REVIEW DATE 3:14:9:9
REVIEW DATE 3:14:9:9
On their links page the guys@Stomp Tokyo.com tell the world that everyone should come to this site "for more bad movie fun." They're right, in a way, since I seam to be in the habit of reviewing movies that have been given the ol' MST3K treatment. That's the "bad movie" part. However, because I'm also in the habit of watching these movies without the aid of Mike and the 'bots, I can't find the "fun" part anywhere in the experience.
Of course, I have only myself to blame. Maybe I really am mad. . .I kind of like that possibility. The feeling it gives me is all warm and fuzzy and stuff. Umm. . fuzzy.
Huh? You still here? Oh, you probably want some sort of review of Werewolf don't you? I suppose that's why your reading this in the first place. Okay, here goes:
In the dry sandy desert of what is suppose to be Arizona, but looks a heck of a lot like Utah (not that there's much difference) an werewolf skeleton is discovered? How do we know it's a werewolf skeleton? Is it because of the long, wolf like jaw, the curved talons, and the misshapen skull? No, silly, we know because creepy music starts playing whenever the skeleton is on screen. Our scientists, being scientists, take the lycanthrope corpse back to their lab.
Now, despite the fact that this movie is suppose to take place in Flagstaff Arizona, every one of these scientists seams to have some sort of funky Eastern European accent. Greek, I think, but its tough to tell because (a) I haven't been to Eastern Europe and (b) the boom mike operator seams to have taken a coffie break that lasted the whole shoot. Thus, only about 1 line in 3 manages to be intelligible. Don't worry if your average varies, maybe your not suppose to understand the story. Maybe the director, Tony Zarindast, realized how lame this script is, so he cast actors who couldn't speak good English, and gave the sound man the day off to disguise the fact that the script is lame. He fails miserably.
Or, maybe Zarindast just wanted the experience to be even more tedious and painful to the audience. He succeeds beyond my wildest nightmares. In a few scenes I was almost driven insane by the sheer tedium of it all. Perhaps Zarindast wants to undermine society by producing movies so bad they drive people into fits of insanity (ha, shows what he knows, I'm already mad, I can't go insane).
Man, now I'm really off track. Okay, once in the lab we are introduced to our evil scientists, Yuri (George Rivero) and Noel (Richard Lynch). Lynch might just look familiar to you, but only if you've watched movie's like Scanner Cop, Cyborg 3, Trancers 2, Maximum Force, or Sizzle (to name some of the more strangely named movies in his filmogrophy). If Rivero looks familiar to you then you've watched to many bad movies. Here, as with most of their other movies, neither can act worth a crap. I've seen blow up dolls express more emotion then these two. Oh, and I almost forgot our good scientists, Natalie (Adrianna Miles) and Paul (Federico Cavalli), both of which are played by characters so unknown that the VideoHound's Golden Movie Retriever has absolutely zero info on ether. There's a reason for that. But we'll get to that later.
First I'll stop interrupting myself and finish the damn plot synapsis. After some long, boring, I'd-rather-watch-paint-dry exposition Paul is scratched by the werewolf skull and becomes one himself. He kills our evil scientists, and some various extras, bites Natalie and they both live lycanthropously ever after. The end, finally.
Good, God, is it possible to describe how boring and laborious this movie can get at times? Imagine watching snails racing. Now imagine watching snails racing on syrup, the extra sticky kind. You've almost got it.
Yet, despite that, watching a werewolf trying to drive a car has to be the funniest things I've seen in a long, long time. It doesn't do much, but with movies like this you have to take your entertainment where you can get it.
But, despite that, everything else sucks. As Natalie, Ms. Milles plays the character as if she had her brains sucked out and were replaced by a. . .a. . .a snail racing on syrup, actually. Paul acts as if all that oil he put on his hair has seeped through his scalp and is gumming up the works of his brain. Hey, maybe those aren't accents, maybe they're speech impediments. Regardless, the performances here are so stilted they could survive a 60 foot tidal wave without any trouble what so ever.
Joe Estevez is in this movie. Okay, next topic.
A note to Mr. Zarindast: if you want to collapse society, just use an atomic bomb, it'll be a lot quicker and easier for all involved the continuing to make movies. The same goes for the chimps who wrote this script. Don't make society suffer through a slow and painful death, stop making movies.
RATING (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)
GUESS WHAT, PEOPLE, I'M MAD!