A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender looks at him and says "I don't know,...what does he look like?"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands it to him, and pushes over a bowl of peanuts. The man is having a sip of his beer when he hears a tiny voice say "nice tie."

He quickly looks around but sees nothing. He takes another sip when he hears "nice hat too."

He quickly puts down the beer, but there's no one around, so he asks the bartender,

"I keep hearing a tiny voice saying nice things, whats going on?"

The bartender nods understandingly and says,

"Oh, its the peanuts, they're complimentary."

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "What'll it be grasshopper?"

The grasshopper says "I don't care. Anything to kill the pain. Being a grasshopper is awful these days!"

The bartender thinks of a suggestion . . . "Maybe you'd like to try this drink. It's named after you."

The grasshopper looks at the bartender. . . "You have a drink called Irving?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop . . . .

A man walks into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender asks the man, "What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Nothing," the man responds, "This turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.

"Told you it'll be there before your dog."

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks a gal to dance with him. When she says no, he says: "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

A three-legged dog limps into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

A Catholic priest, Baptist minister, and rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A lady walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder. A drunk at the end of the bar asks, "Hey,where'd you get that pig?!"

She replies, "Obviously you are drunk. This is a parrot not a pig."

The drunk replies, "I was talking to the parrot!"

A clown walks into a bar and sits down next to two cannibals. Suddenly, one of the cannibals bashes the clown on the head, and the two cannibals begin having a meal. After a few minutes, one of the cannibals looks up at the other one and asks, "Do you taste something funny?"

Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin......................................and tonic".

Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"

The Polar Bear says, "I dunno...I've always had them."

A man walks into a bar. "Gimme a double, before the shit hits the fan."

A few minutes later, same thing. "Gimme a beer before the shit hits the fan." This goes on for an hour or so.

Finally the Bartender goes up to him and says, "Listen buddy, maybe you should pay before you get another drink."

He replies, "Oops, the shit just hit the fan."

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and askes him "Every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

A man walks into a pub with a giraffe on a lead. "I'll have a pint of Guinness," says the man, "and ten pints for the giraffe".

The man then starts to down his pint in one go. The giraffe, seeing this, starts banging down the ten pints like there was no tomorrow. The race is on! The man gets half way down and the Giraffe's only on number four. Then, with an amazing burst of speed, the giraffe just manages to scrape ahead. But on pint number ten the giraffe gets half-way, then falls off the bar stool, and passes out on the floor. The man promptly finishes his pint and starts to leave.

"Hey," says the barman, "you can't leave that lyin' there!"

The man says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

A panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender if they serve food. They do, so the panda orders a bowl of rice. After eating the rice, the panda pulls out a gun and starts shooting up the place. After the bar is thorougly shot up, the panda puts the gun away and starts to leave.

The bartender comes up from behind the bar and asks "What the HELL was that about?!?"

"Look it up" says the panda.

The bartender gets out his dictionary and looks up 'panda'. The definition:

Panda: Eats shoots and leaves.

A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar stool, looked at the bartender and ordered a tall cold beer. The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment and replied, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't sell you a drink."

The hamburger thought about this for a second and said, "But I'm over 21. Why can't you sell me a drink?"

The bartender replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove myself unscratched. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?"

The ducks says, "Yeah! Get this guy off my ass!"

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee wuss. The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"

The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.

The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."