So you're here to learn about what makes the Canadian Government run so smoothly. It's as easy as pie. Actually, it's as easy as shit. Let's begin at the beginning.
The Capital of Canada is located in the city of Ottawa, Ontario. Canada's government is based on the British Parliamentary system but not quite so formal. During an election, various political parties run one candidate nationally and many more locally throughout the country. The party that garners the most votes takes power as the Ruling Government with the national candidate becoming the Prime Minister and the local representitives becoming Members Of Parliament. The party that comes in second becomes the Official Opposition and tries to be a major Pain In The Ass whether their argument makes sense or not, usually it doesn't.
So now that you have a basic idea about the structure of the Canadian system of Government, we will discuss the reasons why it runs so smoothly once everything is in place. To simplify things we will break the government down into two categories. The Bullshitters and the The Bullshit Machine.
Now, when and if Bullshitters ever decide to get off their asses and go to work, which is not all that often, and if they aren't on some trade mission to Asia or the Orient, or my favorite, on a Fact Finding mission to somewhere exotic and expensive that has lots of golf courses and sandy beaches, then maybe we can get the Bullshitters Bullshitting.
Okay, so now let's say the Bullshitters are in Parliament and ready to shoot some Bullshit. One of the Bullshitters gets a brilliant idea and decides to submit it as a proposal for a Bill, usually something like jacking up taxes on cigarettes, booze or kid's toys, or the latest pet project, taxing recordable CD's and cassette tapes to relieve the agonizing poverty of Starving Canadian Musicians. The bill is first introduced in Parliament and then discussed by all Bullshitters. After that it is voted on by all Bullshitters. Let's now assume that the Bill is passed, which it will. It will now be sent over to The Bullshit Machine which is sometimes also known as The Ministry Of Bullshit.
Once there, all pertinent facts are fed into The Bullshit Machine. With one simple push of a green button, The Bullshit Machine, which is self lubricating, kicks into action and begins chugging slowly but soon picks speed and within minutes is pumping out what our Government pumps out so well, Big Bullshit. It pumps and pumps and soon it fills the entire room with the raunchiest Bullshit known to man or beast. With no place else to go it begins to flow out the windows and ooze down the sides of the building like some giant putrid tan-brown mudslide. Down it runs onto the streets engulfing everyone and everything in it's path with the exception of it's creators. Onwards and outwards it flows, resembling some slow moving omni-directional mushy rancid tidal wave, leaving everything in it's wake festering with a stench equivalent to a 23 megaton stink bomb. Mercifully, it crusts over rapidly causing the population to soon forget the termoil it caused when the Bullshit began to flow. The crust can be a beautiful sight at times, giving off a tranquil glow in moonlight but can also be blinding in the stark light of day when Canadians are most alert. However, beneath the crust, the gooey swirling vulgar smelling gelatinous mixture tends to ebb and flow like any other major body of liquid with high tide miraculously coming during an election year.
Creeping and crawling ever onward, it flows every which way, street by street, city by city, province by province, eventually covering the entire country. Occaisionally it comes into contact with other cocky Little Bullshits known as The Provincial Bullshit which emanates from the capital city of each province. This is because every provincial government has it's own Mini Bullshit Machine. The Provincial Bullshit Machines of course are of a lesser capacity and cannot match the sheer volume of The Big Bullshit Machine. Sometimes these two Bullshits clash causing both Bullshits to bubble and boil like some foul smelling primordial swamp. But whenever The Big Bullshit meets any opposition it rises up and transforms itself into a clawing and snarling beast until finally The Little Bullshit can take no more and collapses into a mushy smelly defeated blob. Soon the two Bullshits are blending together and flowing as one in an ecstasy that only Bullshit and Bullshitters can understand. Nothing can withstand the overwhelming power of The Big Bullshit Machine.
Canadians are kept very happy when all the Bullshits are flowing and mixing together smoothly and as long as the crust doesn't rupture or crack allowing the stench of what is truly underneath to surface and be picked up by a strong breeze and assault our collective Canadian nostrils. This would cause our brains to swirl in a cesspool of realization that perhaps the Bullshit is not quite the high quality that The Bullshitters purport it to be. And, as we all know, a happy citizen will vote for The Bullshitters that have the best quality Bullshit. Canadians rarely vote for a Bullshitters that have cracked Bullshit, but this rule is not carved in petrified dinosaur shit. Staying in power keeps The Bullshitters happy which in turn keeps The Bullshit Machine running efficently. And as long as The Bullshit Machine is running efficently the country runs smoothly and the population is happy.
Of course there are Mini Mini Bullshit Machines in every city, town and county, but these are just Babyshit Mini Mini Bullshit Machines. They have absolutely no power and rarely even fart. They, like everything else, are enveloped by the other Major Bullshit Machines. They may mouth off at times like some snot nose kid, but don't have what it takes to back it up. They hop on board and flow with the mainstream Bullshit with barely a whimper.
So there you have it. It's as easy as
shit. If all the countries of the World were run this way we'd have a
more serene planet.
