ZOLTAN
HOUND OF DRACULA
Review Date:
1/31/99
I know, there's probably nothing on this planet that
would convince you to rent a movie called Zoltan: Hound of Dracula, and I'm not
even going to try because, put simply, this movie sucks.
Yes, that was a bad pun. But admit it, you saw it
coming. I just wanted to get that little joke out of my system and I swear I won't make
any more. Lets begin, shall we?
As
with almost every story with the word "Dracula" in the title this one starts out
in eastern Europe where the army has blasted into the ground and discovered a lost tomb of
Draculas, and an earthquake has uncovered two coffins, each containing corpses with stakes
through they're hearts. Now, anyone who has seen a vampire movie knows that, no matter
what, you do not touch the stake. Sadly the army manages to post the one
guard they forgot to tell this to on watch duty. Stupid boy pulls out one of the
stakes and gets eaten by Zoltan. He's so dumb he disserves what he gets.
After having a light snack Zoltan rips open another
coffin and frees Veidt Smith (Reggie Nalder), a kind of Renfeild like character,
half human, half vamp. Because he doesn't get burned in sun light or crave blood he can
walk around in the day without trouble. The catch is he has to serve a vampire as his
master. With all the Draculas dead he leaves the crypt in search of a new master.
That new master is Michael Drake, Dracula's last
living, human relative. Drake lives in LA ('cuse it saves on expensive location shooting)
and is going on vacation with his family and his dogs. Once they get to their camp site
Zoltan starts to vampires the family dogs and Veidt prepares to serve his new master.
And what Dracula story would be complete without a
Van Helsing like character to explain what is going on? Said character is Inspector Branco
(José Ferrer), who, Donald Pleasence impression firmly in place, tracks Veidt all the way
to CA and confronts Drake about his heritage. Drake seams to swallow the whole story
without much fuss (personally I'd be scared shitless to find out I was related to a
Dracula) and sends his family away while he and Branco go dog hunting.
You can probably see the plot from here. Branco
stabs Veidt, Mike stabs his own dogs, and forces Zoltan off a cliff to be impaled by fence
posts. The end.
Okay, let me begin by saying that this movie does
one of the worst things movies can do: It has stupid people do stupid
things for stupid reasons. Probably the dumbest thing happens even before the
credits role as a soldier pull a stake out of Zoltan's corpse! How dumb is that!? Did this
guy have the flu the day his commanding officer talked about that? And even if he did,
what would compel a person to pull a wooden stake out of a corpse? *Sigh*. I suppose
writer Frank Ray Perilli had to start the plot somehow. Still. . .
Then there's the acting, or what little there is of it. The only
character with any character in the whole cast is Inspector Branco, and even José can't
manage to act with any gusto. I suppose I should cut him some slack because his character
is so under written, but he's not that good in his role. Maybe Donald Pleasence
would have done better. But then, if he had this would be one more stain on Donald's
career.
Every other "actor" (I use that term
lightly) exists to chew scenery, or be chewed by a vampire dog.
But Ya know the strangest thing? I find myself not
hating this movie. It certainly has an original idea behind it (can you name another movie
about vampire dogs? Didn't think so), and a lot of potential. So what went wrong? First of
the writing bites (sorry, couldn't resist). The script is a dead as a zombie with its
brain cut out (now that's dead). It couldn't find a rhythm sitting in the front
row of the Hard Rock Café. Its as lost as Jack Nicholson in hedge maze. Should I
continue?
The second thing holding this movie back is the
following four simple words:"Directed By Albert Band". Al is a long time
director of really bad cinema, and head honcho of the infamous "Full Moon
Entertainment" Band family. His son, Charles, has directed and produce many really
crappy movies, including the Tim Thomerson stinkers Trancers 1-6. I'll be
covering some more of the Band men's work soon enough. Until then, just take my word for
it that the words "Albert Band" spell doom.
In the end Zoltan: Hound of Dracula is just
one big missed opportunity. The movie makers had a chance to do something *gasp*
original with this premise, and they failed miserably. Such is the life for anyone
named Band.
RATING(OUT OF A POSSIBLE
FIVE)
JUST PRETEND THIS MOVIE DOESN'T EXIST.
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