Long Jokes

Long Jokes #3

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The jokes contained on this page do not reflect the views of the creator of The Jokes Homepage nor are they intended to degrade other people. They are merely jokes intended for entertainment not to bash blondes, lawyers, nor people of different race or gender. If you believe these jokes to be offensives, leave this site, do not email me complaining. I don't hate anyone or group of people mentioned in these jokes. I only posted these jokes as a collection for others who can take these jokes lightheartedly.

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A fat woman came to my shoe store yesterday and asked for a size 5, so I asked her if she was sure it will fit cause her feet don't look that small. She told me that it will later cause she hurt her foot and its swollen now, so I asked her if she also fell on her ass cause that looks pretty swollen too. She jumped up and yelled "I can't believe you said that to my face!" So I replied, "I would have said it behind your back but my car only has a half a tank of gas!"
Submitted by: Unknown

A gorgious, sexy woman ordered room service. Dressed in a flimsy robe answers the door. Seeing the young bellhop, she decided to tease him a bit. She pulled back her robe showing "knock 'em dead legs." The she opened her robe and showed him her tits. Alarmed she said, come on in I hear some one coming. Then she ask him, "Tell me honey..what do like about me most?"
"Your ears," he said without hesitation...
"My ears! I don't understand!"
"Well" the bellhops responsed,
"That someone you heard coming, was me!"

Submitted by: Roman

There was a redhead a brunette and a blond on an island. The nearest island was 20 miles away they wanted to get to the other island so the redhead decided to swim to it. She got 15 miles and decided she was tired, so she drowned. The brunette wanted to know if she made it so she swam. She got 15 miles to the island, and also decided she was tired so she drowned too. The blond wanted to know if they both made it so she swam 19 miles decided she was tired and swam back.

Submitted by: Trish and Sandra

A young boy and his grandpa were walking through a pasture one day when they spotted a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. The boys grandpa unzips his pants and starts to get this sheep up the ringer. After he finishes he asks the boy if he wants a turn. The young boy stickes his head in the fence.

Submitted by: Sid Finch

There are 2 blondies rowing in a boat out in the middle of a corn field. Then a blondie was in her car and she stops and rolles down her window and says, "Its blonds like you that make blonds like me look bad."
"If I wasnt so mad, I'd swim out there and tip your boat".

Submitted by: Dan Becker

A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements. The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the president's office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted. She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him.
He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"
"Not at all", was her reply. "I bet".
"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports or in casinos?!"
"Nothing like that", she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I'll bet you $5000 that by tomorrow morning your backside will turn green".
The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, he agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left. As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking with a mirror to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match in case he would slip on the grass and green from the grass might go through his flimsy pants making his rear end green. He went home early. The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his. The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved. The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself. Considering the amount at stake he deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances. So he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his bottom for any abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall.
He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?"
She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh him, Yesterday I bet him $25,000 that before ten A.M. today I`d have the bank president's pants off and be examining his butt".

Submitted by: Neil Asselin

The pope and President Clinton die within the same day. The pope went to hell and the president went the heaven. A few days later G-d realizes he made a terrible mistake and he decides to switch them. Half way between heaven and hell, they meet. The pope is very excited and the president asks him why. "Why are you so excited?"
"Because I can't wait to meet the Virgin Mary!" and Clinton replies, "You are twenty minutes late."

Submitted by: Jared

Santa Clause went to this house where this good-looking girl was fully clothed, and she said "Santa will you stay?"
Santa: Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta go, got more toys to deliver.
Then he went to the next house where this girl had her shirt and her pants off.
Half-naked girl: Santa wiil you stay?
Santa: Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta go, got more toys to deliver.
Then he went to the next house where this girl was entirely naked.
Naked girl: Santa will you stay?
Santa: Hey hey hey, gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way.

Submitted by: C' Dogg

One morning a little boy came in the kitchen sceaming:
"Mom , Mom! Dad hung himself in the basement!"
So his Mom ran downstairs frantically. The kid started laughing saying:
"Ha ha...April fools...He hung himself in the garage!"

Submitted by: Unknown

A chicken and a horse are walking through a pasture and they are friends. Suddenly the horse gets stuck in a mud hole and he screams for help. The chicken says hold on and goes and gets the farmer's Mercadeis and comes back and ties a rope on the car and throws the rope to the horse and drags the horse out. The next day the chicken gets stuck in the same mud hole and screams for help. The horse stretches over the mud hole and says, "Grab my dick" and the chicken is saved. So what is the moral of the story?
If you have a dick as big as a horse you do not have to have a Mercadies to pick up chicks!

Submitted by: Jennifer Steinle

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