RATED PG
The sunlight fell in the open window and across the bed where the two men lay sleeping. Ben woke up slowly, yawning and stretching lazily. He looked over at Ray, who was still sleeping, and smiled. With Ray asleep, Ben could indulge in one of his favorite activities- watching his lover. Ben loved just looking at Ray, but when he did it while Ray was awake, Ray always noticed and became embarrassed and made him stop.
Fraser reached out and ran his finger lovingly over Ray's cheek, then down his nose- God, he loved Ray's nose! Next Ben noticed, with a great deal of appreciation, that the sheets were still down around Ray's waist. He ran his finger slowly over Ray's chest, fondling a nipple before running his hand lightly over the silky hairs on his chest. Ben looked up to see Ray watching him. He jerked his hand away.
"Good Morning, Benny." Ray's voice was full of amusement.
"Good Morning, Ray."
"So Fraser, how often do you fondle my body while I'm sleeping?"
Ben grinned at him. "Every chance I get."
"Well, not that I mind, Benny, but if you're going to be having foreplay with me, I'd like to be awake for it."
"You're awake now, Ray."
"So I am." Ray lay perfectly still, staring at Fraser.
Fraser slid the sheets the rest of the way off of Ray's body. "Well, Ray, should we get our day off to a good start?"
That afternoon, Fraser was in his office filling out reports, a task he usually disliked. Today, though, he didn't mind at all. The way his morning had started had put him in a very good mood, which had lasted all day. He heard someone enter his office and looked up, expecting to see Inspector Thatcher; but it was Jack Huey standing before him.
Fraser's heart turned over slowly, then began to pound. He opened his mouth, but could not bring himself to ask the question.
"He's alive," Huey rushed to reassure him.
"What happened?"
"They were arresting a drug dealer. He had a weapon and things got confused and out of control and Ray got caught in the cross fire."
"My God," Ben whispered. He looked up at Huey. "How bad is it?"
"I don't know, Fraser. We just got the report at the precinct that he'd been shot. Come on, I'm going to drive you to the hospital."
Ben stood up, then noticed the files still on his desk. "Oh..."
"It's okay," Huey told him. "I've already cleared it with Inspector Thatcher."
Ben nodded and followed Huey out of the office.
They arrived at the hospital to find the Vecchio family already in the waiting room. Rosa came up to Ben and gave him a hug. "Oh, Benton. Thank God you're here."
"How is he?"
"He is still being examined by the doctors."
"They haven't told you anything yet?"
"No, Caro."
Ben and Rosa went over to the row of chairs and sat down. Ben tried to calm himself. Rosa didn't need to be worrying about him on top of everything else. 'Come on, Benton,' he told himself. 'Be positive. You don't even know how serious it is yet. Ray might not be that badly injured at all.'
The thought did little to help him. Inside he was terrified. He clenched his hands into fists to keep them from shaking, and tried as hard as he could to keep from crying.
Ben felt that he should pray, but the only words he could form were "Please, God; Please." He kept repeating the words to himself over and over.
Ray was the most vital, alive person Ben had ever known. It was impossible to think of Ray... to think of anything bad happening to him.
Ben thought about how much his life had improved since Ray entered it. Ray brought an enthusiasm and zest for life to Fraser that he both admired and envied. Ray's passion for life had infected Fraser and he was slowly learning how to truly enjoy life- to have fun.
And the love that Ray gave to Fraser still took him by surprise. Ben had never been loved as completely- or unconditionally- as he was by Ray. He didn't even want to imagine his life if Ray was no longer in it.
He had known loneliness before; had been lonely for much of his life, in fact. But it had been an accepted fact of his life, never really noticed or thought about. But if he lost Ray now, he would feel an emptiness he had never known. Nothing could happen to Ray. It just couldn't.
Just then, a doctor entered the waiting room. "Vecchio? I'm looking for the family of Ray Vecchio?"
Rosa and her children stood up, but Fraser sat as if rooted to the spot.
"I am Ray's Mother," Rosa said calmly.
"I'm Dr. Roth," the man said. "Shall we go into my office?"
"No thank you, doctor. We are all Ray's family. We will hear the news together."
The doctor nodded. "Detective Vecchio is going to be just fine." A chorus of relieved sighs rose from the Vecchio family.
"The bullet entered his leg," the doctor continued, "but it did not hit the bone or any arteries or blood vessels. We are taking him up to surgery right now to remove the bullet, and we will keep him here for about 24 hours for observation, but barring any complications, he should be able to go home tomorrow evening."
A huge smile spread over Rosa's face. "Thank you, doctor. Thank you very much."
"The surgery will take about half an hour. He will be in recovery for about 45 minutes to an hour after that, and then you can see him- briefly. I will have a nurse let you know when you can see him."
