Long Jokes

Long Jokes #5

*Disclaimer*

The jokes contained on this page do not reflect the views of the creator of The Jokes Homepage nor are they intended to degrade other people. They are merely jokes intended for entertainment not to bash blondes, lawyers, nor people of different race or gender. If you believe these jokes to be offensives, leave this site, do not email me complaining. I don't hate anyone or group of people mentioned in these jokes. I only posted these jokes as a collection for others who can take these jokes lightheartedly.

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Stuttering Bob finally got a job selling Bibles door to door for the church. Two weeks later at the sales meeting the new salesmen were asked how many bibles each had sold. Finally, as Bob got his turn, he said "wa wa wa one hundred." "My God man how did you sell so many?" the pastor asked. "Wa wa wel I would ga ga go to the da da da door and sa sa sa say I I I I sa sell bibles. Do ya ya you want to ba ba ba buy one o o o or wa would you ra ra rather I ra ra read to ya.

Submitted by: Unknown

This guy was in the supermarket one day and he sees a really good looking girl that's working there. He goes up to her and ask, "I wanna buy some condoms, but I don't know what size I am", so she puts her hand down his pants and says "SIZE TWO ON ISLE THREE." Another guy saw the whole thing and wants to try it himself, so he goes up to her and asks the same thing, she replies "SIZE 4 ON ISLE THREE." Another younger man saw the 2 other guys accomplish this and he wants some of the action, so he does the same as the other two. So she sticks her hand down his pants and says, "CAN I GET A MOP ON ISLE THREE."

Submitted by: ~Hurt~ aka AnDrEA

This blonde woman was so sick of hearing all these blonde jokes, so she dyed her hair brown and moved to another town. While she was driving there, she saw a farmer with some sheep. Seeing if she could prove she was smart, she walked up to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have here, can I have one of them?" The farmer agrees, and she says, "358," The farmer is suprised and says, "Your excatly right!! You can go pick out a sheep." So she goes and picks out a sheep and starts to put it in her car when the farmer says, "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Submitted by: ~Hurt~ aka AnDrEA

A man is driving along and hits these two packies. He goes, "Shit how am I going to get out of this." So he goes to his soliciter and he said to tell him what happened. So the man sat down and said, "I was driving along 30mph, hit these two packies. The first one hit his head on my windshield and the second one hits his knee on the bumper." The soliciter said, "No, tell me what really happened." The man said, "OK, I was doing slightly over the speed limit, hit the two packies and the first one banged his head on the windshield, and the second scraped his knee on the bumper." The soliciter said, "No, come one, tell me what really happened and you won't get in trouble." So the man goes, "Right, I was driving along doing about 70mph, hit these two packies. The first one went flying in the air and landed smack bang in the middle of the windshield. The second one hit my bumper and went flying about 70 yards up the road." The soliciter said, "Great we'll get the first one for breaking and entering and the second one for leaving the scene of the crime.

Submitted by: Unknown

There was a husband and a wife that were tired of doing the same old thing. So, they decided to take up a sport. The only sport they could agree on was golf. They went out one day and did terrible, but had a great time. They decided to get private lessons. The husband went for his lesson the next day. He met the instructor, and the instructor told him to pick out a club and hit the ball as hard as he could down the fairway to see what the man could do. The man did and the ball only went about 20 feet. Then the instructor told him the hold the club like he would hold his wifes breasts. The man did and the ball went 200 feet down the fairway and made a hole on one. He husband was so excited, he went strait home and told his wife about how good he was now. The wife went for her lesson the next day. She met the instructor and he told her to pick a club and hit the ball as hard as she could down the fairway so he could see what she could do. She hit the ball and it only went about 5 feet. The instructor told her to hold the club just like she would hold her husbands penis. She did and the ball still only went 15 feet. The instructor told her that that was good, but the next time, she should take the club out of her mouth.

Submitted by: Cathy

A man was walking in the desert and stumbled across a lamp. He picked it up and decided to rub it. He rubbed it and a genie popped out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes." The man said "I always wanted to be rich, so give me a billion dollars." The genie said "It shall be done." The genie waved his hand, there was a puff of smoke and a billion dollars appeared before the man. The man said "Well, I always wanted to go to Hawaii." The genie said "Done, now that was your second wish so what do you want your third wish to be?" The man said "Well, I was always afraid of flying so build me a bridge to Hawaii." The genie said "Hey, wait a minute. I am a pretty powerful genie, but it thousands of miles over water hundreds of feet deep. Even I can't do that." The man said "Okay, well I have always been unlucky in love so I want you to make me a woman that is blonde, caring, compassionatte, and above all, itelligent." The genie looked at the man and said, "Would you like that to be a two lane or a four lane highway."

Submitted by: Unknown

Three blondes were walking through a desert and found a lamp. They rubbed it and a genie popped out. The genie said "There are three of you so I will give you each one wish." The first blonde said "I want to be ten times smarter than I am right now." The genie said "It shall be done." A puff of smoke and BOOM!! The first blonde was a redhead. The second blonde said "I want to be a hundred times smarter than I am right now." The same thing happened and she turned into a brunette. The third blond said I want to be a thousand times smarter than both of those two put together. The genie said "Well, okay." Then she turned into a man.

