*My mother thought I was a complete idiot. I moved in with a man I didn't know. I threw away an ivy league education and transferred to Port Charles University. Back then, I justified my actions by saying that I was seeking my own identity, but the truth was, after only a couple of months, I couldn't conceive of being so far away from Nikolas. Seven years ago, I hadn't even realized what was going on in my subconscious. But now, I know that Nikolas was my reason for staying. He was the reason I turned down my mother's offer to live with her. He was the reason, one night in particular, that I found a new part of myself.

It seems as if Nikolas has been my reason for everything...*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*We play games. Ever since the first day we met in the alley, Gia and I have done nothing but play games of intrigue with each other. Recently, they've gotten out of hand, but when they started, they were mind-blowing. I had never met a woman like Gia before. She was different. And she was exciting. We both delighted in the verbal sparring matches, the artful truth dodging, the pretending.

But all games grow dull eventually. So, being the brilliant man that I am, I changed the rules of the game. I probably should have told Gia first, though... *

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

''What are you doing, Nikolas?'' Gia asked, pausing half way up the front steps. She raised an eyebrow as she stared at him. He stood on the front porch, his back pressed against the door. In his hand he held a white lily. The snow fell down around them, the brisk December air giving Gia a chill as she pulled her wool coat closer around her. ''Ummm...why are you just standing there? Did you lock yourself out?''

Nikolas smiled at her confusion. ''No.''

''Okay...'' Gia drew out slowly. She had heard that all Cassadines were crazy, but she hadn't really believed it until now. ''So, is catching pneumonia your new past time? It's like three degrees out here and you're barely wearing a coat''

''I didn't know you cared,'' he replied coyly. He couldn't stop looking at her. She was so very beautiful, surrounded by fields of white, her face flushed red from the chill. Even the green knit cap with the furry ball on top added to the allure.

Gia was feeling self-conscious. She didn't like the way he was staring at her. He had an odd look in his eye, the same look he got after the Jag got a wax and shine. It was territorial. It was proud. It was raw passion. The last thing she needed was to see that look directed at her.

Not because she didn't want him, but because she did want him. What would she do if he knew how much it excited her just to see those deep dark eyes? How could she be in control if she let him know how much he needed her? She would never give him the power to hurt her. To make her weak. To make her need. To make her want...

him.

She pulled herself together, climbing the stairs and putting her hands on her hips. ''I don't care, Prince. Just worried about the rent if you kick the bucket.''

''Kick the bucket?'' He was amused.

''I'll show up, don't worry.''

''Show up where?''

''At your funeral after you die of hypothermia. I'll even say nice things.''

''Such as?'' he asked, his hand moving to lift one of her long braids into his hand. He twisted it between his thumb and forefinger.

He was closer than before and Gia swallowed the lump in her throat, before rolling her eyes. ''Oh, I don't know, probably something like: We gather here to mourn our friend, Nikolas Cassadine. He had a big-''

''Heart?''

''EGO, and of all the people I know, he was the most concerned with the welfare of...''

''Of?''

''His beloved companion and friend...''

''Who?''

''His carefully gelled hair. Many a day, I would come home to find them spending a quiet afternoon in front of the mirror...''

''I don't use gel, Gia. You know that,'' he took a step closer.

Gia took a step back. ''It is freezing out here. I'm going inside. Are you staying out here?''

''Yes.''

''Nikolas! What the heck is going on,'' she stormed. ''You're acting like a goober, standing out her in that little jacket with a wilted lily. And...DAMN! Look, let's just go in the house. Are you going to come with me? If not, then, move your royal rear out of my way!''

''I can't go inside, Gia.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm waiting for someone,'' he explained sweetly, closing the distance between them.

Gia was in retreat. For every step he took closer, she took one back. She didn't realize that she was at the edge of the step until she felt the heel of her boot slipping away into nothing. Nikolas' strong hands reached out to steady her. He gripped her arms, pulling her against him. He was so close that she could feel his breath on her cheek.

Their eyes locked, and for a few moments, he felt as if there was nothing but them and the wind that beat against their cold faces. In a husky whisper, Gia asked, ''Who are you waiting for?''

''You...''

And then he kissed her. His soft lips came to press insistently against hers. Despite every instinct not to, she returned his kiss. In the blustery December night, there was nothing but heat. She brought her arms up to circle around his neck. Nikolas moved his lips down the side of her neck, his chin nudging the wool scarf out of the way.

''Nikolas,'' she breathed, her breath spewing forth in a puffy cloud.

