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| To the woman being abused by her husband, Please don't dispair. You can get help by calling a women's shelter near you. They can help you leave your husband in a planned and safe way that helps you ensure an income and to keep your kids. Those fears are what keeps women in a bad situation, shelters are there to help you and your kids. Please call them. |
| This wall seems to be about being molested, and I never was, but I identify with this more than the spousal abuse message boards. I feel like I want to die. I hate myself. I don't think I'm ever going to be okay again. I don't think I can leave. I'm disabled, and my husband makes the money. I'll be homeless, and childrens services will take my kids away from me if I leave him. But he does not love me. He says he does, but he doesn't. He doesn't hear me. He doesn't see me, and he beat me up again today. I just want to die. I know I can't, for the same reason I can't leave him. My kids need me. But this pain in my heart area is making it difficult for me to be a good mother anyway. I just want to die. |
| I went through abuse from the time I was 9 until I was 13 years old. It started as molestation and then progressed to incest. My step-father is the offender. He molested my oldest sister too. She is 39 yrs old now. She was 16 when it started. His best friend introduced her to crack cocaine. Well into her twenties, she had sex with my step-dad b/c he gave her money for drugs. He also tried to molest my other sisters. She was bold though. She fought him and told the authorities. However, they didn't believe her. I was 9 when this happened. I could have been a witness for her but I was too afraid. I finally told my mother what happened at 20 yrs old. I saw my mother have a flashback right in front of my eyes. Later in 2005, she confessed that she was raped by her father when she was 9 years old. Her mother didn't believe her either. This country is sick. How can they allow something like this to happen to so many children. I am deciding at 27 years old, that I will break the silence. I have a baby on the way and I will make sure nothing like this happens to them. ibkonly@yahoo.com |
| I do not understand how some people in this world can be so crule and heartless. My abuse started when I was four and continued on for three years. I only wish that I had told someone when it was happening. I kept my secret for almost a decade and never told a single soal. I was too scared and consumed with fear to tell anyone. Finaly at age fourteen I told my darkest secret any I felt like my world was being riped into pieces. It took three years before we had a trial date and the trial itself was only suppost to be one or two days.It ended up lasting an entire week. And then just to put the icing on the cake they found him not guilty! NOT GUILTY!! I felt like my entire life had once again fallen appart. So now a year later I am finally able to talk openly about what happened to me. My experience with the court system was horrible, but I don't want that to influence anyone thinking about reporting their abuse. As bitter as I am about the man getting awaly with wh! at he did I am glad that I told someone. If I hadn't told anyone and then later found out that he had done this to another little girl I would feel so asshamed tha i couldn't speak up and save someone else from the awful thing that i went through. I am now eighteen years old and headed to college still trying to heal from this and no longer be a victim. tonyfan162@gmail.com |
| May 2007 My own father sexually molested me for years starting around age 13. The first time I was swimming in our pool and afterwards went in my room to change into some clothes. I was naked and my father walked in. I quickly covered up and told him to get out. That was the last time I talked back to my father. He came right up to me and told me to listen very carefully to him. He yelled that he demanded my respect and would never be ordered something in his own house. Afterwards I was shaken, I've never seen my father like that. He told me to get dressed and come to his room. I did as I was told and my father said he must punish me for talking back to him. He put me over his knee and spanked me. After this I was crying, just saying I was sorry over and over. He took me and held me. While he held me he whispered in my ear that he loved me very much and didn't like it that I covered up my body when I was naked. He said that he owned my body and would see it if he pleased, ! and do to it as he pleased. He told me to stand up and take off my clothes for him, so he could see what I was hiding. I again did as I was told because I knew what would happen if I disobeyed him. He stared at my body for a minute and said he understood why I covered myself up. He said I was developing into a beautiful young woman. He stood up and put his hands on me and started fondling my breasts. He asked me who do these boobs belong to. I said that they belonged to him. He was very happy to hear that, and continued to fondle them until my brother drove up a few minutes later. He said to put my clothes back on and not to tell anyone what happened today, or he would have to show my older brothers my body. After that incident, my father would touch me every time I was alone with him. He made me sit on his lap (even though I was taller almost taller than him). Almost every day he would get me alone. If he only had a couple minutes, he would just fondle my breasts. If he had me alone for at least fifteen minutes, he would end up fingering me. If he had me alone for a long time, all my clothes would come off and he would perform oral sex on me. My father would shower with me if he had the chance. When I was 14, my mom was out of town for a night. My father took me into his bed and I lost my virginity to him that night. I think my mom knew something was going on, but she also was afraid to upset my father. One of my brothers saw me naked in the bathroom once with my father, but he just acted like nothing happened. I never told a soul what happened to me from the ages of 13 to 18. I was too afraid. I now am 26 years old, trying to heal from my past experiences. |
| May 2007 - I am sorry. I am sorry for not saying anything when I witnessed abuse. I had seen my dad molest my sister. She was only 12 the first time. I saw his hands all over her body while she was standing next to him. On a camping trip I saw him take her into the camper and come out about 15 minutes later, she was tucking in her shirt. At the dinner table, I dropped my fork under the table, I went to pick it up and saw my dad's hand rubbing my sister's leg-she had a skirt on. So many of these little things happened. These are things I just ignored, didn't think twice about till later. Later when I was sitting in the living room, my dad didn't know I was home because the lights were off-I was taking a nap. I saw him go up to my sister and start rubbing her back under her shirt while she was doing the dishes. He did that for a few minutes and then tapped her bottom and said the craziest thing I have ever heard. "Its time for me to give you your bath Sweetie." He took her by the hand and led her in the bathroom. She was 14 years old. A fourteen year old doesn't need a bath from her dad. That is when all the things I had seen came together. It all made sense. I went outside and looked through a crack in the window blind. I saw the most disheartening thing I have ever seen. My dad was naked in the tub with my sister on top of him-naked. I watched him molest her in unthinkable ways. I never felt so bad in all my life. Now what do I do-turn my own dad in or let my sister continue to be abused. I already let it happen for at least 2 years. When my mother came home from her meeting I told her everything I saw. She ended up getting my dad to confess and he went to prison. Turns out my dad bathed and molested my sister every week for 2 years when my mom was gone at her weekly meeting. I don't know why I couldn't put it all together right away. I could of helped my sister and even my dad by asking questions when I saw the signs. I am sorry survivors-for not helping sooner. |
| December 26th, 2006 I have started therapy in July of 2006 and I am having a really tough time talking about the sexual abuse I have endured. It is very difficult for me to even accept that it ever happened. I try to avoid discussing it but I know that I need to. It is so difficult to have the words pass through my lips. I hoping that I will be able to get some words of encouragement or suggestions on how to handle this. I am so afraid and I feel that way all the time. I am having trouble fully trusting my therapist. I have trouble trusting anyone. arcoiris1@aol.com | I have been molested by several relatives starting at 9 or 10. I can't remember the exact time when it started. My mom is still living with one of the molestor. Not only she knows about the molestation but she blamed me for it. Now she tells me that I should just forgive and forget. They live 30 minutes away from me and my family. Now I'm 36 years old married and have 2 boys. Although I love my two boys more than anything and I love my husband, I hate my life. I just want to die I have been in a therapy more than 10 years Recently, I started EMDR (therapy gear toward PTSD). It is bring a lot of disgusting memories. I just want to die It's not the memeory that bothers me so much. It's that I feel so alone. Even my mom who supposely love you don't care or understand the sickness of what they have done. I hate them but I hate myself more being this way. I hate this darkness and I just want to die. I feel ashamed and guilt for saying that because my boys are 3 and 6 years old and they don't deserve a sick mother nor death mother. |
| December 26th, 2006 I have started therapy in July of 2006 and I am having a really tough time talking about the sexual abuse I have endured. It is very difficult for me to even accept that it ever happened. I try to avoid discussing it but I know that I need to. It is so difficult to have the words pass through my lips. I hoping that I will be able to get some words of encouragement or suggestions on how to handle this. I am so afraid and I feel that way all the time. I am having trouble fully trusting my therapist. I have trouble trusting anyone. arcoiris1@aol.com |
| December 26th, 2006 Hi - I'm Andrew - and here's my story. Although I'm 40 today I still look back and think about a stranger who touched me when I was 11. I had been fishing in a small village creek and came up to the road. A guy in a green truck saw me and asked "Hey, I'm new here. Can you show me around?" Raised in the country I said "sure"... thinking that he meant 'show him around the village' which I was only more than happy to do. I mean I was raised in a family where we were trained to be helpful. But once I got into that man's truck, he drove about 500 feet and started asking strange questions: "Do you get hard often?" "Do you have pubic hair?" I started getting uptight because I did not understand the questions. Why would someone ask me this? As he kept driving he drove away from the village about two miles before he said he wanted to park. Two things i will add to keep the details minimized. To this day, no matter the women i date, I don't know why but any rubbing from a female that is meant as a sexual come on, it totally disgusts me and turns me off. I wish i could have found an attractive female years ago that would have had sex with me. But life isn't like that for those who live in shame. As well, after the incident I remember getting out of that green truck and reading the license plate "555 ___" and going home on my bike, lifting up the telephone receiver to make a "911" call, and what do you think went through my mind? I only could think about what my dad would say, or my friends at school would say, and I felt shame. And the worst thing I did was put the telephone receiver down, not make the call and bury the pain. If any of you have kids always be the "go-to" person. As much as it is possible try not to criticize you kid for those stupid things you don't feel he measures up to. It might be that he could use a stronger shoulder to lean on on some weird day when something strange happens and he just does not know how to express it. God bless you for reading this and sharing some of my pain. Andrew go_the_distance@hotmail.com |
