You Know You're Addicted to the Internet When...
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The Warning Signs of Insanity
 58 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
 How to Repel People
 Rejected State Mottos

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You Know You're Addicted to the Internet When...

You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
 

You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e- mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has it's own home page.

You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 17" inch svga monitor.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You refer to your age as 3.x.

You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to
ask.

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.

You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim. html

You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a larger bandwidth

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while you are pretending to catch your breath.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

You forget what year it is.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)

You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the
two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.

The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your sister ran past you to catch her 7am school bus.

You create a homepage with the impression to cure the afflicted...but your hidden agenda is to receive more e-mail.

Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged on in two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISPs access number. You try to hum to communicate with it. You succeed.

1.  Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2.  Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

3.  BoBo! Come back with that!  Bad Dog.

4.  Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, what's that?

5.  Hand me that ...uh..that uh..thingie.

6.  Oh no!  I just lost my rolex.

7.  Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

8.  Darn, there go the lights again...

9.  Ya'll know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them.

10. Everybody stand back.  I lost my contact lense.

11. Could you stop that thing from beating?  It's throwing my concentration off.

12. What's this doing here?

13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

14. That's cool!  Now can you make his leg twitch.

15. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

16. Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

17. Sterile, schmerile.  The floor's clean, right?

18. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...?

19.  Fire, fire!  Everyone get out now.

20. Darn, page 47 of the manual is missing.
 

1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a  sledgehammer.

2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward off evil dandruff spirits.

7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

11. You laugh out loud during funerals.

12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

17. You collect dead windowsill flies.

18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.

20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.

23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.

27. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

28. Melba toast excites you.

29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."

32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be

 eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

40. You like reading lists like this. :)

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a nightcrawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.

13. It's OK, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inchworm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Ever hear of Clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!

58. Nevermind, why bother
 

1.  Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)... but at least I have her skin to remember her by.

2.  Have you ever tried cat meat?

3.  I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the playground really miss me.

4.  Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!

5.  I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.

6.  I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!

7.  The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!

8.  I work for the IRS.

9.  I puked on the last person who flew next to me.

10. My butt reeeally itches!

11. Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!

12. My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.

13. The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.

14. Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?

15.  Wanna see my tonsils? I keep them in a jar.

16. I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?

17. The doctors say that my eighth personality is the least dangerous.

18. Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!

19. Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!

20. Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?

21. I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not!

22. This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.

23. Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!

24. If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up.

25. Wanna buy a gerbil?

26. Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right behind the Savior David!

27. Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off.

28. Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at the border!

29. I've just been treated for tapeworms.

30. Don Knotts is my favorite actor!

31. I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck.

32. The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much better when I left a couple days ago.

33. Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?

34. I collect aluminum foil.

35. Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers!

36. I work in a landfill.

37. I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience.

38. I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!

39. I work on a Japanese whaling ship.

40. We're planning on leaving our bodies and meeting with the mother ship next Tuesday -- wanna come?

ALABAMA -"Literacy Ain't Everything"

ALASKA - "Damn, It's Cold Here"

ARIZONA - "Damn, It's Hot Here"

ARKANSAS - "At Least We're Not Oklahoma"

CALIFORNIA - "Se Habla Ingles"

COLORADO - "Home of South Park"

CONNECTICUT - "New York City's Other Suburb"

DELAWARE - "We're Number One! We're Number One!"

FLORIDA -  "The Gunshine State"

GEORGIA - "Yeehaw"

HAWAII - "Give Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Huddled Masses Yearning for a Vacation"

IDAHO - "Famous Potatoes....and Neo Nazis"

ILLINOIS - "Gateway To Iowa"

INDIANA - " Home Of Dan Quayle"

IOWA - "We're the Real Children of the Corn"

KANSAS - "Don't Blame Us, We Voted For Dole"

KENTUCKY - "Tobacco Is A Vegetable"

LOUISIANA - "Y'all Gon' Eatcha Summadat Hot Stuff Tanite!"

MAINE - " For Sale"

MARYLAND - "We're Better Than Virginia, Damn It"

MASSACHUSETTS - "More Per Capita Witch Burnings than Any Other State"

MICHIGAN - "There's More than Detroit Up Here, People"

MINNESOTA - "Land of 7,000 Lakes and 3,000 Man-Made Ponds"

MISSISSIPPI - "We Lernd Howta Spellit In Skool"

MISSOURI - "Whoever Heard of the UTAH Jazz Anyway?"

MONTANA - "Land Of The Big Sky, and Very Little Else"

NEBRASKA - "Husk This"

NEVADA - "Everything's Legal"

NEW JERSEY - "The Garbage State"

NEW HAMPSHIRE - "We're Only Important Every Four Years"

NEW MEXICO - "Lizards Make Excellent Pets"

NEW YORK - "You Have The Right to Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney"

NORTH CAROLINA - "Five Million People: Fifteen Last Names"

NORTH DAKOTA - "What the Hell Is the Capital of This Place?"

OHIO - "Don't Judge Us By Cleveland"

OKLAHOMA - "And Toto too?"

OREGON - "Jerry Garcia Was Here"

PENNSYLVANIA - "Cook With Coal"

RHODE ISLAND - "Size Doesn't Count That Much"

SOUTH CAROLINA - "To All Hurricanes: X Marks the Spot"

SOUTH DAKOTA - "Closer Than North Dakota"

TENNESSEE - "The Educashun State"

TEXAS - "Don-t Mess With Texas...We're Armed"

UTAH - "Our Jesus is Better than Your Jesus"

VERMONT - "We Love Phishing"

VIRGINIA - " We're Better Than Maryland, Damn it"

WASHINGTON - "Seems It Never Rains in Southern California..."

WEST VIRGINIA - "Incest Is Best"

WISCONSIN - "Moo"

WYOMING - "Yes, We Do Have a Walmart...Somewhere"