As a survivor I find the hardest part of my healing is truly realizing that I was abused. Part of me knows that I was abused, how could I not, that is what this is all about. But, part of me still denies it. This story is an adventure, a journey to help one of my inner children come to terms with the knowledge she was abused. I write stories to help my inner children know they are loved and to nurture them. To give them a safe place to go to when things get rough. It is not always easy for me to remember to do all these things for my inner children when I am in pain, or going through flashbacks. I write the stories when I am feeling stronger, so I will have them to hang on to in times of need. The truths in this story were inspired by the wisdom of the First Nations People. The Medicine Cards developed by Jamie Sams and David Carson. Published by Bear and Co. Publishing 1988.

Help me to cry the tears of my heart.
Crystal tears laying on my heart.
Hear me my children.
It is safe to cry.
Let the tears of a lifetime flow.
Cleanse your souls of the sadness.
Grieve for your loss.
You have my permission.
Not enough you say.
What will it take I ask?
When will it happen?
Can we eventually decide?
Who holds the key to the pain?
Who holds the key to the tear gate?
Why did we close it?
Was it to protect ourselves?
Were tears dangerous?
Yes, they brought her anger!
She showed us how defenseless we were.
It’s not all though!
We stopped crying for another reason.
They served no purpose.
They brought with them great pain.
Is that where they all hide, in the tears?
Are the feelings in the tears?
Are the tears in the feelings?
Does it matter which?
Will we truly feel when we cry?
So many questions.
Questions we already have the answers for.
Long ago we cried because it hurt.
We cried, for the loneliness brought pain.
We cried because we were lonely with them
and were we were lonely with out them.
Then one day we learnt to cry only when we were alone.
Then even that stopped, what was the use?
          The key has been lost!
          How can I find it?
Who has it? It feels like one of you has it.
Time to open the gate.
Who among you has the key?
Libra has the key!
She does not believe!
She cannot see!
Her pain is so great!
She cannot see!

They met in a great circle. "I’ve called you here said the Great Oak to help open the gate. It is not just one gate we need to open, but it will be the start. The Great Tree shook it’s branches and acorns fell. The seeds of knowing. " One of these seeds holds the key. One of them will be able to find the way to open her heart. To help her see." The Great Oak looked around the circle and each one of Libra’s totems, her animals, her friends sat waiting for their time. The lynx took an acorn and sat back in the circle watching as each animal did the same; the bear and the eagle. The Great Oak threw an acorn to the whale and the dolphin. It spoke to the circle, "Each of you has a gift to give Libra, search your heart and you will find the gift. I will invite her here to the safety of the grove and you will be able to talk to her." Each animal returned to its home to ponder the words of the Oak. "You will need to throw down one more" said a small voice. "Yes my friend" the oak replied as she threw one down to the porcupine. "There is one for you too!"