| December 26th, 2006 I do not know who I am or where I come from A web of secrecy and lies has been woven around my existence. Mother, father, and now my siblings are still keeping it going to this day, I am now 51 years old. I am desperate to know the truth!! I have had all my in-care-files from the various authorities, there should be 16 years worth of reports about me. At least half of it is missing! I have been told several different stories by the Data Protection staff at the authority involved! It is quite clear and obvious to me that not only has information been removed but information has also been added which I can prove are down-right-lies!! Also a lot of information which is quite clearly about me has been censored!! I have been to look at my medical records 3 times, every thing pre 1984 has disapeared!! My doctor at the time pointed out to me that some thing had been ripped out from the back and front inside covers of my file. The glue marks were clearly visible!! In 1962 mother, possibly father too dumped me and my 3 siblings for the last time back into care. Then when I was about 10 or 11 years old mother requested that I be allowed to go and visit her at weekends at her flat. She was'nt bothered about me before then. I now realise that the only reason mother wanted me to visit her was so that she could fill my head with lies and mis-information! Father, and mother both say that I am not their real child. In 1995 mother told me that she had abducted me from my pram in Victoria Station in London! I have not been able to confirm this. But at the same time I have also been told all my life a story about how I was supposed to have been 3 months premature at birth and lucky to have survived!! This is one BIG LIE, and has caused me so much agony and confusion!! I have been in contact with the hospital where I was supposed to have been born and have been given the information that proves this to be a lie. Why would anyone tell their child such a lie like this?? There is only one reason that I can think of, and that is to cover up my poor state of health both mentaly and phsicaly at the time when I was dumped into care!! My own true memories start the day I was dumped into that childrens home. I was according to my in-care-files 7 years old and it was autum 1962. I was seriously under-nourished and so very thin, with added eating problems. I can remember the pain of eating!! I can remember being force fed on a daily basis for months, malt- extract from a big metal tin and raw eggs, they were trying to "b! uild me up"!! I also had and still have an horrendous mental health problem. A social worker writes in my file that "there is a deep sadness about her and she hardly ever speaks." From what I remember and from what I have read in my files it is quite clear to me that the social workers knew I had an emotional problem, yet no one did anything to help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another lie is the one where me and my sister who is only 2 years older than me were supposed to have gone down with appendicitis both at the very same time, we were rushed to hospital and both had our appendix removed. Apparently it was 1959, I was 4 years old and we were living in a displaced persons camp in Schalding, Germany. I have since have been told by several doctors/consultants over the years that in their opinion this 7 inch long scar that I have is not in the right place to be an appendectomy!! I have every reason to believe that I still have my appendix!! I am going to have to pay hundreds of pounds to have a CT Scan to find out for sure if my appendix are still there, at least then I will have it in black and white. When ever I have asked questions about my scar and the events surrounding my operation mother either changes the subject or tells me yet another version of the story!! My eldest so called sister just falls silent and will not answere any questions about my operation, and in fact I have it in black and white in the form of e-mails she has sent me prove of the continuos stream of mis information and lies!!! She is protecting mother and I know that no matter what I say or do they will never tell me the truth about what they did to me or about who I am. What I have written above is just the tip of the iceberg!! I have spent my whole life in total confusion, because there is nothing consistent about any thing I have been told by anyone. I have lived my whole life in fear, fear of those who call themselves my family!! I dont know how it happened but I grew up knowing to fear them, knowing not to ask questions. I know some thing horrendous was done to me when I was just a small child and I know that it was done over time and now I am still suffering the consequences of the abuse, and the neglect!! I want an end to it, but who will listen to me? I have had counseling, I have tried to talk to various psychiatrists, but nothing works! I just want to know the truth about who I am and where I come from, but all anyone ever says to me is that I should stop looking back and get on with my life, but how can I? My life is nothing without the truth!!!! Is there anyone out there who knows of any good solicitors or private investigators who could help me sort out this complicated mess that is my life??? thanks for any help that any one can give me. truth finder vwarzecha@hotmail.co.uk |
| December 25th, 2006 Hi everyone I am new here... When I was about 7 years old my elder brother and his friend took me aside one day and told me how marriage takes place......then they practised it on me and made me do oral sex on them....at that time i was afraid and confused......however now when i think i might have been just blank and just did whatever they asked me to do............... at that time i had a female friend whom i used to meet everyday.....they wanted me to involve her....but i refused coz i was afraid about her telling anyone and i got pretty scared...... this continued for some time and then maybe they bored...and stopped playing with me...however his friend abused me later on around 8 years later on on 2 occasion..... during the time of my abuse another older guy tookme to some trees and abused me once after the first occasion i just became like a slave and did whatever they made me do..............the older guy who was not connected to them also just did in a normal way... what i realize now is that after the first abuse...something happened in me which made me kind of slave easy submissible in every way and occasion....now its like the auto protect /auto resist button has been shut off..... i mean now in every situation people take advantage of me and many times i knowingly allow them...its like something has changed me.......and i feel bad if i say or resist anything .......... after that incident i totally shut myself off from other people especially my female friend at that time...i was afraid i would be exposed if i interact with people .........even if i interacted it was not like it should be..... it was and is half heartedly and kind of fake......my mother was also a big influence...she is very strict and dominant .......after that i could not find a single boy who would fit her criteria of my friend.......she usedto tell me talk to only those boys who stand first in exams...i used to stand 1st every time and so i didnot talk to anyone.......i still do not have friends......there are friends like people i interact with in a certain sitaution but after that i don't have communication wit hany one.... apart from that my brother married a girl my parents never liked and so now i am not allowed to talk to any girl.....you can understand how it is........now she wants me to marry the girl she likes only and not to even talk with anyone........she has told me about some girls and asked me talk to them but its like my button of talking to girls was turned off in childhoon and i am unable even to say hello to girls...... apart from that i just hate my brother so much i am always cursing him....... i have been to psychologist and it has helped me a lot but for reasons belowi do not want togo........ i talked to my brother some months back and he took it so lightly and even had the courage to tell my parents who did mentioned it tome but once when i was talking to my brother told me to forgive anything that might have happened in childhood after the incident i started having bed wetting problems at night which finished when i was around 17 and i was touching my genitals in class a lot...... my studies and performance went up and down always..... i am always afraid of limelight and exposing my self..... my doctor tells me i am full of anger and hatred and so a small incident overflows me so i cannot contain anger and i go hyper about small things...... i do not haveany friends people donot want to talk t ome...... the things that happened seem so buried in me like they area part ofme....i cannot throw them out or express my anger to my brother or just say bad things or confront him in person.... i am always pessimistic with myself...once i thought if i go through that experience i will just reverse it and go back the wonderful and happy life i once had ....i gave myself to a gay but it was so horrible that i repented it........ i feel so angry why is it me.....my brother is enjoyng life...he is leas t bothered and people all over do so many bad things but nothing happends to them...i did not do anything bad and my life was ruined and the only option to me is forgive him like nothing happens.....i stopped going to my doctor was i told her i wanted to have sex with her......i felt that by doing so she would take everything out of meand i would be free again.....she just asked me to stop these thoughts. my doctor has asked me write and express my anger towards my brother but i havebeen unable to that...i mean when i sit and think ofwriting i feel scared and not a word comes to my mind i feel that if i find a girl who is pure a small child or someone very clean i will transfer my curse to her. i am 28 now.... i feel threatened by most guys....the bigger or stronger a guy is i feel weak...... i feel men harassing me like i feel the barbers touch me in wrong ways and like that... the reason i am scared of my mother and secondly i am unable to break away from my experience an ideal situation would be to find some place wheren i can write everythng i want to or say anything and so that this thing will just go out without making me exposed and vulnerable..it seems like a curse to me.. Posted by: guyinlahore@yahoo.com |
| December 22nd, 2006 i am only 13-years-old but i live with my 18-year-old cousin and her boyfriend so me and my BF were going out and got home and things went a little crazy we had sex now im 8 months pregnant with a baby girl and am going to keep it my BF is thrilled about being a father and wants to have more after this one should i? Signed: cutiepie |
| December 8th, 2006 Here I am another "tainted" soul amongst a sea of darkness and despair. Am I the only one that feels lost and directionless at times, wondering what is causing such deep sorrow that you are sickened by the words you say to others that you love. Being abused is something I try to push out my system....push it way deep so deep that I don't wanna even be associated with it. Will I ever heal? I don't think so. Being 28 you think by now I would be able to be more positive and forgiving in my life. I have tried to forgive the B^^^^^^D that did this to me but how can I when I keep denying the fact it happened....please help... FreeSpirit |
| November 18th, 2006 I find myself so drawn to these sites... I grew up in a home where physical, verbal, and emotional abuse was 'normal'. It killed me inside, and no one helped. I have been in therapy for ten years. A few years ago I confronted my father about his physical abuse, and he apologized, which at the time, was what I thought I needed to help me heal - although it did help at the time... When I decided to work now on what was making me "tick", as I was still experiencing a lot of pain, and was in a place in myself in which everyday, I fought not to hurt or kill myself, I thought that now I needed to deal with just me, what all this abuse did to me. What I didn't see coming were the shadows of memories that started to appear. And then I had my first memory; having been kidnapped, raped, and held at gunpoint when I was fifteen years old. Something that I had forgotten. Not completely, I don't think, but enough not to be conscious of the memory. My older cousin took me to a bar, dressed me up, and fed me alcohol. On the way out of the bar, a man who had been trying to get me on his lap in the bar, opened the door to the car he was now sitting in with his friend, pulled me in, locked the doors, threw a pill down my throat and took off with me in the car. Looking back now, I'm kind of glad I was drugged because I only remember fuzzy moments of being raped. After I came out of it, he tried to get on top of me again, but fearing being awake for it, I told him my age. Hearing this, he became very distraught and pulled out a gun. He told me that he was not going to jail for for 'having sex' with a minor and that he was going to kill me and put me in a dumpster. I just started talking and talking, and I don't know how I did it, but I was able to convince him that I would never tell anyone and that he would most certainly be caught if he killed me because my family would look for me and people had seen me at the bar with him. Somehow this made sense to him and he let me call the family I was visiting to come and get me. I made up a lie, and my relatives were more than happy to believe me, as it then became my fault, and relieved them of their fear of my father. