"the consumer is not a moron, she is your wife."
"if you cannot solve it, it is not a problem-it is reality."
"no one has ever bet enough on a winning horse."
"if you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a terrible warning."
"never forget me, because if i thought you would, i'd never leave."
"it's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up."
"while it is a sin to think evil of others, it is seldom a mistake."
|
i'll never be the one... who lies next to you at nite. i'll never be the one... you dance with and hold ever so tight. i'll never be the one... who wipes the tear from your cheek. i'll never be the one... that watches you as you sleep. i'll never be the one... that you plan the future with. i'll never be the one.... that you greet with a kiss. i'll never be the one... you walk with in the rain. i'll never be the one... but i'll love you just the same. |
|
stress management: (hee hee) *picture yourself near a stream. *birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. *nothing can bother you here. *no one knows this secret place. *you are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." *the soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. *the water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water. *there now........feeling better?? |
|
Advice: A little bird was flying south for winter when it suddenly became so cold the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped a huge pile of dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, the bird began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!! He lay there warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Discovering that it was a bird under a pile of cow dung, he promptly dug him out and ate him. From this story we can see: 1. not everyone who shits on you is your enemy 2. not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend 3. when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut |
|
you know you're from michigan when..... 1) you only own three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. 2) you design your halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 3) the mosquitos have landing lights. 4) you have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 5) true value hardware on any saturday is busier than the toy store at christmas. 6) driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow. 7) you think everyone from the city has an accent. 8) you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. 9) you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. 10) the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. 11) your snow blower gets stuck on the roof. 12) you think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday. 13) you head south to go to your cottage. 14) you know which leaves make good toilet paper. 15) you find -20F "a little chilly." 16) the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer. 17) you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots 18) you can play road hockey on skates. 19) shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout. 20) you know the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. 21) the muncipality buys a zamboni before a bus 22) you actually 'get' these jokes. *sorry guys, i had to put em up. this is me!! |
once upon a time, in a land far away,
a beautiful, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted
pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:
elegant lady, i was once a handsome prince until and evil witch
cast a spell on me. one kiss from you however and i will turn back into the dapper, young prince that i am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptously on a repast of lightly
sauteed froglegs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought: i don't fucking think so!
the most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. i mean, life is tough. it takes up a lot of your time. what do you get at the end of it? .....a death. what's that, a bonus? i think that the life cycle is all backwards. you should die first, get it out of the way. then you live in an old age home. you get kicked out when you're too young. you get a gold watch, you go to work. your work forty year until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. you do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. you go to grade school, you become a kid. you play, you have no responsibilities. you become a little baby, you go back into the womb. you spend your last nine months floating...you finish up as an orgasm.
|
*sarcastic remarks to get you thru the day* *and your crybaby, whiny-assed opinion would be...?? *this isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting. i* started out with nothing and i still have most of it left. *i pretend to work. they pretend to pay me. *sarcasm is just one more service we offer. *if i throw a stick, will you leave? *you! off my planet! *if i want to hear the pitter patter of lil feet, i'll put shoes on my cat. *did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? *errors have been made, others will be blamed. *a pbs mind in an mtv world. *whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. *well, this day was a total waste of make-up. *suburbia: where they tear out the trees and name streets after them. *see no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. *i'm not your type, i'm not inflatable. *not all men are annoying, some are dead. *a woman's fav position is ceo. *i'm trying to imagine you with a personality. *a cublicle is just a padded cell without a door. *stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize that you haven't fallen asleep yet. *i thought i wanted a career, turns out i just wanted paychecks. *too many freaks, not enough circuses. *nice perfume, must you marinate in it? *chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done. *i plead comtemporary insanity. *and which dwarf are you? *meandering to a different drummer. |