Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Starring: Harrison Ford, Kate Capshaw, Ke Huy Quan

Review by The Ranting WolfCastle

     Indiana Jones.  Everybody likes these movies.  They've generally always just been accepted as good movies, and in fact, I've never really head anything bad about them.   I used to be a big fan of the whole Indiana Jones thing.  However, I recently watched "The Temple of Doom" again and my opinion changed completely.

     Pretty much everybody has seen this movie, so a plot synopsis is kind of irrelevant, but here's a feeble attempt nonetheless.  Indiana Jones (Ford) finds some sort of urn for this guy.  When he tries to get paid for his services, the guy cheats him.   A fight starts.  In the struggle a woman singer (Kate Capshaw) ends up with Jones along with a little Asian kid (Ke Huy Quan.)  They get on a plane and it crashes, they plummet on a blowup raft, landing safely on the ground.  Hooray.   They end up in a village and are pressured  into doing a favor for the people.   So they go to this place, to find the village's children, who have been kidnapped and are being worked as mine slaves.  They find the temple of doom and the action ensues.

     So what didn't I like about this movie?  I really didn't like much.  The dialogue is cheesy, the actors are annoying, the special effects suck, and the story is weak.  Just about the only thing I did like was Harrison Ford. 

     I must admit that the special effects aren't really too bad, taking into effect that the film was made in 1984.  So I guess I'll strike that complaint.  What can I say, technology has advanced and raised my standards.  I'm a victim.

     Now, keep in mind that I don't really like people very much.  I mean, I like you of course, but most people I find annoying.  It seems as though everyone in this movie was cast for the soul purpose of pissing your friend and humble narrator off.  Again, I'm the victim.  They're all out to get me.  Now I suppose you want some reasons for my slanderous allegations.  Alright, here goes, two main reasons.  Number One: That little Asian kid, Shorty.  He's very obnoxious, he's little and he yells everything and everything he yells is stupid.  At times I found myself just wishing I could reach into the screen and strangle him, squeezing every grain of life from his little annoying body.  And Number Two: That blonde haired bimbo singer, Willie.  I know this is her character, but she just screamed at everything.  How am I supposed to put up with 118 minutes of screeches reminiscent of my third grade teacher's finger nails on the blackboard?  Yeah, I can handle that...  I also found each and every member of the rest of the cast to be equally as exasperating.  With, of course, the exception of Ford and that weird guy that pulls people's hearts out.  Evil guys are cool.

     Another thing I hated about the movie, was the first half of it.  It was pretty fucking gross.  They eat bugs, and little snakes emerge from the wounds of larger snakes, there's monkey brains and bugs everywhere, and I just don't like that kind of stuff.  I'm a recovering arachnophobiac, and it's movies like this that make me have those awful relapses.  Frankly I just don't need to see that kind of stuff.   Stop calling me a pussy.

     In conclusion, I used to like this movie.  But while watching it recently, I found myself getting increasingly annoyed every second of the film.  That's why I wrote this review.  I know you don't care, because you probably like this movie, but I had to vent, all right?  So sue me.

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