JACK HANDYS DEEP THOUGHTS

#1  Before criticizing people, walk a mile in their shoes.  Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

#2  If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

#3  If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

#4  To me, its a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.  This way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

#5  The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

#6  If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is , "God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

#7  if you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

#8  Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me.  Then it wouldnt seem quite so funny.

#9  To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there is no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

#10  I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some chihuahuas with some good ideas.

#11  maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself.  MANKIND.  Basically, it's made up of two seperate words " MANK" and "IND."  What do these words mean?  Its a mystery and so is mankind.

#12  If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it is probably best to avoid eye contact.

#13  It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.  And I guess what I like about it.  Its easy.  Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting money.

#14  If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

#15  As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life.  Was it nothing nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way.

#16  I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And I can picture us attacking that world, because they would never expect it.

#17  I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you are having a good idea but its just eggs hatching.

#18  Whenever you read a good book, its like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I dont like to read good books.

#19  Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window?  The guy looks out it, and if he leans to far, he falls out.  Wait.  I guess thats like a regular window.

#20  During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." 

#21  When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.  But then I got curious about it.  I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

#22  Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you dont what your rights are, or who the person you're talking to.  Then on the way out, slam the door.

#23  If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

#24  Broken promises don't upset me.  I just think, why did they believe me?

#25  Consider the daffodil.  And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

#26  For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, heres a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

#27  I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of the lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now thats a documentary.

#28  If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised.  "Wait a minute!  I thought we won!"

#29  Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself.  For instance, lets say you have chosen the nickname "fly head."  Normally you would think that "fly head" would mean that a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air.  But think again.  Couldnt it also mean "having a head like a fly?"  I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

#30  I hope that after I die, people will say of me: " that guy sure owed me alot of money."