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9 ways to tell if you have pms 1) everyone around you had an attitude problem 2) you're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet 3) the dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans 4) your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say 5) you're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "how's my driving call: 1-800-***-****" 6) everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice 7) you're counting down the days til menopause 8) you're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy 9) the ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday |
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morning prayer grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change. the courage to change the things i cannot accept. and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people i had to kill today because they pissed me off. also, help me to be careful of the toes i have to step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that i have to kiss tomorrow. |
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here's a lil jingle that you are supposed to sing to the tune of will smith's "miami" yea, yea, yea, yea, orlando, uh uh backstreet, bringing the heat, uh haha, can y'all feel that can y'all feel that jig it out, uh, here i am, i'm a fan, i think n'sync blows, but i love the bsb, the way their faces glow all the fans throwing bras, everybody party all day their cd we play, all day, ok they can't sip a lil *something* or the rumors will spill but at their hotel, they run up a room service bill nothing less than ill, they're dressed to kill [n'sync] everytime aj passes, the girls be like "yea, i'm on the pill!" can y'all feel us, fans of all ages &races, real sweaty faces every different nation, spanish, haitian, indian, jamaican black, white, cuban, and asian i fall in love after i hear their songs playin been a fan since '97 and i keep on stayin these'r the type of guys i could spend a few days with in orlando with the men that keep my mind crazin chorus: party with the hotties and the heat is on all night, watch their tapes til the break of dawn welcome to orlando bienvenidos a orlando bouncin at their shows where the heat is on all, nite, watch their tapes til the break of dawn i'm going to orlando welcome to orlando yo, i head the bsb's ain't nuthin to mess with we can see the sweat srip, when they strip they're half dressed but fully equipped and all the fans are screaming out, "nick can you please sign my t**s?" so i'm thinkin i wanna screw them, they're so hot and n'sync deserves to be stabbed and shot hottest boys in the city, but they're just outta reach don't let n'sync get to ya, i poisoned them with bleach, 98 degrees? oh please, go cry to your mommies everytime the boys come to town, we're screamin, "take a picture with me!" in my backstreet tee, ain't no stopping me so, go to their concerts and cash in your dough and see kev's versace's fashion shows, pound for pound anywhere you go yo, ain't no men in the world like this and if ya ask how i know i gotsta plead the fifth chorus don't get me wrong, shytown got it goin on and new york is the city that we know don't sleep and we all know that la and philly stay jiggy but on the sneak, orlando bring in heat for real y'all don't understand i never seen five men with so many screaming fans now this is the plan when he's right in our reach, we'll steal kevin's wedding band rings on his hands damn, he's so sexy while n'sync's smoking pot in the west keys the bsb's are riding jetskis, loungin in the palm trees and i wanna have they jeys for their summerhouse piece on southbeach aj's pants are so clear you can see his bottom hundred thousand dollar car, yea, nicky's got one ain't no surprise in the club to see b-rok, sweet-d, and bone orlando, my second home |
the perfect man is gentle
never cruel or mean
he has a beautiful smile
and keeps his face so clean
the perfect man likes children
and will raise them by your side
he will be a good father
as well as a good husband to his bride
the perfect man loves cooking
cleaning and vacuuming too
he'll do anything in his power
to convey his feelings of love on to you
the perfect man is sweet
writing poetry from your name
he's a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain
he has never made you cry
or hurt you in any way
to hell with this endless poem
the perfect man is gay
1) actually, i tend to make normal conversation rather than try to dazzle someone with a kamikaze one-liner.
2) you know, i'm not just an interesting person, i have a body too.
3) are you free tonite or will it cost me?
4) be different, say yes.
5) so, do you like bagels or muffins in the morning?
6) hi, i'm employed.
7) perhaps you recognize me from adult movies.
8) love is like a rug: walk all over me, lie on me, but no animals allowed.
9) take a chance.
10) i'm filthy rich and have 6 weeks to live.
11) i'm lost, which way to your house?
12) let's go lie down and talk about it.
13) you are truly beautiful, can you cook?
14) i don't look like much now but i'm drinking milk.
15) i've had quite a bit to drink tonite and you're beginning to look pretty good.
16) hi, i make more money than you can spend.
17) the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you.
18) dump him.
19) screw me if i'm wrong, but isn't your name heather?
20) do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? no, uh. do you wanna go somewhere and talk?
21) hey baby, wanna see something swell?
22) the more i drink, the prettier you get!
23) what's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
24) nice shoes. wanna f***?
25) if i follow you home, will you keep me?
26) hey, if i get us a soccer ball, do you think we can kick it?
27) beauty is only a light switch away.
"sex is not the answer, sex is the question. yes is the answer."
"always remember, you're unique, just like everyone else."
"i'm not as think as you drunk i am."
"life is cheap, its the accessories that kill you."
"i don't suffer from insanity, i enjoy every minute of it."
"lead me not into temptation, i can find it myself."
"drink til she's cute but stop before the wedding."
"of the choice of 2 evils, i choose the one i've never tried before."
"budget: a method for going broke."
"how much sin can i get away with and still get into heaven?"
"dancing is a perpendicular expression of horizontal desire."
"pity the poor egg, it only gets laid once."
"if you marry for money, well, that's one less thing you have to worry about."
"to all you virgins, thanx for nuthin."
"children in the dark cause accidents. accidents in the dark cause children."
"one of us is thinking about sex...ok, it's me."
"chastity is curable, if detected early."
"the consumer is not a moron, she is your wife."
"don't tell your problems to other people. 80% don't care and 20% are glad you have them."
"if you cannot solve it, it is not a problem, its reality."
"no one has ever bet enough on a winning horse."
"if you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a terrible warning."
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