''I love you, Gia.''

Her eyes grew wide before she lowered them. In the dim light of the single bulb beside the door, he couldn't see. Finally, he had said it. He had thought it a million times in the past few months. Had imagined what it would be like to tell her. He had never actually allowed himself to imagine her response. He was starting to think that perhaps he should have. Then, at the very least, he would be prepared for any response. He hadn't, so now he was totally vulnerable. The words hung in the air like a clothesline full of wet clothes drying in the shade. He lifted her chin, daring her with his eyes to look at him.

And when she did, he returned her smile, pulling her back into the wide circle of his arms. Her tears fell against the suede of his jacket, streaking a trail on his shoulder. ''Oh Nikolas....I.I...I lov....damnit!!''

''You don't have to say it, Sparky. I know...''

''I can say it if you can say it! I...I feel it in my heart, Nikolas. I do..''

''I want to make love to you, Gia. Right here. Right now.''

''NO!'' she blurted out, rubbing her hands over his face.

''All right,'' he soothed, kissing her fingers as they ran over his lips. ''We won't do anything if you're not ready. I wouldn't rush you.''

''I want to make love to you, just not outside in the blistering cold.''

He laughed as he held her close again. ''What do you have against snowlove?''

''The snow.''

''In that case,'' he said, sweeping her into his arms, ''we'll find a warmer climate.'' He carried her across the porch, the long discarded lily suffering beneath his feet.

''Nikolas! My lily!''

''What makes you think that was for you?''

''Common sense,'' Gia fired back. She thought the lily was sweet. Especially the fact that he had bought if for her in the dead of winter.

He managed to open the door. “ Well, the lily is destroyed, but I think I can still provoke some sentimental girl-gushing out of you.'' He carried her across the doorway and into the cottage. The entire interior was filled with long-stemmed yellow roses. Vases graced the coffee table, the end tables, the floor in front and beside the fireplace, and were lined up along the windowsills.

''What have you done?'' she asked in utter shock.

''Your mere presence has filled my life with such overwhelming beauty, that I wanted to give some of that beauty back to you. You are the perfect rose, Gia.''

''Thorns and all?''

''I love your thorns,'' he said as he carried her up the stairs. She laid her head against his shoulder.

Quietly, Gia said, ''And I love you.''

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*We made love that night. Never before had I felt such an intense need to shout. I told her that I loved her.

And she said that she loved me, too. For whatever it's worth, even in our darkest hours, I have never doubted her love.

Never.*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*People assume certain things about me. Though I'm afraid to admit it, they're usually correct in their assumptions. But not in this one.

Nikolas was the first. Nikolas was the last.
Nikolas is the only one.

Forget about Jason...that was a mistake. Why can't life be like playing hide-and-seek? Just when you really need a DO-OVER, you can't get one.

Being an adult sucks. No take-backs. No do-overs. The only comfort I have is that no matter how badly I screwed up, there are some things that can never be tarnished by misdeeds. That first night, the very first time, was perfect.

Like the petals of a yellow rose...*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Their clothes were scattered across the floor, exactly where they had discarded them when they finally made their way to the master bedroom. Gia lay back against the pillows, her entire body trembling. Nikolas laid down beside her underneath the covers, his hand gliding down the soft skin of her inner thigh. ''Are you scared?'' he asked.

''Terrified.''

''Why?''

''Because you terrify me.''

''Is that one of my sexier attributes?''

''No, your @ss is one of your sexier attributes. Your ability to make me fear my own desire would be classified under annoying-''

''You talk too much, Gia,'' he said, covering her moving mouth with his own.

''Nikolas...'' she said, squirming away and gathering the blanket about herself.

His eyes were fearful as they met hers. ''Am I doing something wrong?''

''It's not that!''

''Then what is it?''

''I've never...''

Nikolas understood. ''Are you positive that this is what you want?''

More tears came to her eyes. ''I am positive. I have never been more positive.''

''Then, allow me to make love to you, Gia ,'' he said, pulling back the blanket. ''It will be a kind of first for both of us.''

''But I thought you and that Katherine woman-''

''We did, but I didn't love her and we never had anything but sex. I want to make love to you. I want to make love with you.''

''Ask and you shall receive, Prince,'' she said, rolling on top of him. ''I'm nothing if not accommodating.''

''Why do you spend so much time talking?''

''Silly me,'' she laughed, before they aligned and heaven ascended.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Chapter 2

Diary of Dysfunction

The Library