"Thank you again, doctor," Rosa said.
Dr. Roth smiled at her and left the waiting room.
The Vecchio family broke into relieved chatter and laughter, breaking the nervous tension. Rosa looked over at Ben and saw that he hadn't moved at all. "Benton?"
He looked up at her, and Rosa gave a small gasp. Ben's face had gone completely white, and the look in his eyes was one of barely controlled panic.
"Benton, are you all right?"
Ben stood up. "I'm sorry, I have to leave."
"Leave? You're not going to stay to see Ray?"
"I- I can't. I'm sorry. I need to leave."
Rosa noticed that Ben's breathing was slightly harsh and uneven. She squeezed his arm and looked at him in concern. "Benton, what's wrong?"
"I just need to leave. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
He rushed from the room, leaving the family staring after him in bewilderment.
Rosa entered Ray's room quietly. She looked down at her son. Ray's right thigh was bandaged and resting on pillows, and an IV was taped to the back of his left hand. Ray looked paler than usual, but other than that, he seemed to be OK. Rosa felt herself relax for the first time since she had gotten the phone call from Lt. Welsh.
She sat down in the chair next to the bed. After just a few minutes, Ray moved restlessly.
"Benny?" he whispered.
Rosa took his hand. "Raimondo, I'm here," she said.
Ray opened his eyes and smiled at her. "Hi, Ma."
"How are you feeling, Caro?"
"I feel like I just got shot in the leg," Ray grinned at her. "But other than that, I'm okay."
"Good." Rosa smiled at her son in relief.
"You weren't too worried, were you, Ma?"
"Oh, no. I get a call telling me my son has been shot and I should come right to the hospital. Why would that worry me?"
"I'm sorry, Ma."
"That's okay, Caro. You're forgiven." Rosa smiled at him and gave his hand an affectionate squeeze.
"Ma, could you send Benny in?"
Rosa had been dreading this. "He's not here, Caro."
"He's not? Where is he?"
"I don't know."
A look of worry spread over Ray's face. "What do you mean you don't know? Is he okay?"
Rosa wasn't quite sure how to answer that. Benton hadn't seemed very okay when he left. And yet, she didn't want Ray to be upset. It would be just like her son to check himself out of the hospital and go in search of his friend if he thought something was wrong.
As Rosa hesitated, the look on Ray's face changed from worry to outright fear. "Ma, tell me."
"He was here earlier, Caro," Rosa told him reluctantly. "But after the doctor told us you were going to be okay he left."
"He left?" Ray sounded as if he didn't believe her.
"Yes, Ray. I'm sorry."
"And he didn't say where he was going?"
"No. He seemed very upset, and he told me he had to go and he just left."
Ray looked troubled- and hurt. "Why would he do that?" he asked, almost to himself.
"Oh, Caro, I don't know; but I'm sure he'll be back soon."
"Sure Ma." Ray sighed and closed his eyes again.
Rosa sighed, deeply troubled. She hated seeing any of her children in pain; and here was Ray suffering not only from a bullet wound, but from emotional pain. Part of her wanted to find Benton and make sure he was okay, and another part of her wanted to find him and give him a good shaking for hurting her son.
The next three days left Ray feeling bewildered, hurt- and increasingly angry. He had been discharged from the hospital the day after his surgery, and had been recovering at home since then. He had received visits or phone calls from his friends inside and outside the precinct, but had heard absolutely nothing from Ben. No visit, no phone call- nothing.
On the second day Ray had swallowed his pride and hurt feelings and called the consulate, only to be told that Fraser had taken some personal time off. Ray thought about trying to reach him through Mr. Mustafi, but decided against it.
He spent most of his time thinking over the situation, wondering what in the hell was going on. There had to be a very good reason why Fraser was avoiding him, but for the life of him Ray could not think of what it could be. But he was determined that he was going to find out.
Fraser trudged slowly up the stairs to his apartment. He had spent the day walking aimlessly around the city- had done so for the last few days in fact. Today he had wound up on the shore of Lake Michigan and had sat for hours just watching the waves lap at the beach.
He was feeling more depressed than at any time since coming to Chicago. Even Dief didn't give him any comfort, hard as he tried. With a tired sigh, Fraser opened the door to his apartment, stepped inside- and stopped short. Ray was sitting at the kitchen table.
The two men just stared at each other for a long moment, then Ben closed the door behind him. "Hello Ray."
Ray just continued to watch him, absently petting Dief, who was barking joyfully at the sight of him.
"I didn't know you were here," Fraser continued. "I didn't see the car outside."
"I took a taxi. I'm not allowed to drive yet."
Benny noticed the cane leaning against the table next to Ray. He flushed guiltily and looked away.
