Long Jokes

Long Jokes #2

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The jokes contained on this page do not reflect the views of the creator of The Jokes Homepage nor are they intended to degrade other people. They are merely jokes intended for entertainment not to bash blondes, lawyers, nor people of different race or gender. If you believe these jokes to be offensives, leave this site, do not email me complaining. I don't hate anyone or group of people mentioned in these jokes. I only posted these jokes as a collection for others who can take these jokes lightheartedly.

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There were three woman having coffee together, one was a red head, the other a brunette and the last one a blonde. They all wanted to have babies so they went off to get pregnant. They all came back 3 monthes later and met at the same table. The brunette said "I am going to have a boy." The red head said "how do you know that?" Brunette answered, "well I was on the bottom and my husband was on top so that will usually get a boy" the red head said "then I am bound to get a girl because I was on top instead" and the brunette nodded. They turned their attention to the blonde who was crying her eyes out they asked her, "What is wrong?" She answered "if that is true then I am going to have puppies"
Submitted by: Filmdude

Two Bloundes are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks. One looks to the other and says, "Deer Tracks". The other says, "No, Moose Tracks!"
"Deer Tracks"
"Moose Tracks"
"Deer Tracks"
"Moose Tracks"
They were still arguing, when the TRAIN hit them!
Submitted by: Marc Allen

This farmer is having trouble as his hens are not laying so he hires the services of a stud cockerel to service his hens. On the first day he lets the cockerel out who storms into the hen-house and screws every one of them then rushes out and screws the farmers dog too. The farmer gets him by the neck and warns him "If you carry on like that you'll be in an early grave." The next day the cockerel blasts into the hen-house and screws all the hens again then procedes to screw two sheep, four pigs, a goose, the farmers dog (again), the farmers cat and no less than 15 cows before the farmer intervenes. "You'll kill yourself if you carry on like that." Next morning the farmer opens the curtains to see the cockerel lying on his back in the farmyard, feet in the air, lifeless and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer dresses and goes over to the cockerel, "I told you you'd kill yourself you daft sod." The cockerel opens one eye and says "SShhhh, buzzards ...."
Submitted by: Peter Gough

There's a guy traveling on a plane and he has to go to the washroom real bad, and the washrooms are all occupied. A stuartist see's him squirming, and tells him he can use the girls private washroom, but before he goes in she tells him not to touch the green, blue or red buttons. So he's in the washroom sitting on the toilet and he see's the buttons, so just out of curiosity he pushes the green button and a stream full of warm water squirts him in the butt. Then he decides to press the blue button, and this warm air dry's off his ass, and he says "Wow these girls have it made". Then he presses the red button thinking alright this is going to be great, all he could remember before everything went black was this intollerable pain. The next thing he knew was he woke up in a hospital bed with a nurse watching over him. He asked what happened, and she said the red button was an automatic tampon remover, your penis is under your pillow.
Submitted by: Brad Timmins

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped on it. "That was a HoneyBee" his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a whole week." Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a Butterfly" his father said, "One of our friends, and for stomping it you will do without Butter for a whole week." The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his toast plain & dry (no honey and no butter). Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. The boy's mother stomped on it. The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"
Submitted by: Thor

There's this plane, and on it there's the pilot, a priest, a teacher, and the teacher's class. Suddenly a fire breaks out in one of the engines, and the plane starts to go down. "Oh no" says the pilot, "We're going to have to jump for it guys, and there's only three parachutes!" he says to the priest and the teacher, so he hands out the only three parachutes and gives them to them. Just as they are about to jump, the teacher remembers his students. "What about the kids?" he asks the pilot. "Aw, f**k 'em" he says. Then the priest goes "Is there enough time?"
Submitted by: Thor

A four year old girl was standing in the shower with her mother when she suddenly pointed at her breasts and said: "Mother, when will I get a couple of those?!" and her mother answered: "You´ll get them when you get older, in ten years." The girl said ok, and the next day she was in the shower with her father. She pointed at the fathers penis and said: "Father, when will I get a thing like that?" and the father answered: "You´ll get that in two weeks when your mother goes to mexico..!"
Submitted by: Marius Witzoe

Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives him the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it. While at the bar, the father sees several old friends. He tells him that he's dying of AIDS. When friends leave the son asks, "Dad, your dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that your dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them having sex with your mother while I'm gone!"
Submitted by: Rory Banks

There was this ex-porn star that had to quit his job because of impotency. He finally found a job at a full-sevice gas station. He got fired becuase after filling the tanks about halfway or so, he would remove the hose and splash gas all over the back of the car...
Submitted by: CyberWeazle

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and wants a tattoo of Mike Tyson on the inside of one thigh and Holyfield on the other. When the man is done the lady looks down and says that it doesn't look anything like them. The man then says he'll go get a man in the waiting room to verify that it is. The man comes back with another man. The lady asks, "Does this look like Mike Tyson?" The man said it did. So she then asked, "Well, then does this look like Evander Holyfield?" The man said it did and then he replied, "Looks like Don King isin the middle."
Submitted by: Josh Eymann

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