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and I told my aunt, who was very special to me. She broke my heart when she told me just to forget about it, that it was over. I even knew then, she didn't want to get involved, or especially to have to tell my father that I was raped under her care. I was devastated. And when I returned home, the thought of telling my parents didn't even enter my mind. It was if I knew it was not at all a possibilty. My mother was in such deep denial of my pain already, I had already written her off as being any kind of support. As I got through that memory and called all the people I needed to call including my aunt, something bothered me. I recalled that as I was being driven away by those men, as I was slumping over, as the drugs were taking effect, I remembered thinking that this was God's answer to help me escape from what my father and I were doing. And then, I had to ask myself, what did that mean? And slowly, I started to remember these "dream-like" memories of being an eight year old girl and being raped in the bathroom in our house by my father - but it's fuzzy and I still feel uncertain. I remembered vividly being caught by him earlier that day while I was kissing the girl across the street (because her mother called him to come and stop me) and then being walked back to the house by him, and then being in the bathroom, and then this event. Then, I remembered sitting in the 'playroom' of our house after this traumatic event, and walking in thinking, "These toys don't mean anything to me anymore. That's so sad." And also, thinking to myself, "Nothing will ever be the same". I then I 'reacalled' him coming into the playroom and showing me a gun, telling me if I ever told, he would have to use it on me, my mother, and my sister. I then remember thinking, "Life is not worth living. He has stolen everything from me. I'ts so sad, now I can't ev en be close with my sister, or anyone, because inside, I'm dead." We moved to a new house shortly after that, and I don't really remember the next few years. But I have more "dream-like" memories of it happening again a few times in my bedroom late at night when I was thirteen to about fifteen. Those are just flashes, and I am totally disconnected from any feelings about them. The images I remember seem so far away from me, and like a dream. When I think about it, I only feel anger and terror, but mixed with that - and this makes me feel enraged - this sympathy for him and this maddening reflex to protect him. My father was the master at getting people to feel sorry for him, and then continue his abusive behavior. I 'recalled' a night where he came into my room, after I had returned home from my aunt's house where I had been raped by those men - where I think I thought if I got help about the rape, I could then get help with what was happening at home, and when that didn't happen, I just became bitter - and when he opened my door, I recall remembering lifting my head looking at him and sternly saying, "No." And he never returned again. I am 38 years old, and although these "fuzzy memories" have come up before in my life, I have always dismissed them. I don't know who I am. I created a personae to survive, and now, it feels like a cage. And yet with all of these memories, I still doubt myself. And the confusion, doubt, and fear of being 'wrong' is killing me. I still say maybe I'm making this up. I know the terror I feel about what it would do to my family, my "show" self image - which is all I have known of my self, and having to admit it is terrifying. I have to free myself. I just need to break through this cloud I found myself in thirty years ago and still am in today. I just feel like I don't know how. How do you do it? How do you let go of the fantasy you create of your family? The lies they teach you about them and yourself, to protect themelves from themselves? How do you come out of the "trance" you find yourself having lived in for thirty years and feel what it feels like to be alive? How do you decied you're worth it? I am trying all kinds of things: therapy, books, maybe a group, etc. to help me move through this cloud to get to myself. I am afraid to get close to anyone. I was always very social, but have now isolated myself. I live alone and have never been married. I feel like I'm dying inside, but busting inside to get out and live. I am exhausted, and yet feel so driven to 'get to the bottom of this' - I 'have to'. I want my life back....Sunshine |
| October 20th I too was abuse as a child and I told no one for many years. As a adult I married a man that had been abused as a child I believe he would never hurt me. Slowly he did abuse me and then he abuse our child. I walked out and fought to rebuild our lives. My worst nightmare came true the lession I learned was that the system is not outfor the victoms. They are out there to prevent the abuse from ever happening again. I learned to believe in myself and I learned to empower my child. We now have learned to walk past the hurt. The abusers will never have control over us again. If you are reading this I want you to know I wish you the best. Post signed: From Broken and beaten to whole and a winner |
| September 19th, 2006 I'm 35 but I feel like I'm 15. :) I was sexually abused from 2-10 by my uncle who lived with us. He was a teenager at the time. I have had all kinds of therapy and have been on and off antidepressants for years, but I still don't feel better. I have a terrible time maintaining and cultivating relationships, I have no friends. My husband is very caring and understanding. I can't forgive my parents, because I just can't believe that they didn't know. I battle depression every day. I have a daughter who is 8 now and with each year that she gets older, I remember things from when I was that age.. seeing her is like looking at myself. I am very overprotective of her because I would just die if she had to endure a tenth of what I did. What I want to know is.. is it too late to report this abuse to the police in the state where it occurred? No one ever reported it, and I am sick with guilt because I don't know if he's out there hurting other children. I just want to stop him so he can't hurt anyone anymore. I am so stuck, I am so hurt, I have a good life from all outward appearances, but inside I feel sick all the time. goldie goldiesboutique@aol.com |
| September 19th, 2006 he tried to silence me , he tried to make it look like it was my fault, he tried with so many other girls the thing was i spoke out and stopped it. 7 months ago tonight he took my life as i knew it and tipped my whole world upside down but i am still surviving. The best thing we as survivors can do is just keep on surving , don't give up - find that urge inside you that bit of you that is so angry about what they did to you and use that not to hurt other people but to fuel your will to live and fight. You will get through this You are so strong my sisters for even surviving the event ... bella |
| August 19th, 2006 As she was headed for the door, click, echoes the sound of the lights flicking off. It was pitch black and all she could hear was the beating of her heart. She was completely separated and alone. Just keep your eyes down, she thought. He approached the door smoothly placing his hand over the lock. She fixated her self to a picture on the wall. That was me, and my mentor at a convention, he stated. He approached slowly, but hesitantly, placing his hands to caress her hair. You are beautiful, he said in a lustful voice. Thank you, she replied in a quivering tone as her eyes were immersed on his. She was unable to react to his desire, but just stood in distress. Thump, thump, as the hammering on the door got louder. He then looked intensely into her eyes before he was persuaded away to the door. Not here not know, come on, what are you thinking, yelled another man who was positioned at the doorway. Come on, as he sighed, then forcefully placing his hand around her arm, lets go, as she was guided out of the room. Heart broken and stricken with grief, depression came over me as I heard the words of my youth pastor T say, "I think it would be a good idea if you were to attend another church.” As I sat pondering on what he said nights before, "J, I am going to start to kick out all the bad seeds from the church". Which he never did explain to me why? All I wanted to do was cry, but I did what I new best, rebelled again, against him and the church. I then started to grow further and further away from God and trust. I knew he did not want me to hang with Ma. Another girl who attended the church, who was a bad influence and a compulsive liar. Months went buy, and my biggest fear approached. T was leaving, moving away, abandoned yet by another friend whom I loved so dearly. The sadness look upon the youths face as he was driving off in a bus headed towards G. As T placed his hand upon the window, saying a silent goodbye to us all, who again felt alone and abandoned. I grew closer to Ma as the empty days passed that T was no longer with us. Then I reminded myself what he left. He left me thoughts, to be strong and carry on and press in to the good fight, don’t let there be a battle you won’t fight, as I hear his words echoing throughout my mind. So I did, I decided to attend another church in the Boston area. It was late, but the church doors were still open. As my friend and I arrived in the parking lot, we decided to go in, it was new members night. As I remember sitting in the church seats listening to this man preach, I thought to myself he was funny, like T use to be. As the night progressed, the end of the sermon was near. Pastor was his name, as I heard him state right before the sermon was over. He then approached mand I and asked if he could take our picture, I replied, "why", and he stated that it was routine to take new members pictures, so they could get to know us. So we accepted and he took our pictures. As we where leaving the church, Pastor approached me and gave me his card, with his number on the back, saying if I ever needed his help, to call. I then walked away, thinking that I had another Christian in my life that could help in times of need. Days went by and my mother was drinking heavily again so I decided to call Pastor. He said that he would meet me in, so we could converse together. Pastor was a good listener and had great advice. We spent lots of time together. I thought I was lucky to find another friend like T was. Months went by and this particular night I will not forget, after Pastor and I went out to eat, he dropped me off at my house and as I was getting out of the car he reached over and tried to kiss me, I was in shock and ran into my house crying, he must of called 20 times that night, denying his intentions. Until I finally picked up the phone to tell him also that I wanted to kiss him. How I wish I never said that, but I was desperate for a friend and someone who cared. I thought if I kissed him we would remain friends and that was all the relationship would be. It was for a while, until he did little things like place his hand on my leg in church and isolated me from others, so I would not tell – his secret. I tried but all I heard was what a great guy Pastor was. I then introduced to Pastor as we went to his house to watch TV. I should of known, but I was young and naive. He asked if we have ever watched porno’s before, and I just looked at each other in surprise, replying, “no way”. He then went to say if you switch back and forth really quick you can catch some glimpses of girls on HBO. We soon left that night and all was soon forgotten. I then decided to call my old Pastor to see if what he was saying was appropriate or not, he said, “No, that he should not be telling us things like that”, even though he himself would ask similar questions, so I could not trust either of them. I then decided to write a letter to in. Telling him what was going on. I did not get a reply so; I still hung around Pastor. We went to museums and for long walks. As we a pproached the woods, he was sitting upon a trunk and I was facing the lake. He said, “come here” and we started to kiss again. At first I thought it was so grouse to kiss a man twice my age, me being 18 and he being 43, but I got use to it. He then went to place my hand on his private and I was so scared I did what he said, but then I snapped and started to bawl. I put my hands over my head and crawled up into a ball, wishing was back. Pastor m did not know what to do, he just kept saying, “stop yelling, people will here you. I am sorry okay just stop”. I then stopped eventually and we walked silently back to his car, with tears still undulating down my face. How can a pastor do this? I thought. I then said, “Do you not love your wife? How come you never talk about God to me? “Well, , because I think of you sexually and I know that is wrong so I don’t bring God, I am a pervert and you are just so sexy to me. Yes I do love my wife but I am not attracted to her anymore”. He w! ent on to quote Solomon and how he had many women. As we approached his car he tried again to have interaction with me and I still did not want to; it happened anyways. As I did not know has decided to come home because was not what he expected. I was so happy to find out that he was back. The first thing I did was call him and he said he wanted to talk to me ASAP. That day I drove down to his house and we talked about what happened between me and Pastor and that he wanted to meet with him personally. The next day he met with Pastor and told him to leave me alone. As far as that discussion, I still do not know to this day what was said. But Pastor had the audacity to call me while he was in a meeting with t. I quests he just did not get it, nothing sunk in. t then went to his church and told him to admit what he did and to step down from his position. Weeks later I got enough nerve to go to is church and speak with Pastor another Pastor at his church. He said that he did not have time to talk to me, but if I waited he could talk. So I decided to wait for his service to finish, but Pastor arrived, he saw me talking to another kid in the youth group and asked what I was doing, with a uneasy look upon his face. I was nervous and said nothing. He then grabbed my arm and escorted me out of the church, as we arrived outside in the parking lot, Pastor c came out to ask if everything was okay, well Pastor then hastily put me into his car and said, “yes that everything was fine”, and we drove off, and later to have interaction again. I figured that if I slept with Pastor he would not hurt t since he has threatened my life also I, knew what he was capable of. Late one evening I was driving home to look upon my rear view mirror, a car was following me. Well to my bewilderment it was a friend of Pastor, he wanted to kill me, but again to my surprise M stepped in and told him to back of and to leave me alone, he said, “It is not her fault, she did not tell”. Pastor