Loser's Adventures:
A Day In the City

The following is a story I wrote years and years ago. It hasn't been edited for quite a while, but maybe you can try and enjoy it anyway:

The short Asian grocer nodded at the customer who just entered his small store. It was a warm and sunny day so it put the grocer in a jolly mood just to be able to look out the doorway to see a bright blue sky. Although there was some smog visible, he always focused on what was beyond the fog. He gazed out the doorway for a while, noticing the cheerful birds and the colorful butterflies. People walked up and down the sidewalk and all seemed well.

The man who had entered the store started to leave.

"Have a nice day, sir!" said the grocer. Then he realized the man was walking out with a full bag of grocery which he didn’t pay for.

"Stop, thief!" cried the grocer. He chased after the thief with a broom but knew he couldn’t manage to catch up on his old legs.

The thief ran down the road with the bag of groceries in his hands. He chuckled to himself because this was the third bag of groceries he had stolen this week. It wasn’t that he needed the groceries or anything; he merely stole them for his own amusement. Plus it gave him a reason to brag to the rest of his buddies in the gang he belonged to.

The thief reached an intersection and paused to decide whether he should run left or right. During his brief pause, a brown hand held a gun of some sort against the side of his head.

"Put those groceries down, now!" said a meek and unconfident voice.

The thief turned his head to see who it was that had the weapon pressed against his head.

"Curse!" cursed the thief. "You’re the Masked Loser, aren’t you?"

The man placed the gun back in its holster and grinned. He pointed to his white mask with the sad-looking eyebrows drawn on it. "That is me! Now that you know who I am, I’m sure you’ll comply."

"Look, man!" said the thief. "You didn’t have to pull a gun on me! I didn’t mean to steal these groceries. I left the store and accidentally forgot to pay! Then the owner chased after me and I got scared because I get scared easily or something. Umm… anyway, my cat at home is hungry and neither he nor I have a job, so money’s kind of tight and-"

Masked Loser cut him off. "First of all, the weapon that I threatened to use on you is not a gun. It’s a spud launcher."

"Spud launcher?"

"That’s right!" said Loser, nodding proudly. "It’s a weapon that shoots potatoes. It might not kill, but it sure hurts. Now let go of the groceries."

The thief dropped the bag only because he didn’t care about the groceries anyway. The bottom of the bag tore open and a few packs of cigarettes fell out.

"You stole cigarettes for your cat?" asked Loser who was quite confused. Loser was usually quite a confused fellow, but this situation caused him to be far more confused than normal.

The thief nodded. "Yes I did! You see, he had some sort of birth defect so unless he gets a daily dose of tobacco, his eyebrows will fall out."

Loser frowned. "Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know life could be that harsh… especially for a cat! I’m sure that cats need their eyebrows because their eyebrows help keep them healthy."

The thief nodded. "That’s right! You’re the smartest Super Hero this City has ever had."

"Tell you what," said Loser. "I feel sorry for you and your cat. After all, my pet chicken named Floppy got sick last week, and it was a very bad situation. He seemed unable to quit laying eggs. His coupe was a mess. Poor guy. I feel so sorry for him that I think I’ll buy him a present later on. As for you, I’ll pay for you groceries today, but for now on you need to buy your own. You must promise to never steal again for the rest of your life."

"I promise," said the thief trying not to laugh. He couldn’t believe how gullible Masked Loser was. He wondered how Masked Loser even got the title "Super Hero".

Masked Loser pulled a new paper bag out of his pocket and began placing the groceries from the ripped bag into the new bag. As he did that, the thief pulled out a cigarette and a lighter. He lit the cigarette and began smoking.

"Here you go!" said Masked Loser, the world famous Super Hero. He held out the bag of groceries to the thief. The thief blew a puff of smoke towards Loser’s face making Loser cough and choke.

The thief took the bag and patted Loser on the shoulders. "You really are a loser. Not just a regular loser, but a major loser." Then he walked away.

Masked Loser smiled to himself, that remark cheered him up. "Why thank you sir, you make me feel gay!" said Loser, feeling quite giddy at the compliment.

A boy skated on a skateboard down the sidewalk and snickered at what Masked Loser had just said. Masked Loser snickered back. He felt so great today. Loser took a deep breath, coughed from the pollution, then walked up the sidewalk. The Masked Loser handed the grocery store owner a wad of money to pay for what the thief had taken.

"Thank you very much, Mr. Loser!" said the short man.

Masked Loser smiled and turned to walk back down the sidewalk. As Loser walked, he glanced across the street and saw the thief smash open the window of a parked car.

"Hey!" said Loser. "I never did get your name."

The thief smiled, relieved that Loser didn’t mention the obvious. "My name is Mike." Mike dropped his cigarette and unlocked the door to the car. Loser watched him get in the car and after a few moments the man had the car started. As the man started to drive away he pointed his middle finger at Loser.

"That’s right," said Loser, cheerfully chuckling to himself. "There’s only one way to heaven!"

As he watched the car rapidly drive away, he felt that something was not quite right. Oh well. It probably wasn’t too important.

Masked Loser continued his walk. He smiled and felt good that he helped a defenseless cat as well as an old grocer. Helping people was what Loser did best and helping people was the main motivation to become a Super Hero in the first place. He was quite proud of the fact that even though he was a loser he was still quite capable of making the lives of others better.

Loser looked ahead and saw that he still had quite a distance to walk. He wondered what other amazing adventures awaited him on this warm and sunny day.