Libra felt the call of the Oak. The beauty and wisdom in the voice. She also heard what it wanted and the pain started with the realization. "Have I really been holding back the tears?" she thought. " How could it be me? I want to cry don’t I? There are so many things I do not understand." The walk to the grove was familiar and the beauty of the forest soothed the pain.
Libra hugged the Great Oak, " I am here" she said. " But I still don’t understand what you expect me to do. I don’t think I hold the key to the gate. I don’t know who does." Libra looked up and sitting in the branches of the tree was the Eagle, majestic and grand. She flew down to stand beside Libra. "Libra I am here to show you how to balance the sky and the earth, your freedom will come from both realms. Climb on my back and we shall watch the earth realm from the sky." Libra climbed onto the back of the magnificent Eagle, as she spread her wings and took flight Libra watched her life unfold. Right from the start the pain was there. She saw herself left alone for hours in the crib, crying and no one came. Her mother ignored her cry. When she did come she was mean and angry. Then the scene would change and her mother would be caring and attentive, but only if others were around. Libra watched herself adapt to the loneliness by going inside to avoid the fear. As the months went by she found herself being thankful for the times alone, at least these moments were safe. Her father was wonderful he was gentle and spoke softly to her and she look forward to his being around, as he could distract her mother. Then the horror started, he woke her up at night and touched her. He took her places and did things to her she did not understand. Libra watched herself shut down, close up all the parts of herself she loved. It became harder to feel any joy, it felt dangerous to show her mother how she felt about things. But, she was only a little girl and sometimes she would forget, she would share her dreams with her mother . These times were always shocking, they hurt so much, her mother never understood, she always used the information to hurt Libra. Making the things she held in her heart seem so stupid, silly, wrong, or childish. No one seemed to notice she was a child and these were her special secrets that she held in her heart and kept her alive. Libra watched herself close up even more, put the pain away, hide how she felt. She watched as she even stopped crying when she was alone. Tears became dangerous and useless, they did no good. No one was there to explain to the little girl that tears were natural, healing and her friend. So she made them go away deep, deep inside, and over time she lost the key to let them back out. It was too much to watch, she had seen enough. " Take me home" she said to the Eagle. Landing in the grove, the Eagle stood in front of the Little Girl. "Hold on to me", the Eagle said, " Don’t make the pictures go away, it is important you look at them, hang on I will give you strength. Take this." he said as he dropped the acorn in her hand. " You are like the acorn, you hold all the knowledge of all that you are, with some care and love and water you will become the tall oak. Did you notice all during those times you were protected, you were not completely alone. You have many protectors Libra and even though we wanted to, we could not stop the abuse, we were there to help you survive, to comfort your soul, to help you understand you were never completely alone. You are special Libra, and you hold the seed of the Great Oak , but you need to water it. The seed needs to be watered by your tears.
Libra sat under the oak and felt her presence. She thought about what she had seen with the Eagle, she could not deny it anymore, it had really happened. Slowly the realization seeped into every part of her. Libra started to feel lonely and afraid, she felt the great tree at her back, but was starting to feel herself go away. The soft warm touch of fur brought her back. Before she opened her eyes she felt the rumbling and heard the purr. Opening her eyes her hand rested on the back of a beautiful lynx. "Don’t float away Libra.", he said, " your secrets are secrets no more, you now know them and I am here to help you understand those parts of you. Your power will come from the abuse. You are afraid it will take away from you, I want you to know it gives you as much as it seems to have taken. We can give you back your childhood in a sense, we can find your lost parts, and the result will be more, your personal power is enormous Libra you hold inside yourself an unlimited source of power." Libra looked at the lynx not really understanding all this talk about power. " I am just a little girl how can I have all this power?" she asked.
"Come for a walk with me." said the lynx. As they walked Libra found herself running and jumping with the lynx. The two of them lay on the moss covered rocks and watched the mice and squirrels feed. Libra stared up at the clouds and told the lynx of her dreams. "Your forest is beautiful, I would like to paint it. The moss on the trees, the sun on the leaves, and the beauty in it’s peace. The lynx smiled and took her through the seasons, winter’s cold where she saw how the animals survived as the forest seemed to fall asleep. It slept and yet it teamed with life. She watched as spring brought renewal back to the forest and summer passed as the animals tended their young. Autumn brought beautiful sunsets, and the animals prepared for winter. The lynx showed her the power in each living creature in the forest who struggled against all odds. Some survived and some did not, yet in the grand scheme of things there seemed to be a plan. Just like the Eagle said, " Trust, she would never know why her parents abused her, could she trust that out of such horror good would come? Libra whispered to the lynx lying beside her, "the Eagle was trying to show me to trust wasn’t he!" She was not really asking. As they started to walk again the lynx said, " Listen to the wise child inside, trust you will get the answers and understanding may come in the most amazing ways. First you need to realize what the secrets are telling you." The Lynx stopped and sat down. Libra realized they had walked back to the grove. She hugged the cat and touched the tuft on his ear. " Thank You " she said as he turned and ran into the trees. She look at her feet and there lay an acorn. Picking it up she sat underneath the tree and played with the 2 acorns in her hand. "What are the secrets telling me? They are telling me I was abused. A shock went through her. I was abused. They abused me. It happened to me. Not just Emma, Maggy and Maria, it happened to me too. I was sexually, emotionally and physically abused by my parents. She kept repeating it as if one of the sentences would finally help her understand it had really happened. As the realization sank deeper and deeper a feeling started to emerge, a feeling that was old and so awfully familiar. A feeling like there was something very wrong with her, if they did that to me something must be wrong with me."
