+ hansel and gretal +
obesity at its worst
i, chicken little, have been asked by many of the so-called "villians" of the fairy tale world to spread their true story as i did mine. and since the wicked witch of hansel and gretal paid cash, upfront, no strings, and in non-tracable bills, her story comes first. let's start at the beginning.
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original story | the wicked witch |
Poor Hansel and Gretal have been abandoned in the woods on their own, this is all the doing of their stepmother, Dolly, who just happens to be the sister of the Wicked Witch. They come across the Witch's house and are lured inside, the Witch is not in a very good mood as she has just been dumped off the back of her broomstick into a haystack. She's after them for revenge and wants to eat them..... UGH! Don't worry they manage to escape and be reunited with their Father. He is very happy as they are all a big happy family again, oh and the stepmother has gone and the father has just won 8½ million pounds on the lottery. They all live happily ever after, of course.
right. if that seemed like a righful account of the story you must have "shmuck" tatooed on your forehead. stupid fat little ... anyway. if hansel and gretal didn't happen to be larger than a stuffed thanksgiving turkey, none of this would have occured. and of course, the eville stepmother always gets blamed first. let's not consider that the father was a drunk. nope, the stepmother is at fault simple because she didn't go through childbirth with fasto number one and fatso number two. but we won't get into that here. that's for later. let's start to break everything down so we can set the record straight and i can get the other half of my payment.
the wicked witch

how come witches always get a bad wrap? they never did anything wrong! half the time they're just trying to make a living and then along come the bible beaters and before you know it, they're swinging from an elm. and let's be politically correct, shall we? shouldn't we rename the wicked witch "agitated pagan" or something? sometimes i think we're living in the stone age ... so if the agitated pagans don't take a battering in true life, they sure as heck make up for it in the fairy tales. why not choose a sock puppet or a fat german woman to be the eville one? well, some things can't be changed but most of them can be publically apologized for if you know the right people.

so here we have the wicked witch, who happens to live in a candy house. how extremly convient. can you imagine the upkeep on something like that? every day having to go out and re-ice the roof and replace the gumdrops that fell off because of heat. i don't think so. so if the "wicked witch" didn't have a candy house, why would the kids go inside? perhaps because they're morons. i think it was a classic goldilocks and the three bears case ... h and g were bored so they decided to try a little "breaking and entering" just like they saw on cops. then, when our agitated pagan (and if you ask me she had every right to be rather agitated) tried to usher them out with a spatula and a ladel they get pissed off and report that she was trying to eat them. so there's the truth on the agitated pagan. they always get blamed for everything along with the eville stepmother and/or sisters which brings us to the next point of dicussion.

that's all for now, i have to go consult with my lawyers and get my next payment from the agitated pagan.