"Fraser, what is going on?"
"Ray..."
"No, Benny. I've been sitting around wracking my brains the last three days, trying to figure out why you seem to be ignoring the fact that I exist. That you don't seem to care if I'm okay or not."
Dief, sensing the tension in the room, went over and lay down next to the door.
"I knew you were okay, Ray. I called the hospital and they told me you had been discharged."
Ray shook his head in disbelief. "You called the hospital but you couldn't call my house? Or stop by to see me?"
Ben heard the hurt in Ray's voice and a strong wave of guilt washed over him. He crossed over to the window and stood looking out. "I've been busy, Ray."
"Busy?" Ray was rapidly losing control of his anger. "Busy doing what, exactly?"
"Thinking."
"Thinking? What the hell is going on with you, Benny?"
Finally, Fraser turned to face him. "I don't think we should see each other any more."
Ray was stunned. "What?"
"I don't think we should see each other anymore."
"Why?"
"It wasn't going to work, Ray. We were just kidding ourselves."
"Oh, we were? I wasn't aware that we were just kidding around. I sure as hell wasn't. I told you I love you and I meant it. I thought you did, too."
"I did, Ray."
"You don't love me any more?" Ray's anger was rapidly giving way to fear.
"I still love you."
"Then what in the hell are you doing this for, Benny?"
"I told you."
"No. You gave me a bullshit reason. Now I want the truth."
Ben turned back to the window again. "Please, Ray. Just leave."
"No!" Ray exploded. He jumped up and crossed over to Fraser, not bothering to use his cane. "You are standing there trying to kick me out of your life, and I deserve to know the reason why!"
Ben was standing absolutely still and stiff before him. "Ray, please." His voice was barely above a whisper.
"No! Damn it! This doesn't make any sense, Fraser! Everything was fine. Just the other morning we were making love on that bed over there! And then I get shot and I don't hear from you for days, and-" Ray broke off abruptly. Oh my God...
"Benny? Is that it?" He turned Fraser around to face him, then put his hand under Fraser's chin and lifted his head until his eyes met Ray's. Ray was stunned by what he saw there.
"My God, Benny. You want to break up with me because I was shot?"
Benny looked away again. "Because I was shot in the leg?"
"This time," Benny whispered, and moved away.
"What?"
"I said you were only shot in the leg this time, Ray."
Suddenly the final piece of the puzzle fell into place. Ray felt his heart drop to his feet. "Is that what this is about, Benny? You are dumping me in some twisted effort to protect me? What do you think is going to happen, Fraser? Some perp's going to take a shot at me one day and God's gonna look down from heaven and say 'Oh, wait! Ray's not with Benny anymore, I won't have the bullet enter his heart, I'll have it hit him in the shoulder instead'?"
"Don't joke about that, Ray!" The look of naked fear on Benny's face stopped Ray in his tracks.
"Benny, are you doing this to protect me, or yourself?"
Benny wouldn't meet his eyes.
"Well, that makes a lot of sense." Ray said, fear sharpening his voice. "You're afraid you might lose me, so you're dumping me?"
"It will hurt a lot less if I do it now." Fraser said.
Ray stared at him, his fear deepening. He didn't know what to say to Fraser. He was sure that to Fraser, what he was saying made perfect sense. Everyone who Fraser had ever let himself love had died or abandoned him. Why should he think that Ray would be any different? Ray could not believe he was going to lose Fraser over this. He sent a quick prayer heavenward, praying to find just the right words.
He crossed over to Fraser and took his arm. "Benny, come sit down." Ben didn't move. "Come on, Fraser." Ray led him over to the bed and both men sat down.
Ray took hold of Fraser's hand. "There's just one flaw in your little plan, Benny. What if nothing happens to me? What if I live to be 80 or 90? Then we'll both be all alone and lonely, and won't you feel pretty stupid?" Ray gave him a weak smile.
"You don't know that's going to happen, Ray."
"No Benny, I don't. But you don't know that it won't. That's my point. Nobody knows how long they have, Benny. Isn't the point to be happy while we're here? And dammit, Benny, I can't be happy without you in my life any more. And that's your fault. Don't you dare think that you can just waltz into my life, make me fall in love with you, show me the greatest happiness I've ever known, and then turn around and say 'Oh, sorry, Ray. Just kidding.' and take it all away from me. I won't let you."
"Ray, it's not..." Benny trailed off with a sigh.
"Benny, look at me." Ben lifted his head and met Ray's eyes. "Benny, I don't know how long I'm going to live. I'm sure as hell planning on being around for another 50 years or so, but you just never know. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Or a piece of this damn building could fall on my head and kill me. But if I did have only a few more years left, I'd want them to be happy."