would sit in front of my house night after night and finally I asked him why, he just replied that he just wanted to make sure I was home. He then started to stalk and follow me around. One evening my cousin and I were driving around and he approached us at a red light. My girls were yelling, “go get money, if he is obsessed with you go get some money from him”. Peer pressure sunk in and I walked up to his window and asked if I could have some cash. He grabbed my arm and said, “I want you so bad”; I pulled away and grasped the twenty from his hand. We then drove off and he followed behind, so we sped up and flew down Hill Avenue and eventually lost him. Pastor eventually stepped up and broke down in front of the whole church, admitting what he did. His wife also called and apologizes to me, for her husband’s actions. I always felt that I missed out on a friendship because of Pastor being attracted to me. I never understood why he cheated and did the things he did, but I eventually figured it all out. Still to this day I have been in contact with Pastor. Pastor C is still pastoring at this church, (found out because two friends from e. work and attend this church now) I wish I could tell them my story so maybe they can be aware. C did try to stop m , but was unsuccessful. Pastor still works with young girls and still cheats and goes about his destructive way, as he recently stated. His Pastor always wanted to speak to me and to this day still does, but I see no point, since the harm is already done. Pastor, Hatred for all things mostly for trust The evil keeps lurking and hides where it must Each shred of dignity falls piece by piece Ijust try not to think about what’s going on They do what they can to get me to be free I just go with the flow and hope for the day When my memories are erased of when he had his way You've all had your say and you've said it out loud I could have fought back - but I was weak then and I am weak now You kept me sheltered so I would not tell. But it still all came out.. He was your friend; a pastor, but silence enables this to continue But my true Pastor knew, he did what he could to stop you, Eight years later you continue Where does reality begin and end, Does it lie within a circle's flow? Am I Me from past or Me from now And how come we won't let go? The things that I know Of hurts played out upon us deep Turned inside out and back again The sense of whom I was to be Is caught in a drowning maelstrom Of Want and Fear and Need Can you recognize the acrid smell of fear? Or see what color it paints your dreams? Have you ever willed your lungs to breathe? While praying that breath would cease? And that dying forces can overcome us And some scars never heal, That you can't find whom you are inside And where to connect to what is real You think he can't enter your spirit, That you're fighting off the blows But time reflects your error as he settles Deeper than even your Psyche knows I wear the mask, I dance the dance Of a woman free from scars and pain, But remove the mask and I'm unrecognizable Even though I look the same Dear Lord, haven't I had enough? Why can't I bleed away pain from my soul? Why can't wishing and willing and wanting to Be enough to make me whole? You haunt my nights Your shadow dwells in my days Will this ever go away? Every corner I turn Every noise I hear Is it you again, are you near? Why do I have to live with fear? When it's you that violated me. Do I haunt your nights? Do you see my shadows in your day? Do you ever think of me? Yes of course you told me; sexually As you are able to continue to play What if this was your little girl? Would it have shattered your world? Know that she is the age I was Know do you think twice of what you have done Sometimes, but you still are willing to have your fun. A secret told, but behold, a secret deeper than it holds. A secret is best left Kept, To the grave you say, but is it you or him That I really hate. ( Q ) Yes you are strong and I am weak, "never so no to me" This secret that is left, you are right it will always be kept, Ill never tell as I promised, in my heart it seeps, In our hearts it keeps, but this disease is what I will see, When I can’t forget and be reminded constantly of when you Took advantage of me. You apologize and say your sorry, but you continue So what am I suppose to believe. a letter to my pastor. Here these cries --Woman's body, child's mind, who's this man who's been so kind? Sturdy arms to hold you tight, The rock that holds you back from flight. Here these cries--Woman's body, child's mind, Needs to break the ties that bind, Needs this man to save her soul, Absolve the sins that make her cold. Here these cries --Woman's body, child's mind, what's that face you hide behind? Masked confusion, covered pain, Trust rebuilt and lost again. Here these cries --Woman's body, child's mind, Oh so needy, Oh so blind. Take her body, the games begin... "Bless me Father, for I have sinned." Hear this cry -- hear the truth. Talked to you for years, through all those tears, did you forget who I was, what I stood for, believed in? Did you forget what was said? I had turned to you in grief and despair. In that time of sorrow, in that time of need, I became the victim of your sick greed. Hear this cry -- my whisper in the wind. A silent rage that I'd turned within. Thought you were my healer, pastor, and friend. You, on that pedestal the slayer of my soul, crippled my mind, and committed your sin! Hear this cry -- hear it in the rain. Bleeding from this wound is emotional pain. Hear this cry -- hear my shout. You've remained in my mind creating and maintaining self-doubt. You are guilty of betrayal. Now the truth is out. Hear this cry -- Who has cried as I, "What's the use?" You trusted ones, cloaked in fake flowers, leave your victims sexually, and emotionally shattered. Hear this cry -- hear the thunder, lightning striking all around. You and your kind will finally be found. The world will know your injurious crimes, and know of the damage done to our minds. Hear this cry -- the sound of silence. There will come a time for balance. I'll find life's key embedded in my own ground. I am removing your cloak, shattering the pedestal, and in its place plant real flowers. You who are naked, known by all to be villains, will at last be victims of your own ruin. Here my cry -- That's what they say, Then let me ask you shouldn't it be, That the pastor of the church have integrity? But again and again you only show, Integrity is a word you do not know, A virtue you left behind, The day you crossed that sacred line. Here your cry -- Another thing I'd like to know, Are you so delusional you do not hear, The conscience inside that surely must speak, Of the havoc and pain you so casually wreaked? Here a cry –keeping my mouth shout, but still shouting your name. Just follow me." Planning his move with lust in his eye, It begins with kindness, praise and flattery, Quickly the pedestal grew towards the sky, Oblivious of the danger,A man glorify. Here his cry --I want you, I need you, I love you my dear, Most important don't tell anyone, About our little affair, The kind of questions, indiscretions, Endured for months, Eventually I tell you that I want out. Here her cry --This guilt, this pain is destroying me, Onto the next round called cruelty, Sadistic sermons, comments and leers,Hiding in closets shaking with fear, what you took from me was very dear. Here his cry -- desperate to save his broken wife, For he is the only one who can see, How silence bound me, stripped me and wound me, Into a tight knot of shame and rage, While you, the predator, act so proud, That I willingly walked into your cage, God was my life, then God became you, Aware, but uncaring, what you put me through, Naive and vulnerable I handed you my heart, Onto the final round called guilt and self-blame, For letting myself be a pawn in your game. Here her words --I speak my words, my truth, People listen, but do they really hear? I bare my soul for all to see. I take the risk. I make the leap. I speak my words again. Telling all. Telling of the anguish, the self-loathing, the flashbacks, and dreams. I've been told that the truth sets you free, but it seems to have imprisoned me. Here the words --Why do the facts play over and over? Why do the fears return as if it was today they played upon that office wall? Why do the emotions seem on edge and raw? Why do the pictures that pop in my head turn inward and I cannot stop them anymore? Here the secret --Your hands on my body, practiced the art of control, My body in your hands, learned compliance, an object of your lust. the day I was released from the prison of your carelessness the day, my soul renamed itself. Here is a story that I wrote in a class in writing autobiography class, I wanted you to read and answers some questions for me, this e mail will not go beyond us I promise, I need your side of the story. Will you be honest with me, please? You say you do not remember, when and I went to your house we hung around, then you wanted me to drop off and come back to see you, I did and that night is when your daughter asked who I was, and you said it was some friends from church and she went back to bed, we had sex and I slept on your coach, you wanted to have sex in your wife's bed, but i said no, and we didn't. The time at the museum was in B when, we went for a walk in the woods, we had sex again that night, the time I was crying was when we went for a walk in Roslindale in the arboretum. I was crying and you got scared and was worried that someone would here me, it is when I started to jerk you off, and I knew it was wrong stopped and we walked back to the care and talked why you wanted to cheat, you said that your wife does not attract you anymore and that you thought I was sexy. I wanted your friendship and felt if I slept with you that you would still be my friend. My mother was an alcoholic at the time and I ! was lost without t, I was trying to find someone like t, to help me out in times of need, but the days and nights we spent together I thought you really cared about me, to my bewilderment you only wanted sex, so if I gave that to you I could still keep your friendship, I did like sleeping with you, but I was so vulnerable, and lost, and that has warped my sense of pastors. The day of pastor C was when we went to the church and I told you that I wanted to talk to J, ts friends who approached you about us, I went into the church and yelled at Justin to shut up pastor C approached me and asked what was going on, you then came in and went outside and pastor C asked if everything was okay. You said yes, lo sieto for the grammatical errors. Another time is when and I went to the church to tell you I was pregnant. You said well what are you going to do, like it was just my baby and not yours. All you thought about was how it was going to ruin your life and did not care about mine. You said that I held your life in my hands and it was up to me, what I did, well I never wanted to tell and still don't, but still feel hurt. When you first met me, did you look at me sexually, or was it when you thought I liked you because I called you to talk and you thought I liked you. Was it because I was young and that turned you on? I don't want to ruin your life and m I never wanted to tell in the past, I really hope you believe me; this is all between you and me. Just because I need closure and answers, and never got up enough courage to do so. I need to get this all out, please understand. Thank you for your time and understanding and willingness it means a lot to me. Okay, and I pray only the best for you and your family, and for God to be close to your heart. I do believe that you are a truly caring and loving Christian, even though things have happened. Within us are so many answers, understand, have courage, be strong, and put all your faith in God, You can keep going long after you think you can’t and that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. To I Dealt with new covenant and they wanted me to come back to preach, but I said no. Howey (Baba) is in jail. A told him to follow me for while, A did not like me, and followed me, he went to California, and he thought I was going to take Thom church. I said no, but he had issues with his dad. That is the past, and new covenant brought a lot of pain. I can’t live in that place any more. I can ask myself questions like why did I make those choices, why did I do that, but I need to go on. Life does not end at new covenant. I learned to move forward. I read a letter to my Pastor, did you write that? I don’t want you to hurt, lying doesn’t do anything and I have not lied to you. I am sorry, and I feel stupid and bad for what happened. It happened and I can’t change time, I can’t deny that. I am not healed either, but I am trying to be. I did not blame you and of course they are going to say that because I am the perpetrator. I had issues with new C. before and with Thomn that has nothing to do with them. I am going to be accepting a call from them because of this. This is the past and I have to be at peace with this. I don’t want to deal with them and how they treated me in the past. They dealt with this issue wrong and well that is between them and I. From: hopecares |
