Long Jokes #4
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The jokes contained on this page do not reflect the views of the creator of The Jokes Homepage nor are they intended to degrade other people. They are merely jokes intended for entertainment not to bash blondes, lawyers, nor people of different race or gender. If you believe these jokes to be offensives, leave this site, do not email me complaining. I don't hate anyone or group of people mentioned in these jokes. I only posted these jokes as a collection for others who can take these jokes lightheartedly.
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There are these three construction workers on a building. An Irishman, a Mexican and a Red Neck. It is Luchtime and the Irishman opes his lunch and says " Beef and Cabage," "If I have Beef and Cabage one more day I am going to jump off this building. Then the Mexican opens his lunch and says "Buritos" "If I have Burritos one more day I'm going to jump off this building". Then the redneck opens his lunch and says "Balony Sandwich" "If I have a balony sandwich one more day I'm going to jump off this building." So the next day they all get the same lunches and they all jump off the building. At the funeral the Irishman's wife is saying "Beef and Cabage, if I had known how much he hated beef and Cabage I wouldn't have given him that." Then the Mexican wife says "If I had known he hated Burritos I would have made him enchaldas or something." Then everyone turns to the rednecks wife and she says "Don't look at me he made his own lunch".
Submitted by: Jason Smith
There is a blonde, a red head, and a brunette. They're stranded in the desert. They find a magic lamp and rub it. A genie appears and grants them one wish each. The brunette wants a glass of water, the red head wants to be out of there, the blonde wants a car door. The brunette asks her why, she said "in case it gets hot I can roll the window down."
Submitted by: Tiffany Bridgeman
A husband and wife are in bed and the husband asks the wife for sex and she says no because she has to visit the gynocogist and if she were to have sex tonight the doctor would know and she would be very embareassed. The husband says ok and rolles over. A couple of seconds, the husband rolls back over and says "Honey, do you have a dentist appointment?"
Submitted by: Ryan Delahunt
There were 3 brothers who were very dumb. One owned a candy store and always said goody goody gum drops. The 2nd one owned a silverware store and always said forks and knives. The 3rd one owned a m&m's store and always said mememememememe. A police officer came by to say there was a man killed. The police man said did you guys murder the man and one of them said memememememememe! The police man said with what. Another brother said forks and knives. The police man said you guys are going to jail. The last brother said goody goody gum drops.
Submitted by: lsimon2294
A man walks into a store and asks how much your cigars are. The clerk said I don't know. His boss came out and asked how many cigars you sold. He said none, his boss asked why not, and he said they don't know.
Submitted by: Dustin
A blonde went to the store she said to the manager "How much is that tv"? He said, "I don't sell tv's to blondes". So she dyed her her red and came back again and said, "How much is that tv"? He said the same thing, so she cut her hair off, came back, and asked again. He said the same thing. She said how did you know I was a blonde? He said, "Because that is a microwave not a tv.
Submitted by: Veronica
A blonde suspected her boyfriend was cheating so she bought a gun and came home early one day from work to find her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She took out the gun from her purse and was so distraught she held the gun to her head. Her boyfriend shouted "No honey, no!" She replied "shutup! you're next!"
Submitted by: CK
A husband and his wife go to a marriage counsler. The marriage counsler asked them what was wrong, and the husband said his wife always wants him to do her in the ear. Then he asked the husband why he thinks that. The husband said whenever he offers his dick up to her my she says no and turns her head.
Submitted by: Patrick Piland
) There was this man and he wanted to speak to G-D. G-D said, "What can I do for you my son?" The man said "G-D, why did you make women so beautiful?" G-D said, "Oh my son, my son, so that you will like them." The man said, "OK, but why did you make them so soft?" G-D said, "Oh my son, my son, so that you will like them." The man said, "OK, but tell me why did you make them so...so...so STUPID!!" G-D said, "OH my son, my son, so that they will LIKE YOU!"
Submitted by: DIANA
There are these two fleas. These two fleas vacation to Florida every winter. So one day they decide to meet in a bar. They have the following conversation:
flea #2: "I'm sooo cold"
flea#1: "Why are you so cold"
#2: "Well I rode on a bikers mustache to get here"
#1: "Well, what I do, is I go out and have a few beers, then I go to the airport and find a sexy stewardess that is going to Florida. Then I climd up her leg and rest,...well you know where I'm talking about. It's really warm and cozy. When you wake up, your in Florida"
So the two fleas depart, the second flea promising to do what his friend said the next year.
So the next year:
#2: "I am soooooo cold"
#1: "Why!? didn't you do what I said?"
#2: "Of course I did, I fell asleep, but when I woke up, I was on the mustache of a biker!"
Submitted by: Kendall Carpenter
A blonde walked into a store to get a coke from the vending machine. She was using a lot of quarters. A man saw her buy a lot of pop. He walked up to the blonde and said, "What are you doing?" The blonde said, "I'm winning!"
Submitted by: PoPoLoUs23
Little Johnny returned to catholic school after summer vacation was over. Sister Mary gave them their first assignment due the next day. it was for them to write about something that happened on their vacation. The next day they returned to class, and Sister Mary called on Johnny to read his paper. Johnny stood up and began to read: On my summer vacation, my cat ran out in the street and got hit right in the ass by a truck. With that Sister Mary yelled out, "Oh! Johnny we don't say ass, we say rectum. Little Johnny replied, "Recked him, damn near killed him."
Submitted by: Robert Hand
Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
I need you to whip it out by 5:00!
Mind if I use your laptop?
Put this in my box before you leave.
I want it on my desk now!
Hmm.. I think I'm out of fluid.
My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish!
It's an entry level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!
Submitted by: Issa Mahshi
A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde were sentenced to death. When the brunette was to have her head cut off, the guards excecuting her asked her to say her last words. She screamed "TORNADO!TORNADO!" and the guards thought there REALLY was a tornado and ran off, leaving her to escape. When the red-head was to have chains bound around her and thrown into the sea, the guards asked her to say her last words. She yelled "HURRICANE!HURRICANE!" and the guards ran off again, leaving the red-head to escape. When the blonde was to be shot by guns to death, they asked for her last words and she cried "FIRE!FIRE!" So the guards fired thier guns at her!
Submitted by: Starah
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were being chased by an axe murderer. The three ran in a nearby barn and hid in three sacks. The axe murderer ran in the barn and poked the first sack. The redhead said "Meow". He figured it was only a cat so he went on the the next sack. He poked it and the brunette said "Ruff, ruff". He figured it was only a dog so he went on to the last sack. When he poked it the blonde said "Potatoes"!
Submitted by: aLLy
THE PREACHER'S ASS
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price of a horse was so high that he bought a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline:
"PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS"
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time it won! The paper read:
"PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"
The bishop was so upset with this publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter his donkey in another race. The headlines read:
"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"
This was too much for the bishop abd he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in the nearby convent. The healines read:
"NUN HAD BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The bishop fainted! He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer willing to buy him for $10. The paper read:
"NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS"
They buried the bishop the next day. The headline?:
"NUN'S ASS KILLS BISHOP"
Submitted by: Sarah
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