              "Libra", the voice of ancient wisdom gently rang out.
"Libra, you were abused because there was something very wrong with the people in your life not because there was something wrong with you. I know this, for it is the truth. You must also know this." The Great Oak bent one of her branches to touch the little girls face. Libra stood and hugged the tree. She could not say anything, she did listen though and she put the words in a safe place in her heart. In a golden box lined with Violet silk. " That way I can find them when I need them." she thought. Libra let go of the tree, as she did an acorn fell from a branch, as she bent down to pick it up a small paw picked up the acorn first. Libra was face to face with a porcupine. "Hello Libra.", it said. " Come, I want you to see something. They walked to a wooded area where a pack of porcupines were playing. The little cubs were playing with clumps of moss. They would throw them up in the air and catch them, rolling on the grass. One of the little porcupines was slower and quieter than the rest. The other were making sure she was not left behind as they ran through the logs. "Do you see that little one there?" asked her companion. "Yes." ,said Libra, "the others seem to be taking good care of her." "She is their adopted sister, her parents threw her out, they left her behind to die."
"Why?" asked Libra.
"We do not know. She thinks something is wrong with her, that it is her fault her parents were so cruel." "How could it be her fault?" Libra asked. "She is so little, she is just a little cub, what could she have possibly done to make her parents treat her so badly? She could not do anything. Parents are supposed to take care of their kids. It’s not her fault, they are horrible parents." Libra stopped talking as one of the other porcupines fell off the log and the little porcupine went over to help. "She is very loving , just because her parents threw her out does not mean there is something is wrong with her.
" Libra sat down on the grass.
"She has to realize that Libra.", said her gentle companion.
We can help her to see that, but she has to believe it. Just because something awful happens to you does not mean you are awful. I have been trying to tell her to reach inside for those parts of herself she has hidden away and let them out again. She is safe now, no one will hurt her again, so she can touch those special parts again. She can create, cry, make noise, have a voice, do all the things her parents worked so hard at chasing away. Now she can do that because she is in a safe and supportive place. We will love her and never abandon her.
" Libra looked at the porcupine. " You are not just talking about the little one there are you."
"No, I am talking to both of you. Libra just because something awful happened to you does not mean you are awful. Does that little cub look awful to you?"
"No." Libra replied, "She looks the same as the rest of her playmates.
"And it is the same with you Libra." said the porcupine. "Find the child in you, the child before the abuse and let her be free again. Listen to her Libra she holds all that is dear to you. She is not so far away, when I look at you I see her. She is beautiful and there is so much inside her that is lovable" the porcupine held out her paw and Libra took the acorn from it.
Libra held it in her hand for a moment and walked over to the little porcupine and held out the acorn. She said, " This is for you because you are special." The little porcupine took it and rolled on the grass hugging the acorn to her tummy.
Libra laughed and as she did the sadness touched her heart. She walked out of the porcupine’s grove wondering why laughter made her feel sad, she also felt sad when she felt love for anyone. Why was the pain in her always so close to the other emotions she felt? She found herself walking towards the sea watching the waves rolling against the rocks. The smell of the salt water and sounds of the sea filled her with a sense of being free. She spread her arms and twirled on the sand. Opening her eyes she looked around, feeling small yet strong. The wind cleared her mind, the pain was still in her heart, but she knew the pain was trying to tell her something. The pain holds secrets, the ones I don’t know about, the ones I am afraid of and the ones I am ashamed of. She spread her arms again and said to the wind " Help me to let them all go, let go of all my secrets. Help me to tell them to myself and to face them." Libra opened her eyes and high above her the eagle wings spread soared on the wind. She closed her eyes and imagined she was an Eagle high above the beach. She caught a glimpse of herself far below, she could see the pain in her heart, the sorrow, the awful feeling of loss, of something not being right. Underneath all the pain was a vast pool of water, and like the ocean it sparkled with salt. Libra knew she had found her tears, they had not dried up, they were no longer lost. She opened her eyes and put her hand to her heart. She had found them. A deep pool, she could not see into it’s depths, but knew it held parts of her that she has not yet touched. She opened her eyes when she felt the ocean spray on her face and watched the waves lap against the rocky shore. She walked barefoot on the sand feeling the freedom of the ocean, hearing the cry of the gulls. She heard the dolphin before she saw him, large and gray, he danced in the water calling to her.
"Come swim with me Libra." He glided to shore on a wave and with Libra on his back swam out to sea. They rode the waves and the wind felt cool and free on Libra’s face. They swam on into the night and as the stars filled the sky he dropped Libra off on a tiny island. In the middle of the atoll stood an oasis of trees. Libra sat and ate a banana as she watched the Dolphin swim and dive. She marveled at it’s ability to stay under the water for so long. Libra felt her heart ease as she watched him play. She felt herself become the dolphin, holding her breath as she dove under the water, surfacing, blowing the air out her blow hole, breath and dive again. The two dolphins dove and swam together, up and down, such a sense of freedom. As they swam the dolphin said to her, " Feel your heart Libra, open your heart. Let the water comfort your soul. It is time to let the feelings out, to free the pain in your heart. Water it with your tears and it will float up to the surface. You are ready, you have reached the ocean shore and it is your ocean, your tears. Feel them in your heart as an ocean, use your breath to enter the tears and emerge again. The great waves have been breaking down the armor, it’s time.

