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The Hare-Lip Salesman
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge said, "You've been brought here for
drinking." The drunk said, "Okay, let's get
started!"
A hare-lipped man walks into a Department Store carrying a help wanted sign. He
states:"I'nd like to apply for the job, plead!"
To which the store owner replies: "Do you have any experience selling Tooth
Brushes?" "Nope!" says the hare-lip. "Well OK,"
says the owner, "I'm in a hurry so I'll give you a shot. I'll be back at
closing." And he leaves. At closing the store owner comes
back and asks the hare-lipped fellow "How many tooth brushes did you sell?" The
hare-lip replies.."I thold one tooth bruth"
"Just ONE?" exclaims the owner, "That will never do. Let's see how well you
do tomorrow, I'll be back at closing" The next
day at closing time the owner shows up at the store and asks the hare-lip how many tooth
brushes he sold that day. The hare-lip
replies "I thold one Tooth Bruth." The owner is very upset at this news and
says, "One tooth brush will never do, I'm afraid I'll
have to let you go." To which the hare-lip replies "Oh No, plead don't let me
go. Give me one more chanth, I gno I can do
beddur." So the owner gives him one more day and leaves. The next day the owner
returns to his store only to find thousands of
empty tooth brush crates laying all over. He turns to the man and says, "My Lord! How
many Tooth Brushes did you sell
today?" The hare-lip replies, "I sold three thouthand three hundred and thirty
three Tooth Bruthes!" "My, how on earth did you
do that?" replies the store owner. "Well you thee," replies the hare-lip,
"I went out into the mall and thet up thith table, and on
one thide I put thom chipth, and on the other thide I put thome dipth. Then I put a big
thine behind the table that read:'Free
Chipth & Dipth' Then the people they came and first they picked up a chipth then they
dipth it in the dipth and then they ate it."
"Is that all?" replied the owner. "Well no," said the hare-lip,
"after they ate it they would reply: 'Hey thith stuff tathed like shit!'
and then I would thay, 'It ith,... wanna buy a Tooth Bruth?!?!?!?'" |
Be a White House Intern
Greetings prospective White House interns!
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and
brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head
Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you
might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this
demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
![](_themes/balance/abalbul1.gif) | Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of
the hottest city in the world! |
![](_themes/balance/abalbul1.gif) | Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers! |
![](_themes/balance/abalbul1.gif) | See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you! |
![](_themes/balance/abalbul1.gif) | Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities! |
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern: "I
couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answeringphones and fetching
coffee, there I was, debriefing the president.
Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."
- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot
debates and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the
White House.
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__ Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
...Giggly:
...Drunk:
...Hot:
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:
Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d.
Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call
soon.
Uncle Sam wants you.
*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be
interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity
employer.
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Ya gotta love a bartenders advice!
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every
time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think
there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going
crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me
three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to
see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" |
You cant win!
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.
This goes on for awhile when his wife sticks her head out of the
front door and yells, "You need more tail".
The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand
your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a
kite". |
Yuppie
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came
along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene,
the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!" he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!" retorted the officer.
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left
arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder
where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
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Who is Cheating?
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal
seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she
had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
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Feb2499 What is the difference between a Yankee zoo and
a Southern zoo?
On the cage, a Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal &
the scientific name in Latin. A Southern zoo will have the
name of the animal & the recipe.
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Feb2399 Who Should Pay On A Date?
If men ruled the world, they'd probably have sex every day.
maybe even 2 or 3 times a day. Therefore, we can safely conclude
that MEN DON'T RULE THE WORLD!
To all the women out there:
Let's say a guy asks you out. Stop and think about your comparative
economic situations. The odds are, he makes more money than you do.
Guys don't generally date "up", and even if professionally you're at
the same level, he's getting paid more money for doing the exact same
job. So he can afford to pay for you. (Frankly, if you're hoping to
marry and have children with this man, he's making enough money to
support a family when you have to take a maternity leave and raise his
offspring.)
But, in case you need more justification, read on:
Now, for him to ask you out, think about how you looked when he saw
you. Your haircut? It cost more than his. Your clothes? Not only
are they more expensive, but women's fashions change more rapidly
than men's, so you've spent far more money getting dressed. And when
you take it to the dry cleaners, or the laundry, they charge you more,
even though there's less fabric. Even if every line item in your
wardrobe was identical, think about the two items that you have that
he doesn't: that bra (and probably not a cheap one,you were wearing
-- the Wonderbra, or he wouldn't have bothered in the first place)
and pantyhose. Expensive, and they run. Oh, did I mention cosmetics?
So, it's cost you a lot more money, just to get to the point where he's
inclined to ask you out. And HE asked YOU out. In business, if someone
asks you to lunch, they're paying, right? You don't even think about
this, do you? Okay, then!
So, he comes to pick you up. That apartment of yours? Because you're
a woman, you have to think about living in a safe (read: more expensive)
neighborhood. You insist on an "upper" apartment, which is at least $10
more a month. How about the pepper spray in your purse, or the cell
phone for emergencies?
How many guys have that stuff to defend themselves from those
marauding bands of female rapists and muggers? How about all the
times you've valet parked because you don't want to walk a block or
two in THAT neighborhood? If you live in New York, all the times
you've taken a cab home instead of the subway because it's not safe
for a woman to be out at that hour?
You go out, you let him pay.
It goes well, (because even if they bitch and moan about it, paying
does make them feel like a man) he keeps asking you out. So, why not
reach for the wallet now?
Are you planning to have sex with him?
So, that annual check-up you get just to make sure that all the parts
are working properly? Unless your gynecologist knows the insurance
scam,that's at least $100 a year that's not covered. And then, there's
the birth control issue. Okay, at first, maybe for awhile, you're using
condoms. He might even be paying for some of those, at pennies a pop.
But we've done the math. We know what the failure rates are there. So
even if Trojan Man is paying a visit, we're probably employing a backup
method. You read Cosmo. You know.
Everything is expensive and laden with hideous, probably not entirely
known, side effects. The only inexpensive, side-effect-free method of
birth control is the word NO. Which doesn't always work, and that's
expensive and really shitty if it fails.
So there you have it. He asked you to dinner, he picked the restaurant,
let him pick up the tab. Be a charming companion - you know the
expression "dining out on that story..." If you want to do something
nice for him, make him dinner once in awhile. Buy really nice lingerie.
Stock up on his favorite brand of condom. Pay for your half of the
vacation. But never, ever, pay for the date. No amount of sushi at
Matsuhisa can possibly compensate for what it cost you to get your butt
in that chair.
I'm all for equality, and letting a guy buy you dinner once in a while
is a very fair way to even out the financial (and psychic) costs of
being an attractive female that men want to buy dinner for.
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