'm a big enough man to admit that, while this totally brutalizes a classic for no apparent reason, the new stuff is integrated well enough so that, if you haven't read the book, this might be a pretty enjoyable movie. You'd have to get over Wena-the-living-blow-up-doll's question "How do the women of your time wear their hair?" first.
Hey, when all is said and done, The Time Machine is the perfect example of 1960s sci-fi. Men are men and women. . .are stupid. And through it all is our All-American hero, here to save the day.
Barf.
RATING (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)