| August 9th, 2006 Hi, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I just started therapy this year at the age of 31. I was molested by an uncle at the age of six and by the son of one of my mom's boyfriends at about 10. Therapy is helping, I got lucky and found a therapist I really like on the first try. Look for someone who specializes in childhood sexual abuse. I had kept my abuse a secret all my life, and it was eating me up. It has been such a relief to let that secret go. My cousin was also molested by the same man, and told her mom at the time. We were both made to stand in front of our moms, grandma and aunt (the wife of the uncle that molested us) and tell them what he had done. It was horrible, as damaging as the abuse itself. My Aunt called us liars, said we watched to much t.v. and were making up horrible stories. Then we were marched upstairs to my uncle so he could tell us we were liars and that we were never to tell these lies again. I have great hatred for my grandma and aunt, for doing that to us. We were 6 and 7, how could they call two sweet little girls liars? My mom, I know now, was molested by her father growing up, and when I asked her about it, does not even remember being there for the whole confrontation scene. I think she just went out of body, I wish she could have been there for me, and stoood up for me, but I understand why she didn't and I still love her. The most important thing I can say to other survivors is- it is never your fault. Adults and teenagers who molest children are sick and wrong. They are always the ones at fault, never the child. My biggest struggle is dealing with the shame and guilt surrounding masterbation. I remember masterbating excessively as a child, an obvious cry for help that my mother was not able to deal with becuase of her own abuse. Now as an adult I have a hard time letting go of the embarrassment, guilt and shame of being a "dirty little girl who masterbated too much". It does not help that the teenage boy who molested me at 10, came crawling into my room late one night and found me masterbating by my nightlight and said "so you did like it", meaning what he had done to me. Of course I did not like it, but now if I am aroused that image always pops into my head. Anyway, I am working on it. I have made progress, I have realized many things about myself since starting therapy and have felt much less depressed. Remember that healing is a process. That has been hard for me, because I am very goal oriented- I want to complete step 1 and move onto step 2, but with healing, you may get to step 5 and suddenly find yourself back at step 1, starting all over again. The thing is, I know I can heal. I have hope. There are so many of us that have been abused- I recently found out about my brother and a cousin in my family, it makes me sad. We need to stop keeping secrets and stop the cycle of abuse, but in order to do that we must first heal ourselves. Chandra |
| June 11th, 2006 I am an SRA survivor and have been in therapy for one year. It seems to be a long road to recovery but I am willing. if their is anyone else out there who would like to talk I am here. Tina bittypeep@aol.com |
| May 25th, 2006 I found out that my husband has been sexually abusing my 14 year old daughter. There is an investigation going on, and I hope he will be charged. We were together for a total of nearly 13 years, and he threw it out the window! When Child Protective Services told me about what my daughter had told them, I felt like a bomb went off. Bob admitted it to the social worker. When I asked him straight out if this was true. He looked at me without emotion and without emotion in his voice. He said: " It's true, I did do those things to her, I did touch her." my daughter and I are getting counselling, and Bob is not allowed to have any contact with us. I honestly thought he was a good man, even though he himself had been physically abused by his father and sexually abused by a male cousin when he was younger. He said he broke the cycle of abuse, and I believed him. My daughter and I feel so betrayed. I've lost my husband, and she lost the only father she knew and loved. How do you recover from something like that, how do you learn to trust again? Melissa evaandjim2002@yahoo.ca |
| May 17th, 2006 I married a man that seemed to be everything I wanted. He knew what to say and what to do to suck me in. I got pregnant with my son, and the abuse began after he was born. I had severe post partum depression, and no one had the intelligence to diagnose it. He called me crazy and insane. I spent 3 and a half years being emotionally, verbally and physically abused by this monster. He assured me that if I ever left, he would take my son away. He told me he would have his friends and family lie for him and say that I was mentally unstable and I was a danger to my son. He said he could so easily "do away with me" and no one would ever know, and they have the money to make sure he gets off. I believe that he would do these things. I left him one night when he threw some full cans of soup at me. I took my little son too and went back home. Now he has found me because my own father turned me in, and he is stalking me and promising that soon he will end my life. We have to run again, because the law doesnt take us seriously, the courts would give him access to both of us and and that would be the end of it. We are alone in a very dangerous world and all we beg God for is a chance to live in peace. Anon. |
| May 10th, 2006 From Julia I'm here because I need to tell this, even into emptiness. emptiness. I am 25 and have been suffering of heavy depression since childhood. I was beaten physically and verbally for so long time, that I seem to lose my own mind, my own thoughts, I have to do something-to walk, listen to the radio, watch something, I can't stand still, because I'm still being haunted, trying to escape. There were times I couldn't. I had to live in that house, I had to go to that school. I felt relieved only when I slept and other hours were filled with fear. Mortal fear. Now I feel that I can't go on like this. Nothing makes me happy and one can't be scared 24 hours a day. I'm filled with hatred which has come up to such a degree that I can harm either those who killed me many years ago, or myself. Psychologists say the only way out is to learn to love myself, but I CAN'T!!! I tried, but I hate myself so much for I couldn't defend myself and let them humiliate me for years! I don't know how to get on with this! I don't know what I should do to start to love myself as they suggest. I did two things I could be proud of-I've lost weight, about 40 kilos. And I've learnt English from zero-level to Advanced for the last two years. And I STILL hate myself! What else should I do? Become a spaceman? A President? Win Oscar? If I had anything in the world I wouldn't be happy in any case. What's going on with me? Why do I carry on listening in my head to the people who say "You are none, f...g b..ch, shut up and mind your place!" And these two peope are my parents. And those who beat me when I was 11. For years. I don't understand why victims always blame themselves and want to die while on the contrary they deserve to live! And why they let their tormentors live happily, having agreed: yes, you are right, I'm bad, please, tell me and I'll do anything you want to, because... I can't carry on, tears, bloody helpless tears, and all those talks just don't make sense! Why were I born like this????! I want to live and I hate them, I don't know what to do, I have everything on the Earth, my country, this damned always fu...g depressed Russia, they are all just haughty f...g bastards around, pretending they are better, than they are, with all that acclaimed Russian culture, and speciality, what the f..k! It's not a country, it's a one big complex, I wish I could root them out, I wish they would live like all normal people, not ruminating about this permanent bloody melancholy! I know what I tell, most of people are scared forever, they just accustomed to humiliation! It smells fear all around! I hate this country and I can't get out, because I'm a product of this! Last year I got to go to England for a month or so. For the first time in my life. I lived in a big family, one big, kind British family. They said I was good, they said my parents had to be proud of myself, that I was just wonderful. They smiled me, hugged me, we talked at the evenings about all those amazing things that are being discussed in good families. Then I got back home. I don't know how I survived, maybe because I wanted to go back one day to the God-blessed country where I got to know what family means. A year has already passed. I realized, I can go there, work as a waitress or smf, but I would transport there my body, my soul has long since dead. But if I didn't have these memories of the good people, I would have been dead by now. It's a pleasure, oh yes, it's a pleasure to be hugged, to be loved, but I figured out, I can't stand this. People can die of hunger, it's obvious. I die of hunger for love, believe me, it's as important as to eat, to drink, to sleep. I'm tired. I don't have anything to live for. I want to thank my dear, dear friends I met last year for a short time, I would like to meantion their names, but, don't want them to get entangled with this, I repeat their names every day, God bless them and you, who have come here to speak out about pain. I love you. But I can't go on. |
| May 5th, 2006 Stevesdsamna@yahoo.comYou've got to trust your instincts. |
| May 3, 2006 I am currently at work and having flashbacks. It's been a long time since I've been in this state. I use to be in this paniced freakedout state nearly constantly. That was years ago. I seemed to be going in circles and not making progress. I decided to stop trying to heal and get a life. I went back to school and started smoking pot and giving up on deeper healing and tried to get a life. Now I have a sort-of life. I got heavily triggered by an interaction with my sister yesterday morning and the feelings pesist- want to draw me back, but I need to be present. I have an urge to go and talk to my boss about what is happening. I guess I could go home sick. I don't know where I am exactly. I remember this feeling, walking around being half present and mostly out of it for years upon years. I got diagnosed with PTSD and got one year disability with the state. I didn't get permanent disability, sometimes I wish I did. I have a few people I can talk to about this, but not many. I think I want to go home and let myself go through the memory/feelings and be gentle with myself. I can't read other things on the wall and I can't her about other people's abuse. I am too triggered at the moment. Anon |
| Entry for April 26, 2006 Thank God for this site! I'm a 50+ year old married male, who is currently in counseling for sexual addiction that is a result of sexual abuse starting at age 10. My abuse was from both women and men. At 10, two women, friends of my grandmother borrowed me to help with yard work. I was to stay a week with them out of my summer long stay with my grandmother. These women exposed themseleves to me in the toilet, helped me with my bath with us all nude and exposed me to sexual activities each night when we were all in bed together. The problem I have still having today is guilt for not exposing this abuse when it happened. At 10 these things made me feel good. My counseler says I need to forgive myself, but it's still very hard for me to do. The sad part is these activites drove me to sneek around for the past 40 years searching for dirty panties, to hide outside toilets listening to women inside, and becoming involved in adult swining and having sex with older women. All of this is against God's plan but did occur until I have Christ with in the last few months. The second part of my early abuse occured the following year when I was in 6th grade. A friend of the family came to live with us while he was looking for work. Each morning after my father, mother and brother left the house, he would get me into bed with him to perform sexual acts. At 11 I learned all about homosexuality. Again, this felt really good to me and still today I can't believe how much I enjoyed the oral and anal sex with him. But that pleasure at age 11 drove me again not to tell anyone. Before he left he performed anal sex on me multiple times and that got me hooked with being with other males. This finally came to light when I was caught on a Boy Scout campout being sexual submissive to anther boy. My father and mother went crazy, threw me into counseling and of course I was thrown out of the Scout Troop. The couseling at that young age didn't help and until age 52, I also sought out sex with older men, even while I was married. A few months ago I found Jesus Christ and am attending church and bible study each week. Even with all of this new found love and forgiveness, I am still struggling with my sexual addiction and homosexual desires, many times each week. I am currently again in couseling, and have fought off submiting to and sexual desires and to other men for several months now. But the temtation if very real, with somedays more dificult than others. I would love to hear from and even chat with others that are fighting sexual addition and homosexuality today. I know I'm not alone, but the shame is very large. I haven't come out with my sexual addiction and homosexuality to anyone in my church, mainly from fear that they won't understand my issues and throw me out of the church. Michael mike_saintlouis@yahoo.com |
