Picture this...
 Race Bannon. (You know, the big guy who's always spilling out wacked
up sayings.) Estella Valaquez. Some other chick. Race is screwed. So he
gose to the local bar and gets himself drunker that about half them
people at thoses AA meetings. He come home to the compound and starts
spilling out useless advice. This is what I see coming out of his
mouth.

"Seventeen Useful Tips From a Drunk Man with a Southern Accent"

*-*-*-*-*-*-*
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.

 2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses, and sooner or later,
you'll inhale a bee.

 3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me
alone.

 4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another
road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

 5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets
the message across like a good mooning.

 6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

 7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal
the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That
way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run
your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

 9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food
groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group,
and the "What-ever-it-is-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge"
group.

 10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows
are down.

 11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on
the neighbor's car!

 12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to
remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie.

 13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a
blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

 14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

 15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel.
It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

 16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your
land.

 17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to
get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

xoxo,
Chels
===
"I don't have a girlfriend. I know a girl who would get
really mad if she heard me say that, though."

Btw... I'm the biggest Bryce grouppie (don't even waste your
time trying...)