Swim in the ocean of your tears, through the fear to the other side. The ocean is life and your tears are your healing."

Libra swam with the dolphin and he taught her how to breath and they laughed together as they played. When they were done she curled up on the island and she slept. Dreaming of pools of tears gently breaking down the guards around her heart. As each wave hit the armor it crumbled at little slowly leaving her open and free at last. The tears continued to lap against her heart and with each successive wave she felt the freedom of swimming in the ocean.

She was back in the grove when she woke in the morning. She sat under the Great Oak and watched the last of the dew dry in the morning sun. She pondered her adventure with the dolphin. Could she just suddenly open her heart, feel her emotions and cry. No, maybe not, but she saw that it was possible and the ocean of tears would not drown her, she would swim safely through them for they were her healing.

Libra closed her eyes and saw her ocean of tears. Sitting at the shore she touched the tears and placing her feel in the warm salty water she spent some time getting to know them. "I don’t want to lose you again." she said to them, "help me to understand."

"Hear the song of your tears Libra for it is your voice. Hear the message the tears hold and you will know your story. Let their song resonate from your heart as your voice. A voice that sings in words, and pictures. Find that voice and your story will be a mystery no longer." The voice was large, and very old. Libra looked out over the ocean of tears to see a whale swimming towards her.

"I know you", she said to the whale.

"Yes" came the reply. "We have sung together many times before, and we will sing together again. I hold the secrets of the past, and as you need them they will be there for you. Libra watched as the whale dove into the depths of the ocean and she heard his song. Looking down she watched as it floated towards her and reached out to scoop the acorn from the water.

Smiling she headed back to the grove, walking slowly, thinking about what each of her friends had told her. I seemed like a long walk back to the grove. "Our friends had many good things to tell you little one, but the weight of their words sits heavily on your shoulders." Libra liked the sound of his voice and looked up to see a very large reddish brown bear sitting at the side of the path. His smile was warm and gentle and he had a twinkle in his eyes. "You look tired Libra, come with me and we shall sleep on all this wisdom.

" She took his paw and it was soft and warm, she could feel the calmness radiating from him as they silently walked to his cave. She entered the cave and it was warm and inviting, not what she was expecting at all. The bear offered her some berries, she sat beside him and they ate. When they were done she snuggled up against his warm tummy and they sat together. His warmth was soothing and engulfed her in a safe feeling of contentment as she drifted off to sleep. The stars twinkled above them, Libra and the bear sat on the top of the snow covered mountain. The silence was so powerful Libra heard the sound of the stars, no voices crying in fear from inside her. "Listen! Libra you are in the dream world, let your dreams talk to you. Our friends have shown you many things, and your dreams will help you to understand. Let their words work inside you in that part that understands all things. Your answers are here and they are a part of you now and always.

" Libra stood at the foot of the mountain, closed her eyes and the stars filled her mind. Opening her eyes she walked back to the grove, the oak tree stood majestic and familiar under the stars. She placed her hand on the tree, closed her eyes and wished. "I need your strength, guidance and love. I feel like I know you, I wish you were with me always. I love you great oak. Thank you.

" She stood looking at the stars, feeling a hand on her shoulder she looked around and realized the tree was gone, in it’s place stood a lady. "I know you." said Libra. I feel like you are a part of me." The lady smiled, " I am a part of you, I am wisdom, and I am comfort.." The lady reached out for Libra’s hand, " I am always here and have always been here. " I am in the stories you write and the pictures you will make. I am different things to different parts of you. You only have to feel inside and you will feel me. Come Libra we have one last thing to do. The two of them walked together back to where the great oak had stood. Libra reached into her pocked and pulled out the last acorn. They made a hole in the earth and Libra dropped the acorn in. As they packed the earth around the seed the lady smiled at her. Libra reached inside herself and called to her ocean of tears. Slowly her tears fell on the fresh earth watering the precious seed. They stood up and the lady held her hand out to Libra, as the two of them walked towards the edge of the grove, Libra looked back to see a green sprout poking through the earth. She felt the strength in the hand of the lady who walked beside her and knew she would need all she had been given for the next part of her journey. A journey she did not have to embark on alone.

Diane Auld © 1997