| Entry for April 11, 2006 It's good to hear others being real again. I don't have anyone close enough to talk about my abuse with these days....or for years now really. I misss my ex sometimes for that...it's always hard starting over. I've been re-awakened recently that i have to go back into my memories and feel and remember more and try to purge it out of me if that's possible. I think it is, but I always feel scared of having flashbaks with people who won't know how to handle it and then add more trauma to my trauma. I have found a shaman ...or more like he found me...was put in my path....and he did five minutes of work on me and bang...saw a piece of what hapened to me. It woke me up, makde me cry that I have all the conscious pieces I need to s ay yes this happened, but can't rmember the actual thing. I am going to ask him to work with me a few times to see if i can unlock some of this from my body. Holding it all in has made me fat, stiff and stuck. There's something I'd like to reccommend to anyone wanting to try herbal or alternative healing and it's really cheap and effective. It's called Bach Flower Remedies. Specifially Star of Bethlehem. It's for shock and trauma. I took the drops and it gave me a calm like I had never known. Other times it helps bring up the trauma. It's worth a try. A very spritual man I met took one liik at me at an event once and said I needed this. It's changed my life, and there are many other essences for fears, lack of confidence, guilt, withdrawal, etc. Anyway, I'm not a salesperson so I'll drop it now. I had some acknowledgment from my brother for maybe the first time tonight. He doesn't acknowledge the abise, but he did at least say that dad(one of my perps) did not give me waht I needed, and didn't let me be myself...too controlling. It's small yet huge at the same time becuase it's really hard for my brother to see dad clearly. Every therapist I've see in the past feew years asks right away if something ahppened to him too. Well, he may not be free to remember ever, or until after dad's dead. I'm happy to have some relationshp with him and my mom, but I can't be real with them...too much denial and fear in them still. Well, I'l say good night this time, but I'm happy to have a place to hear others' stories and be free and real too. Thanks artsaveslives22@yahoo.ca |
| Name = Julia Comments = I'm here because I need to tell this, even into emptiness. I am 25 and have been suffering of heavy depression since childhood. I was beaten physically and verbally for so long time, that I seem to lose my own mind, my own thoughts, I have to do something-to walk, listen to the radio, watch something, I can't stand still, because I'm still being haunted, trying to escape. There were times I couldn't. I had to live in that house, I had to go to that school. I felt relieved only when I slept and other hours were filled with fear. Mortal fear. Now I feel that I can't go on like this. Nothing makes me happy and one can't be scared 24 hours a day. I'm filled with hatred which has come up to such a degree that I can harm either those who killed me many years ago, or myself. Psychologists say the only way out is to learn to love myself, but I CAN'T!!! I tried, but I hate myself so much for I couldn't defend myself and let them humiliate me for years! I don't know how to get on with this! I don't know what I should do to start to love myself as they suggest. I did two things I could be proud of-I've lost weight, about 40 kilos. And I've learnt English from zero-level to Advanced for the last two years. And I STILL hate myself! What else should I do? Become a spaceman? A President? Win Oscar? If I had anything in the world I wouldn't be happy in any case. What's going on with me? Why do I carry on listening in my head to the people who say "You are none, f...g b..ch, shut up and mind your place!" And these two peope are my parents. And those who beat me when I was 11. For years. I don't understand why victims always blame themselves and want to die while on the contrary they deserve to live! And why they let their tormentors live happily, having agreed: yes, you are right, I'm bad, please, tell me and I'll do anything you want to, because... I can't carry on, tears, bloody helpless tears, and all those talks just don't make sense! Why were I born like this????! I want to live and I hate them, I don't know what to do, I have everything on the Earth, my country, this damned always fu...g depressed Russia, they are all just haughty f...g bastards around, pretending they are better, than they are, with all that acclaimed Russian culture, and speciality, what the f..k! It's not a country, it's a one big complex, I wish I could root them out, I wish they would live like all normal people, not ruminating about this permanent bloody melancholy! I know what I tell, most of people are scared forever, they just accustomed to humiliation! It smells fear all around! I hate this country and I can't get out, because I'm a product of this! Last year I got to go to England for a month or so. For the first time in my life. I lived in a big family, one big, kind British family. They said I was good, they said my parents had to be proud of myself, that I was just wonderful. They smiled me, hugged me, we talked at the evenings about all those amazing things that are being discussed in good families. Then I got back home. I don't know how I survived, maybe because I wanted to go back one day to the God-blessed country where I got to know what family means. A year has already passed. I realized, I can go there, work as a waitress or smf, but I would transport there my body, my soul has long since dead. But if I didn't have these memories of the good people, I would have been dead by now. It's a pleasure, oh yes, it's a pleasure to be hugged, to be loved, but I figured out, I can't stand this. People can die of hunger, it's obvious. I die of hunger for love, believe me, it's as important as to eat, to drink, to sleep.! I'm tired. I don't have anything to live for. I want to thank my dear, dear friends I met last year for a short time, I would like to meantion their names, but, don't want them to get entangled with this, I repeat their names every day, God bless them and you, who have come here to speak out about pain. I love you. But I can't go on. |
| I'm here because I need a place to be as bitter as I really am. I'm sick of pretending to be someone else because who I am would hurt people and drive them away. I'm tired of trying to pass for normal. I'm not normal. I'm a shredded nightmare. I'm afraid of everything. I'm two years old inside. I'm full of insane rage that never goes away. I want to destroy things and I can't stop wanting to die. I can't stop trying to run away, but I make myself stay, and trying to do both at once makes my mind tear itself apart. There isn't much of a mind to start with, or at least not much of a self. There never was one. They got to me too soon. What they did to my body was nothing to what they did to my mind. That's what destroyed me. I can't trust a thing I feel or think or believe. And today I feel hatred. Blackest barbed hatred for the fuckers who made me the way I am. That's another thing I'm sick of: saying "but of course I'm responsible for myself now." I don't feel like! that. I don't feel like I have any control. I feel like it's all just a game and I'm losing. There's no choice for me that doesn't feel like torture or an impossibility. They broke me. Something survived, but I don't know what it is. I don't feel like a survivor anymore. I feel like I've been murdered but the corpse still has to get dressed and go to work. I can't say it strongly enough to feel like it's out: They broke me. They murdered me. They destroyed me. There's nothing left. Nataci |
| My name is Lisa, im 23 and from Sydney Australia. I am a survivor of SRA by all family members and Therapist Abuse. I would really, really, appreciate any emails from people who have been violated by their therapists, the ones they trusted so much. My life is just crap at the moment and I really would like some support and friendship.. Thanks Lisa |
| my name is louise,i have experienced therapy abuse and i am feeling isolated and alone,its like no-one understands me.i was abused mentally and emotionaly by a number of therapists who i sought help from,for them it was an attempt to protect the original therapist,my experience has completely traumatized me,i am doing the best i can to deal with this and i feel some hope now but i would really love to hear from other people who have also been through this it would really help me, louise |
| Good morning. It's not good for me because I was either blamed wheb I was a kid or told to keep quiet. I joined a self-help group recently and the same thing happened. I was blamed for someone else's inappropriate behavior. I did my best to let the administration know, but still he managed to present himself as okay and me as a trouble maker. |
| I was abused when i was 5 by a babysitter and it resulted in lifleong problems with drugs and sex confusion. Pornorgraphy became a real problem and I end up on twisted relationships. Currently I have been sober 14 years and and in a relationship with another survivor, we require LOTS of therapy and it seems to be getting better. In hindsight I can see that, for myself, I had to take care of my drug problem first (in a 12 step program) before I could begin to work on the underlying issues. Grayblock |
| Hi. My name is Mae. I just turned 49 on Halloween. I am an incest survivor. Praise God I never turned to drugs or booze. I turned to poetry and sewing. They were and still are my theraphy. I was abused from age 3 until 16. I had moved out of the house for awhile but came back to try and protect my little sis. All this crap messed her up really bad. She is 46 and messed up but trying to get better. Just before Willie died, I called and confronted him about what he had done. He kept saying he was sorry for "whatever" and when I would ask what whatever meant he would insist on acting dumb. It took me forever to forgive him. I had to because the hate and anger were eating me up and making me crazy. I had 2 little girls to take care of and do the best for and I did. Both are adults now and are great kids. I broke the cycle. It was hard work, but I did it. My mom was always drunk so she was of no help to me and my sister. She was sick and so unhappy in this life. She ha! d to die to be happy. All these years of keeping this horrible secret took its toll on relationships. But the true ones stayed intact. My husband has been so good to me and tries to understand my moods when all this crap gets to me. I am blessed. My life still isn't perfect but I can take a bath or sleep in the nude and not worry about someone coming in and doing crap. To all of you who are survivors, you are in my thoughts and prayers. And we are all worth while people who deserve love and happiness. God bless and take care. Mae |
| Reading these stories makes me cry. I guess I came searching on the internet (again), looking for help or something to give me an insight into what is going on in my daughter's head. You see, about an hour ago, I put her coat on her, and her backpack and sent her to her dad's house for another visitation. She was bawling her head off (as usual) and before he showed up.. begging me not to make her go. I didn't really have a choice. I am court ordered to make her go, and I am court ordered to not discuss the case with her. Basically I have a gag order. For five years I have fought to try to protect my kid now, who is 9. I left her dad when he confessed to having molested another kid at a younger age. My daughter was then 2. A few weeks after moving to my parents' house, she told me that "Daddy hurt my peepee with his hand", and changed from this sunny, loving, open child that reveled in running around naked, and would try to get her diaper off and leave it off when having it changed... to a crying, defensive child that would FREAK OUT when you would try to change her diaper, especially if it was a man. She began to kick the family pets and try to strangle them. Later on, she began to masturbate (age 3, approx.) to excess that her privates would be raw and almost bleeding. She would hoard food, she would defecate under my desk, she would hit herself... Age 4.. acting out sexually with other children. Age 5. Acting out sexually and predatory towards other children. Blaming it on the other children, lying about it. Claimed that her dad did it to her, and that's why she did it. Said that her dad was inside her head telling her to do it. Child Protective Services was involved. They sent a man case worker. She would flat out not talk to him. The school principal interviewed her and she told that person, but the principal lied to CPS and said that my child said nothing. Another legal battle and a side-story. The principal documented in writing what my daughter said. I requested those records under my FERPA rights and she denied them for two years, and subsequently destroyed the records. I turned her in to FERPA and FERPA said they needed proof, which of course, has been destroyed. DUH. So.. FERPA does what? Age 6.... predatory toward another little kid, locking him in the bathroom, refusing to let him out, trying to coerce him into sexual acts. Age 7... trying to coerce another kid into sexual acts at school and hiding behind a couch with the kid trying to get them to "play doctor" on their private parts. After 5 years of court battled, the court awards unsupervised visitation, despite counseling records submitted to the court, and two letters from two seperate licensed counselors stating that my daughter had disclosed of sexual abuse by her father to them and one recommended no contact. The stated that she was restrained by her supervisors from making recommendations. Both indicated that definitely, this child had been sexually abused, and said that her dad did it. The judge ignored it. It's been a year of unsupervised contact with this man. My daughter was fine for a few months, during the time that the guardian ad litem for the courts was investigating the case. She told the woman (who was told that it was a "friend of her dad's") that she liked it at her dad's house and he was fine. She