June 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

June 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.

June 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

June 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his er... "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

June 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!

June 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

June 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I going to do?

June 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet, and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

June 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.

June 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!

June 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.

June 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

June 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants, stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. Arch!

A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room.

"What's the matter," he asked.

"Well, we had some bad news, and got some even worse news."

"What's the bad news?"

"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area, and China is warning them both that this could lead to a regional war -- that may go nuclear."

"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"

"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra."

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. . .

• DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
• PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
• CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."
• COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hair style. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
• BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
• NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
• NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
• FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
• FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
• PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
• LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Former U.S. Sen. Bob Dole announced that he was a test subject for the anti- impotence drug Viagra. "It is a great drug," said the retired senator, who was earlier diagnosed with prostate cancer.

The next day, Dole's wife Elizabeth was asked about the drug. "Let me just say . . . it's a great drug."

Mrs. Clinton, on the other hand, is asking Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, if they can develop a new drug. . . Anti-Viagra.

For women not-in-the-mood, California bars now have Viagra-free zones.

Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton's DNA.

If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!

Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: "I've been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING! It's the worst suppository I've ever used."

Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north.

What do you call a snake that takes Viagra? Cane.

New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to raise right up.

Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.

We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion. "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.

Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region.

The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.

For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead!

A wife found her husband's stash of Viagra and flushed it down the toilet. For three days they couldn't close the lid.

The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.

A guy left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.

Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Unconfirmed but frequent reports tell us that a man who overdosed on Viagra caused the funeral home problems - they couldn't close his coffin lid for 3 days.

. . . Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck.

A guy wasn't sure if he took Viagra or Vivarin, it didn't matter because he was up all night.

According to computer industry specialists Microsoft® needs Viagra. Examination report: "Micro" and "Soft"

Did you hear about the guy who took the Viagra without water? He woke up the next day with a stiff neck.

Did you hear about the man that died from taking Viagra? It was terrible, they buried him in an open casket.

Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on Viagra and died? It took a week to get his casket closed.

Did you hear about Levi's new jeans for Baby Boomer men? They come with just a "Viagra" more room.

Did you hear about the guys who broke into a drug store and stole some Viagra? The police are now searching for hardened criminal.

WASHINGTON, DC -- Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a constant state of sexual arousal. Several disasters or near-disasters have already been reported.

In Boise, a passenger plane skidded off the runway after the pilot's erection inadvertently hit the button that causes the landing gear to retract.

In San Bernardino County, outside of Los Angeles, a 17-car pileup occurred when trucker Dirk Diggler apparently lost control of his rig, blocking his vision and causing him to also lose control of his truck.

10. "Viagra, the quicker dicker upper."
 9. "Here's the beef!"
 8. "Get a piece of the rock."
 7. "You've come a long way, baby."
 6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em."
 5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
 4. "Tastes great, more filling."
 3. "Viagra, built ram tough."
 2. "Just do her."
 1. "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"

London -- Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot. Scotland authorities have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.

The makers of Viagra have announced a plan to use proceeds from the sale of Viagra to finance the development of a pill for women that will make elderly men desirable.

The National Organization of Potent Men has announced a plan to protest the distribution of Viagra. A spokesman for the organization stated "Viagra gives an impotent man the ability to sustain an erection for up to four hours. This causes feelings of inadequacy, a leading cause of impotency, in normally potent men." The organization fears a sudden and dramatic shift in the demographics of it's membership.

Kenneth Starr is reportedly investigating a rumor that the Republican Party had used Bob Dole's supply of Viagra from clinical trials to spike fast food deliveries to the White House. The White House has confirmed a report that the entire male staff had participated in a "blind" clinical study in which all but one individual had received a placebo. There was no comment as to the identity of that individual.