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Meet the Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she
would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he
has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to
know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the
door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes
inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy
quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep
in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy
turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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Official
Moron Test. Let's see how smart we
really are!
This is the "Official Moron Test."
It's based upon typical graduation requirements from (school name here) . It separates the
dumb people from the really dumb people.
Answer the following 13 questions, then scroll down and check your answers. DON'T
CHEAT!!! When you are done, count the number correct and see how you compare to
others.
OK, here we go......
1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How
long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5'-10" tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. What was the President's name in 1960?
**** NO CHEATING ****
So how do you think you did? Here are the answers....
1. Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.
2. One (1). You can only be born once.
3. Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.
4. Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.
5. No. He must be dead if it is his widow!
6. Seventy (70). 30 divided by 1/2 is 60.
7. Two (2). You take two apple...therefore, YOU have TWO apples.
8. One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third
at 2:00, the pills have run out and only an hour has passed.
9. Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.
10. None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark?
11. Meat...that is self-explanatory.
12. Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE...it's a dozen!
13. Bill Clinton. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name. So, how did you do?
13 correct....GENIUS....you are good!
10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE....but don't let it go to your head
7-9 correct....AVERAGE....but who wants to be average?
4-6 correct....SLOW....pay attention to the question
1-3 correct....IDIOT....what else can I say
0 correct....CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON!!!!
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Funny
Classified Ads
And here's the joke:Funny Classified Ads
Lost: small apricot poodle.Reward.Neutered.Like one of the family.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers .
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Tired of cleaning yourself?Let me do it!
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere
Lachasis Cemetery.It boasts such immortals as Moliere and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Sheer stockings.Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear
nothing else.
Stock up and save.Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank.You'll never reget it.
Man, honest.Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?Come here first!
Modular Sofas.Only $299.For rest or fore play.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child.Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting.They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service.Free pick-up and delivery.Try us once, you'll never go anywhere else
again.
Wanted: Preparer of food.Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get
hands dirty.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.Blue Cross and salary.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
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Personality Check
To determine YOUR personality check the gift you'd most like to get.
1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron
If you answered...
1. CANDY It means that you are a sweet person who enjoys traditional giftsandhopefully
likes
to share...ORYou're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything even true
love.
2. FLOWERS It means that you love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and
appreciate this
timeless romantic gesture...OR You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither
and
die.
3. A SWEET POEM You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and
beauty of the written
word...OR You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a
cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
4. SEX You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your
sexuality with another consenting adult and
feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful...OR You're a filthy
degenerate who is no better than a
rutting animal living solely for one
carnal experience after another.
5. DINNER/DANCING You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting
of fine cuisine and
candlelight...OR You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for
food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.
6. WAFFLE IRON You're a practical person who believes those that you can actually
use...OR you have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and
probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances.
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Smokes in the Rain
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started
to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and
slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for her
cigarette.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over
your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the
pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions
went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said
yes, but looked a little surprised that this old lady was interested in condoms, but he
asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and then said, "One that will fit a Camel??!"
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Stuff
A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step up.
She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again.
The Skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more.
She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time. All of the sudden,
she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus.
She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not
know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner!!"
The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip
my fly three times either!"
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New Bike
Two engineers were standing in the park. One had a new bike.
The other said, "Nice bike. How much?"
The first said, "It was free."
The other one asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?"
The one with the bike said, "Yesterday, a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took
off all of her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted."
The other engineer said, "Good move. Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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