Ben opened his mouth to speak, but Ray continued. "But more than that, Benny, what if I do live for 50 more years? It wouldn't matter without you. They wouldn't mean anything if you weren't with me. Those years would be long and empty and terrible and probably seem like 500 years. I need you, Benny. You're my life. You're my life, Benny. Please don't make me go."
Ray noticed that Ben was shaking, and he reached out and squeezed his shoulder. Ben tried to say something, but he broke into tears. Ray drew him into his arms and Benny began sobbing. Huge, wrenching sobs that shook his entire body. "Please, Ray," he managed to choke out, "Don't go. Please don't ever leave me."
Ray tightened his grip around Ben, and felt the other man's arms tighten around him almost painfully. Ray was weak with relief; but he was also a little frightened. Never had he seen Benny so give in to his emotions. Ray wanted to say something to comfort Ben, but he was afraid that if he tried to speak, he would start crying too. So he just held Ben, rocking him gently.
When, at last, Ben's sobs began to trail away, Ray began rubbing his back. Eventually, the shaking stopped and Ben was quiet in his arms. The two men sat holding each other for a long time, neither willing to let the other go.
Finally, Ray pulled away just enough to look into Ben's face. He smiled at him softly and wiped the tears from his face. "Benny, I can't promise you that I'm going to live forever, or that nothing bad is ever going to happen to me. So I'm going to make you the best promise I can, okay?"
Benny just nodded.
"I promise you Benton Fraser, that I will never leave you voluntarily. Not ever. And if anyone or anything tries to make me leave you against my will, they will be in for one holy hell of a fight. I'm not ever going to give you up, Benny. Not ever."
Ben swallowed. "I love you, Ray." His voice was still far from steady. Another tear fell from his eye and rolled down his cheek. Ray reached out and wiped it away, then placed a gentle kiss on the cheek.
"I love you too, Benny. God, I love you."
Benny leaned forward and kissed Ray. A soft, almost hesitant, kiss. "Ray, I'm so sorry."
"Benny, it's okay."
"No, Ray. It's not. You are the one person in my life I would never want to hurt, and I did. I hurt you so much, and I'm sorry."
"Benny, it's all right. You didn't mean to hurt me. It's not your fault. I forgive you."
Benny smiled at him, then leaned forward and kissed him again. There was nothing hesitant about this kiss. Benny was kissing him with an intensity and passion Ray had rarely felt from him. Ray responded in full measure, meeting Benny's probing tongue with his own, and holding Benny's face in his hands briefly before grasping the other man's hips.
Finally the need for oxygen drove them apart. When his breathing and heartbeat had returned to normal, Ben reached up and began stroking Ray's face. "Oh Ray. I'm so sorry I didn't come to see you in the hospital."
"Benny, it's okay. That doesn't matter anymore. You're here with me now, and that's all I care about."
"Yes, but Ray, I feel bad. I didn't get a chance to give you a get well present." He looked at Ray, and the gleam in his eye did not look like guilt.
He unbuttoned the top button of Ray's shirt. "I could have brought you flowers." He planted a kiss on the exposed patch of skin.
Fraser undid the next button. "Or a book." Another kiss. The next button was undone. "Or some chocolates." Another kiss.
The next button was opened. "Perhaps a magazine." A more lingering kiss. Ben pushed the shirt open enough to expose Ray's chest. "Would you like me to give you a get well present now, Ray?"
"Yes, please, Benny." Ray's voice was slightly breathless.
Benny grinned at him, then leaned down and took one of Ray's nipples into his mouth, licking and nipping it until it hardened. He started to move to the other nipple, but paused and looked up at his lover.
"Ray, you just got out of the hospital. You really should be lying down." He eased Ray back onto the pillows.
Later- much later, the two men were lying quietly in bed together. Benny's head was resting on Ray's chest, his arm wrapped around him. Benny was sleeping, but Ray was still too wound up and full of emotion to be able to sleep.
He brushed the hair off of Benny's face and looked down at his sleeping lover. It scared him a little how much Benny needed him. No one had ever needed Ray that much in his life. No one. The only thing that scared Ray more than that was a life without Benny in it.
Ray tightened his arms around Fraser slightly as he thought how close he had come to losing him. His heart ached as he thought about the pain Benny must have gone through. Not just in the past few days, but for years and years. So much so that he was willing to accept a life of loneliness rather than face that pain again.
'Sorry, Benny,' Ray thought to himself 'But that's just not gonna happen.' He kissed Benny gently on the forehead. He could handle the responsibility of loving Benny. What was he asking for, really? Just for Ray to stay around and love him for the rest of his life. And that, Ray reflected, was something he could do with no problem at all.
Ray drifted off to sleep, feeling happier and more content than he ever had.
THE END
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