"Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but...." -Dennis Miller
Like everybody, there are quite a few things in this world which just annoy the hell out of me. I try not to voice these opinions for various reasons. I never want to hurt anyone's feelings, I appear bitter when I do, etc. Unfortunately, unless I voice my frustrations, they don't go away. The solution I've come up with, is this Rant & Roar section of my website. Every so often, I plan to vent my frustration, go on a rant and just plain roar about a certain topic that annoys me. I mean absolutely no offense to anyone in particular. This section is not an excuse for me to attack anyone. It's just me letting off some steam.
You can also check out my previous rants.
If you find the following rant offensive, then you can read the Jesusified version of it.
John Mellencamp/John Cougar/John Cougar Mellencamp/Bob Assface (hey, if he won't choose a name, I'll choose one for him) may want to live in a Small Town, but I most certainly do not. A few months ago, I was in Vermont visiting my parents in this resort they stayed at during the summers. This strange and bizarre place is about as far away from human civilization as you can possibly get. You actually have to drive through purgatory to get there. You need to drive about 25 minutes along country highway roads just to get to the nearest small town. As I passed these small towns on the way there, it began to dawn on me just how much I dislike small towns.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking, and SHAME ON YOU! You disgusting perverts! That's just WRONG! As for the rest of you, I'm know some of you think I'm just being a huge pussy. "25 minutes from the nearest town? Oh Boo Hoo. I live in a house that's an HOUR away from the next fucking HOUSE, let alone town!" I'm sure some of you are saying. I'm sure some of you live WAY farther out in the middle of nowhere, but you know what? You people FREAK THE SHIT OUT OF ME!! Yes, I know I'm pathetic. I'm a city kid through and through. I've lived in the city my whole life. Hell, I don't even think I've ever stepped on a farm in my entire life. I also realize that most of North America... hell... most of the WORLD is made up of small towns. None of this however, changes the fact that small towns are CREEPY AS HELL!
I don't know what it is about small towns that I find so friggin' unsettling. Maybe it has to do with the fact that most of them have bigger cemeteries than they do anything else. These places seem to have more dead people in them than they do living ones. Does no one else find that kind of disturbing? I keep expecting something horribly evil to happen in these places. It's like out of some sort of Stephen King novel. You know the ones I'm talking about. Some strange evil comes into the town and slowly drives everyone insane but they're too far away from any REAL people to get help.
Now, some might argue that most people in small towns are kind, open people and that this dispels any creepiness. There are two factors that make it hard for me to fully believe that statement. First is that the majority of Republicans, Canadian Alliance members and PQ members live in small towns. Hence, that furthers my belief that small towns are evil. Second, maybe I watch too many episodes of the X-Files, but I keep expecting there to be some horrible hidden secret that no one talks about in these towns and everyone is just pretending to be nice until you leave/they kill you. Sure, the cook in the town restaurant SEEMS really nice when he gives you a free meal, but that's BEFORE you realize he liquefied his mother-in-law, fed her to a cow, liquefied the cow, fed the cow to a to a Texan named Bill and then cast an evil Satanic spell to give his mother-in-law power over Bill's body. That, and he probably spit in your food too. Damn Satanists.
Anyway, to sum up: Small Towns = BAD!!!
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