has developed this fun little lying problem, as well. She smacked me upside the head in the car after the first unsupervised visit and told me to "shut the fuck up" (8 yr old kid, mind you) when I was singing a song she didn't like. She took the younger sibling of another little girl in her class- to a hiding place outside during a school picnic, and then tried to lie about it and pretend like it was the little girl's idea. I do not know yet if any sexual contact happened. The parents are being very hush-hush about it. However, the same anger cycle happened for a few weeks after the incident, that happened after the other incidents, so I suspect that there was. She now cries and begs me not to make her go to visitation. But she won't tell her counselor about how she feels. She tells me that she hates her dad and she wishes he would go away and if he would die, she would be happy. But she won't tell her counselor, her teacher, the school counselor, the church people that are her best buddies... nobody. Just me. And she is still crying when her dad shows up, but she won't say anything about hating visits when he shows up. She says that he and his wife get angry with her when she cries and they tell her to stop crying. She says they "force" her to stop crying. I ask how, and she says they just get mad at her when she cries. Recently, a few weeks before school, the parent of the other child involved, informed me that my daughter was in her room at her dad's house with her child, and that she was having sexual contact with the younger child and that she caught her doing it. She said that her dad took my daughter in his room and washed her mouth out with soap for trying to lie about the incident. I was never told and never would have found out about the incident, if not for the other mom. Recently at school, my daughter has followed another girl around at school at recess, to the point of it being a stalking issue. This is the same little girl whose sister my daughter took away to a hiding place last school year. My daughter has been following her around asking her about the little girl, and repeatedly asking about her, and using a strange voice- something straight out of a horror flick. The little girl was genuinely scared of my daughter. I have had to basically keep my daughter with me at all times in public places. Her father does not do the same, but lets her alone with her cousins over there, etc. My daughter has told me all sorts of things since unsupervised visitation has started, such as that she has been shown pornographic movies, magazines, and that her dad was playing a game with her called "split my butt with a banana", and that he was teaching her how to insert her finger into her rectum to "check for infection". All of these were addressed with the police, to which my daughter turned right around and lied to the police and told them that she said no such thing and that "mom says dad is a pervert", and that "it was all a lie. mom told me to say it." I bugged CPS for five years to protect my kid and I even went over their heads, at which time they began to investigate ME. It took me over a year to get a copy of my file with CPS, and that was another legal battle, and subsequent runaround. I currently owe money to a couple more attorneys, live on Social Security for bipolar disorder (and lemme tell ya... the dad's attorney is playing THAT ONE heavily in court!). I am unrepresented, and legal aid here is a joke. Money wins in court. Justice is determined by how much money there is. Without a criminal conviction of this man's abuse, my kid is completely at his disposal. So, I wait. And I wonder... is he done abusing? Is he just playing head games with her now? Is she being physically abused now? Is she playing the manipulation game between me and her dad? What is going on, and why does my daughter not tell others how much she hates visitation and only tell me, if she is not just trying to "play" me to get stuff from me or get attention? It's irritating, frustrating, and trying to make me crazy, when my daughter, the few times her dad has LET her call, she tells me how much she hates it there, and how much she misses me, and then suddenly falls silent, as if she was going to ask me to come get her... and then quiet and I ask her if her dad just came in and she said ya. And I say "I understand. You don't have to say anything." and she just cries more and says "You know what I'm thinking." This kid is 9 years old. The guardian ad litem is clearly biased. The judge... I think is on drugs. I finally quit fighting in court because I was advised by more than one attorney that I was risking losing custody of my kid. I have a few more options left, none of which are good: 1. I can run and use the shelter system and throw away any hopes of a normal life, not to mention guaruntee that if I get caught, I get jail time and lose custody of my kid. This takes money and I have to work under the table. There is no witness protection program for "fugitives". 2. Wait until he molests her again or worse, and there is finally physical evidence, and then CPS has to step in because I can't or won't, and then I get my kid taken away. But then again... there is the remote possibility that yes, he is a raving pervert and a creep, but that he is just playing headgames with her, and that I am simply... overreacting. |
| Hi everyone, My name is Melissa and I am a survivor of sexual abuse and neglect. I am also an alcoholic and addict in recovery. I've only recently been able to face the trauma that I endured as a child; the trauma that probably shaped my destiny. My mother had a voice like an angel; she was absolutely beautiful, and my father fell in love with her the first time he saw her (dancing on a bar). They had me and my mother started to go crazy; my dad would come home from work and she would be catatonic but I would be leading her around by the hand; I was three years old and mynmothers keeper. Without my fathers knowledge, she moved me to another state, where I watched her being gang raped, then lived in a home where roaches and rats were the norm, only to watch her descend into insanity. She was diagnosed as being schizophrenic since she had paranopid delusions and tried to sacrifice me once. When she went to the mental institution, I went to live with her perfect Italian mother and jher husband, the only maternal grandfater I had known. I was finally out of harms way, or so I thought. My "poppy" molested me and destroyed any semblance of childhood normalacy I had left. I fucked up my life from then on, until now. Now, I want to help women who are trapped as I was. I am starting my journey by writing an article about women who are like me, and I would greatly appreciate any input. I AM FOR REAL. THE ONLY WAY TO STOP THE ABUSE IS TO SPEAK OUT! CATHARSIS WORKS WONDERS, BY THE WAY. Everthing is completely anonymous and remember, you were worth saving, as are other children. email me @ tranquilme1126@aol.com or sweetmelissa620@yahoo.com. |
| i am fifty years old very much overweight was sexual abuse by stepfather and also a person we called uncle ray stepfater died in 1997 but never told me why i am so sad i dont stop eating cause of the pain mother never stood by me on this help i need it so bad linda Linda. |
| Excerpt from TIFFANY TWISTED, exposed, unraveled, rewritten. Available at www.tiffanytwisted.com - Spring 1975 Death sends for the commander of his army. "Do you see that one there?" Death asks. This commander called Pain, just back from a cold, dark mortuary, emerges with a satisfied smile on his face, his mind still relishing the sight of the bullet hole in his last victim's head. Death's voice deepens, "Pain, are you listening to me?" Pain shakes himself back to the present and looks toward the little girl, draws up his lengthy, scaly arm, and points. "Her?" he asks. "Yes," Death says, as he nods his head, his thumb and forefinger stroking his small, black pointed scruff on his chin, his black, beady eyes lit with greed. A little girl sits content in the soft, green grass of earth, and rocks her baby doll. Little active fingers brush the baby's soft, blonde hair as she holds her up to the light of day, and whispers, in seeming tranquillity, a lullaby to her dolly, unaware of the rumble taking place overhead. "Look at that kingdom around her," Death continues as he shakes his head in wonder. It wasn?t the grass, or the little neighborhood in which she lived that his greedy heart desired. It was far beyond what mortal eyes could see. "Absolutely extraordinary and I want it; I want those lands, and that castle.." Pain looked at the little girl and saw what his master was talking about. He saw the potential, the call, the mighty destiny in this small person. And Pain knew his job. It was the same job he mastered many times over the years. He didn?t get them all, but he got some and he savored every one. "Get her for me," Deaths voice trailed off with his footsteps. Pain began his work immediately. He called in his troops with a roar, "Intimidation, Shame, Torment, Despair, we have work to perform." Enemy soldiers filed into the room one by one and sat down at a massive, oak slab table. Each one slapped down a sheet of white paper in front of themselves and set about to work their separate evils. They pondered the little girl in the grass and began to script her bondage, A script these enemy soldiers would spend years teaching her to believe.. Evils, that when unified would orchestrate a living nightmare. Copyright 2004 Tiffany Twist, www.tiffanytwist.com |
| I have just published a book of poetry - an autobiographical account of my incest and recovery. YES there is recovery, and that is the message of my book. You can get a copy from amazon.com Title is JOURNEY FROM DARKNESS by Candace E. Barnes. Though the beginning is rather dark, the whole of the book is hopeful, inspirational. It shows the reader that there is a way out. I was severely sexually abused by my father from the age of three to seventeen. And yet I've found my way to acceptance, and to an end to the misery, self-hatred and rage that are the legacy of incest. I hope that my book, which ws instrumental in my recovery, will help you. Love and light to all who read this. Goddess. |
| hi~ i am now 34 almost 35 now and i just 4 weeks ago let my aweful secret out! i have kept the secret of my step dad sexually abusing me as well as physically and mentally abusing me when i was 12 and 13 yrs old. i think i just blocked it all out and tried and hoped it would just go away and i would someday be "normal" and "ok". i moved to a new town with my husband and kids and ran face to face with the man who abused me at 12 and 13 whom i havent seen since i was about 15. i have had this problem with mood swings and out bursts towards everyone and anyone whom ever tried to get close to me or love me, i was married 15 yrs to an abusive man whom i thought and believed "saved" me from my childhood whom in stead captured me as his prisoner. i am now remarried to a wonderful man whom tries sooo hard to please and love me and i have been tryin to push him away because of my past as well but i guess the lord believes we are meant to be and has helped us and has helped me to let my issues and insecurities out and to let this man love me! i am who i am and i soo much want people to accept me for me and who i am, for i dont know what "normal" is!!! so i was sooo pleased and happy to have found this sight and read everyones stories for believe me i can relate and i do believe we are all survivors and deserve to be loved happy and at peace. god bless you all. Susan. |
| I am 30 years old and in a bit of a dilema. When I was about 10 or 11 years old I was sexually abused by my Grandfather. It happened several times, and for the last 20 years I have kept it quiet. I have spoken to a couple of friends and my husband about it, but I have never told my family. I always thought that I was protecting them. Everyone looks up to him so much. I always thought that I had moved on with my life just fine without letting the abuse interfere with my life. My husband has been really pushing me to tell my parents. He keeps telling me that I do not have a high-self esteem because I have not relieved myself of the burden. I truley want to tell my parents, but I am afraid too. I am trying to figure out how to begin. My problem is that I want to protect them, and not worry about myself. They are still dealing with the death of my 20 year old sister. She did July of 2003 and I keep feeling how can I put this burden on them as well. I des! perately need suggestions on how to begin, so I can start the healing process, and make my relationship with my husband better. Sisterkristchen. |
| hello my nick names shadow my real name is brittany right now i am 12 i was molested by my older cousin who is now 15 he molested me 2 years ago. i earler sent his mother a letter telling them what he has done i think molester s are sick people. i use to blame my self but i now realize it is not and it is no ones fault ever. some people can be so sick like what my cousin did for exampel molest me for maybe 10 -25 minutes booring tryes to rape me then two weeks later dose it again. what a sick thug. thanks for reading this. Shadow |
| I have been in a relationship for 4 months now. Everything was great until my girlfriend got a phone call from her ex. Well, my problem is, her ex abused her in such a way that she can't get over it. She called her names, beat her up, tried to kill her a few times. Does anyone know how I can help her with her problems? Or if there is a book I can read about these issues? PLEASE HELP??? Cindy |