Submitted by: fathom069

PACKERS TICKETS

There was a Packers fan with a really bad seat at Lambeau Field. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."

The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear that. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Submitted by: Stephanie

One day after a hailstorm, a blonde went to get her car fixed. The guy at the body shop told her to blow into the tailpipe and the dents would pop out. The blond goes home and starts blowing in the tailpipe when her roomate(another blonde) asks what she's doing. I'm blowing in the tailpipe to get these dents out but its not working the first blonde replies. "Well Duh," says the roomate, first you have to roll up the windows!

Submitted by: Burt

Point System for clueless guys who want to please their wives: Develop a noticable potbelly.....-10
Develop a noticable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.....+10
Develop a noticable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and loose Hawaiian shirts.....-15
You then say, "I don't give a crap 'cause you got one too.....-800

Your wife asks you, "Am I fat?"....-5
You hesitate in responding....-10
You respond, "Where?".....-35

Submitted by: J. D. Taylor

A blonde walked into a store to get a coke from the vending machine. She was using a lot of quarters. A man saw her buy a lot of pop. He walked up to the blonde and said, "What are you doing?" The blonde said, "I'm winning!"

Submitted by: J. D. Taylor

One evening while the President's wife was out, he decided that he wanted a call girl. So he called up three girls, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. He takes the first girl (blonde) into his office and asks her "What will it cost me to spend sometime with you?" She replied, "For me to spend some time with you it will cost you $200.00." So he brought in the redhead in and asked her the same question. Her answer was, "Sir, it's only gonna cost ya $100.00" He thought about it and then desided to bring in the brunette. Again he asked her the same question. "Well Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, pull my panties as low as my wage, and screw me like you do the public then it's not gonna cost you damn thing."

Submitted by: Kristen

Three blondes walked into a bar and went to the bartender and asked for ten glasses of wine. They took the ten glasses and went over to a table. They each raised a glass and cheered, "51 days! 51 days!" The bartender was curious about the cheer but before he could ask about it, four more blondes walked in and over to the table. They each picked up a glass of wine and all 7 of them cheered, "51 days! 51 days!" The bartender again was curious and was going to ask when three more blondes walked in joining the others at the table. One of them set down a picture in the middle of the table. Then all ten blondes cheered and said, "51 days! 51 days!" So finally the bartender went over to ask what the cheer 51 days meant. When he went over, he looked at the picture in the center of the table. It was a ten piece childrens puzzle. One blonde explained to him, "The box said 2-4 years, but we all put it together in 51 days!"

Submitted by: Jackie

There was this woman who had a boyfriend that beat her. He was not good in bed either. One day he walked out on her. Well, the woman put an ad in the paper saying:

Wanted, man who will not beat me, walk out on me, and he must be good in bed. Well, one day there was a knock on the door. The woman went and answered it, and the man at the door said:

I'm here for the ad.
Woman: But you don't have any arms!
Man: That way I can't beat you.
Woman: You don't have any legs either.
Man: That way I can't walk out on you.
Then the woman asked:
Then How did you knock on the door?
The man said, "You know the good in bed is in the ad? Well, babe, why don't I pick you up at eight and we can ride til ten."

Submitted by: Bubblegoose

There was a boy who was coming home on the bus from a trip to Disney World. He got a sudden urge to go to the bathroom. So he told the driver he had to go. The driver said, "Go to sleep for an hour and I'll wake you up." The boy sleeps for 2 hours and wakes up. He then asks, "Did I miss it? Did I miss it?" The driver tells him to go back to sleep for 2 hours and he should be right in time for the next gas station. So he sleeps but for 3 hours. When he wakes up he asks again, "Did I miss it? Did I miss it?" The driver says you were sleeping so soundly I didn't want to wake you up. "Go back to sleep and I'll wake you up at the next stop. So the boy sleeps for 4 hours and wakes up. He asks again "Did I miss it? Did I miss it?" The driver says, "We just passed it." The driver asks "What do you have to do #1 or #2?" The boy said #2. The driver said, "Go out that window." and points to the back. The boy pulls down his pants and does his duty. Meanwhile there are 2 men on the sidwalk. One of them says, "Did you see that tobacco wad?" The other says, "Yea! You should have seen the size of the lips it came out of."

Submitted by: Robert Hicks

One afternoon, little Lisa asked her mom if she could take her dog Suzie for a walk. "No darling you can't, because Suzie is in heat." Not understanding, Lisa asked, "What does in heat mean?" Little Lisa's mother not wanting to answer, sent Little Lisa to ask her dad who was in the garage. So Little Lisa asked her dad if she could take Suzie for a walk. "No", her dad replied, "Suzie is in heat". Again Little Lisa wanted to know what in heat meant. Her dad not wanting to answer, took some gasoline, and rubbed it onto Suzie's bottom, "There Lisa, now you can take Suzie for a walk!" About 10 minutes later, Little Lisa came back to the house without Suzie. "Where is Suzie!" Cried her mom and dad. "Oh don't worry", Lisa smiled, "Suzie broke from the leash and must of run out of gas, but luckily there's another dog pushing her home."

Submitted by: Unknown

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