50 Fun Things To Do At Walmart
The Top 10 Indications Your Family May Be Dysfunctional
Things You Would Never Hear a Southerner Say
Ways To Handle Stress
You Know You're From the Silicon Valley When...

---

50 Fun Things To Do At Walmart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi!  I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc.  See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crud, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a  "test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles,always staying about five feet away.  Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow.  Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm    Batman.  Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no!  It's those voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
 

1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.

2. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.

3. Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the last beer.

4. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.

5. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.

6. Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house.

7. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."

8. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.

9. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.

10. You feel compelled to have to share your shitty life on the Jerry Springer Show!
 

"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"

Duct tape won't fix that

Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael

Come to think of it I'll have a Heiniken's

We don't keep firearms in this house.

Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?

You can't feed that to the dog.

I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

Wrasslin's fake.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

We're vegetarians.

Do you think my hair is too big?

I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?

Who's Richard Petty?

Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

Deer heads detract from the decor.

Spitting is such a nasty habit.

I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

Trim the fat off that steak.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

The tires on that truck are too big.

I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

I've got it all on a floppy disk.

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Checkmate.

She's too old to be wearing that bikini.

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

I don't have a favorite college team.

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

Elvis who?
 

Drive to work in reverse.

Dance naked in front of yours pets.

Use you Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.

Make a list of things you have already done.

Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

Find out what a frog in the blender really looks like.

Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.

Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.

When someone says "Have a nice Day!" tell them you have other plans.

Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.

Go Shopping.  Buy everything.  Sweat in them.  Return them the next day.

Thumb thru National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.

Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send her off to the preschool as if nothing is wrong.

Get a box of condoms, then wait in line at the checkout counter and ask a cashier where fitting rooms are.

You make $120,000 a year, but can't find a place to live.

You see nothing but expensive cars because of .

Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles from work.

You stop asking how much things cost and start asking "How long will it  take?"

Two-thirds of the people you know are from Boston, Austin, Raleigh-Durham  or New York, but you are living in PST.

You know vast and subtle differences between Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean food.

Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that isn't  on the  consumer market yet.

You go to "The City" on weekends but don't live there because you like your car.

You think that "I'm going to Fry's Electronics" is an acceptable excuse to leave the office for a while.  And your boss does too.

You /lost/never had/don't know how to set/ the alarm clock.

You'll just  get to work when you get there.

You go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a fight over what flavor of UNIX is better.

You own more than 10 articles of clothing that have hardware and/or software companies printed on them.  (Bonus for embroidered stuff.)

You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, and Floppy Drive are located.

You know where Woz is.

You know Hwy 280 North runs west, and Hwy 680 North runs East.

Even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in the  Bay  Area,  they only work on Powerpoint, and the company is still  the embodiment of  Satan.  (Even if their stock IS worth more than yours.)

You see a billboard that says "FGPA2ASIC" and aren't fazed.

When you need the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers, you just walk  across the street.

You have more bandwidth in your apartment or condo than most major universities.

You have to hire security to keep the panhandlers off your terrace. (Oakland/Berkeley).

None of the people you work with are bible thumpers.

You scan yard sales for back issues of "Dr. Dobbs."

Your favorite computer reseller speaks only Cantonese.

Your workplace vending machines dispense "100% natural twig-bars" right  next to Jolt cola and Instant Espresso mix.

No one brings radios into work - they just use RealAudio and listen to  the dj.com, rebelradio.com, or other out-of-state stations.

You don't understand how the carpool lanes work because you normally don't commute during those hours.

You meet a friend for lunch and the first topic is where they are working now.  And the 2nd topic is "who's hiring".

You go to the movies and EVERYBODY claps along with the SciFi theme music.

You entice prospective employees to join your company by bragging about the speed of your internet connection.

You've replaced your box of floppies with a box of Zip disks, but that's just until you get your box of Jazz disks.

You have completely forgotten how to write longhand.