| My name is Marie Waldrep. I was sexually abused as a child and teen. One of the perpetrators is my brother who is 15 years older than I am. His name is James Darriel Harrison. He goes by Darriel. My dad?s drinking didn?t seem so bad to me because I was being sexually assaulted while all the other crap was going on. Darriel killed my cat after I finally told my mother about him raping me. I feel he made me an easy target for all the other jerks that raped and molested me. I am the baby of the family. I learned to trust all of my family and I loved them with all my heart. I never wanted to see anyone get hurt because it made me sad. My first memory of being sexually assaulted I was around five and a half years old. We were in the living room watching T.V. it was kind of cold and my oldest brother asked me if I wanted to get under the blanket with him to watch TV so I did and as soon as I was under the blanket with him he put his hand in my panties and started fondling me. I really didn't know what to think about him doing that because I trusted him and he would always tell me it was OK for him to do that. I wasn?t under the blanket to long and my mother started yelling for me to get up and when I got up she spanked my butt. To me this showed Darriel hey I can do this and not get into any trouble, because I was the one to get my butt spanked. I was around seven and he came to my room and got on the bed with me and started talking about when I get old enough he wanted to marry me and then he put my hand on his penis and put his hand on my private. He wasn't in there to long until my mother came in and of course he wasn?t touching me anymore, but again she made him leave the room and she spanked my butt for him being in my room with me. I just don't get it at all. When he was on the phone with someone and I walked in the kitchen to get something to drink he would wrap the phone cord around me and back me into the corner and shove his fingers as far as he could inside me. Then he would say please come to my room and I would tell him NO. I was a very shy and quite little girl. I never gave any trouble to anyone. I did everything I was told to do so that I wouldn't get into trouble. Mama always took us to church and tried to raise us up right. I was taught to obey your elders. Darriel would fondle me on and off for about six years. Darriel probably would have assaulted me every day but in those six years he was in and out of jail and hospitals for drugs and stealing. Mama would always get him out of trouble and out of jail. I had a cousin named Hal to start fondling me when I was around nine. I hated every time we went to their house and that t In my healing process I have had recovered memories and remember that there were more than I wanted to remember that abused me. There were 8 in all. 4 were fondling and touching and the other 4 were rape. I wish all survivors continued healing. I have recently published a small book of my feelings expressed through poetry about the abuse I have gone through. The title to look for is A Voice That Has Spoken From Within. You can visit this site with more information on my book at http://aviocethathasspokenfromwithin.bravehost.com/ Thanks for listening, Marie |
| I have been in a relationship for 4 months now. Everything was great until my girlfriend got a phone call from her ex. Well, my problem is, her ex abused her in such a way that she can't get over it. She called her names, beat her up, tried to kill her a few times. Does anyone know how I can help her with her problems? Or if there is a book I can read about these issues? PLEASE HELP??? Cindy |
| I'm a 47 year old man. I was subjected to lots of emotional, physical and sexual (not physical incest) abuse and abandonment from 0-13. At 13 hormones and mixed state manic/depression kicked in, and I started to take my pound of flesh - at least when my "rage" was tapped into. I was a survivor and a fraud (cool, confident, full of crap) but inside full of shame/fear/anger. I had a few casual relationships, and then at age 20 and 10 months met a girl/women who actually showed me that I was worthwhile, what caring for people was, what companionship was, what agape and sexual love were. Naturally, since I was a perfectionist none of that was good enough for me on some levels. I drove her away, I broke her heart and her trust. I did a 3 year stint in hell, and then spent 5 years trying to clear up and fix the mess (lots of analysis, new age stuff). I've accomplished a lot in a worldly sense, even grown enough to get married and stay that way for 16 years (and go through getting diagnosed at 42 w/ BP). I have two boys, and they are happy and safe. I am again trying to get to the bottom of my issues (just because I have not raged since I was 24, it doesn't mean the cost of fighting down the anger/stress is easy to do, nor am I free yet). Still, that girl/women and what went down - it's what's motivated most all of what I have done since then that outsiders would consider worthwhile. She's still there as an example for what is real, and me then for what is not, as much as I hate to do it, I've got to put her fully into the past, so I can live fully in the now. Only when I suceed in what I have to do, will I be able to let her go. Also I have to drop the hatred for dear old dad, and the strongly mixed feelings for my mother. I've been able to forgive the bullies and the sex abusers, but, my broken parents - violent murdering, drunken, narcissistic father & inappropriate erratic mom? that'll be tough. Thanks for paying attention. bags |
| I am very new at doing things like this, but haven't found the support that i feel like i need from therapy or friends. Although they are both great, I feel that right now i need more. I was sexually abused by my father from the age of 5 until 12. Sometimes it was brutal, and he told me that if i ever told anyone he would kill me, other times he would tell me how much he loved me, and he was only doing this because he loved me. I never understood that series of comments. I am 28 and just recently these same issues have come up for me again. See, I felt like I had dealt with all of this stuff before in therapy, but one night about two months ago i was on a kind of date with a guy, and we were talking in my house, and as it got later and later, i looked at him and said, ok you go home now, i am going to bed. Well, his disappointed look sent me into a whirlwind of terror, and therapy. He was disappointed that we weren't making plans. Creatv |
| My ex-bf beat me. I still hang out with him and call him. I know it's stupid, and i am trying to stop. but we were together for 3 years. he was my first real boyfriend. before him i had a couple one night stands when i was f-ed up and once was raped. My ex used to rape me too. I had never really thought of it as that, but it was. while i was sleeping or other times i didn't want it. he'd just keep pushing and pushing until i did it. and then it'd hurt and he'd get mad at me for making him feel bad after because i complained it hurt. he used to hit me with things and throw stuff at me. i did everything for him. bought him stuff all the time, took/take him out to eat, gave him things of mine, brought him food, worried about him endlessly. he would degrade me and make fun of me all the time. i hate him now. but i don't know. my self-esteem is shot and i can't trust anyone. and i have a really skewed view of men now. i'm always afraid too. i hate ! it. i hate these f-ers that do this to people. i felt bad for him long enough. he should of freaking sought help. now i'm stuck alone with the mental and physical scars and no one to talk about it with. L. |
| I am a survivor of sexual assault by a coworker. subject. Lyn http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/SexualAssaultSupport/ |
| Oh great, here I was thinking it was all starting to fall into place then the shit hit the fan. Back came those horrible feelings of being a bad little girl. Part of me wanted/needed to feel that way. Why?? What is the appeal in being a nasty little girl? I guess I'm just trying to hide the feelings of total powerlessness underneath, but it bloody sucks!! And it makes me feel so dirty... god, help me to stay strong and fight this.. Bloom |
| I have dreamlike memories of being molested when i was 3, now i'm 17 and for the first time in my life, am trying to deal with all of the problems that this has caused for me. I remember the sick helpless feeling i got, and that i used to think masterbation was a game i could play with my friends and little sister (probably the thing i'm most ashamed of, but now i realize that at 3, someone older must've told me it was game people played).The shame of everything ruined my relationship with god, and i've had problems with eating disorders since i was about years old. i've also struggled with self-mutilation and two attempts at suicide. Also starting when i was about 3, whenever i was alone with my dad (or any adult man) i would get the sick trapped feeling again and i would hide and count to 30 over and over again until it went away. Now whenever i'm in a relationship i get that feeling about the guy. Sometimes it gets so bad that i can't sleep at night and cry when they touch me. In the end i always end up ending the relationship, or i get stuck in relationships where the guy just uses me and then leaves. It's so hard for me to openly express emotions now that it's actually become a family joke (funny for everyone except me). Now i'm having problems with drug and alcohol addiction, i just want to get past the memories and confused emotions. I don't want to be ashamed anymore, i'm scared and i don't know what to do next. Libby |
| I have just recently begun dealing with the fact that I am a victim of rape (i would like to say survivor, but do not feel like i am at that place yet). I will be facing this man, my ex boyfriend, along with my counselor, to have a chance to say all that I need to say. He has also hurt me in other ways -emotionally, mentally, and verbally. My counselor feels it will be profitable to face him and tell him exactly how he has hurt me. I do not even know where to begin! This has all been very overwhelming. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it. Kamryn |
| I am a victim of rape. (i would like to say survivor, but i do not feel that i am at that point yet.) i have recently started dealing with this, and will be facing this man, my exboyfriend, soon. We will be meeting with my counselor, who feels that i should prepare to say once and for all everything that i need to say to him. He not only raped me, but was also very verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive. Where do i even begin? If you have any advice I would love to hear it. I am so confused by all of this. Andie |
| I would like to say this to those who have been abused: Be strong. You deserve a happy and fulfilling life. I know it's hard to achieve that. But what happened to you, while it is part of your past, is not your fault and you don't own the abuse. It's not YOUR abuse. I survived 7 years of severe physical and mental abuse and one year of sexual abuse starting when I was 10 by the woman who adopted me. We never get over it, but we can learn from our experiences and we can learn to live again. I would like to invite anyone who wishes to do so, to visit my online writing portfolio. In it, I share my experiences and I don't hold back. I write every single day; be it journal, chapter of my book, or otherwise. My purpose in life is to help others to live better, any way I can. I have an adult abuse support group, a teen abuse support group and many other groups dedicated to helping others. I welcome everyone who has been abused, and who needs a gentle helping hand to join me in my own quest for a better life. We all deserve to be heard- every single one of us has that right. We have the responsibility to do for ourselves- no matter how many times we've been told the opposite. I also highly recommend journaling for everyone. You will learn so much about yourself and you can learn ways to live the life that YOU DESERVE! Thank you for reading. Blessings~ LifeWriter ESCAPE CHILDHOOD ABUSE Healing may take a lifetime, but a bruised hand can help another.~ My friend Erin |
| I am amazed! This is a wonderful thing, this wall...thank you. I am a survivor of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse. For years i had put it so far back and away that i didn't remember what had happen to me. But there were strange things that always confused me, reactions i would have to things, a certain smell making me sick to my stomach. Someone nuzzling around my neck and ears would make me insane with rage...just these things that made no sense. One day, at the age of 34, i was taking my father to the store, and he put his hand between my legs...and i remembered. He had molested me for years when i was little. All those years he taught me how to drink, and told me how worthless and ugly i was, and how no one would ever love me, and, all the time he was molesting me. What a shock, but yet, not. I am almost 60 years old now... i have been married 4 times, each husband an abuser of some type. The last was very good at causing physical pain...he beat me with great imagination, leaving scars both visible and not. I have 4 daughters, all grown and mothers themselves. I have been beaten , raped, sodomized, cheated on, lied to, given away, traded, used in horrible ways. But no more. In 1983 i finally got away from the last of them. After being held at gunpoint, threatened with un-mentional pain and sorrow, i lost my control and hit him. He had done it to me for the last time, and he had threatened my kids and i was pissed off....and i have been free of that life every since. But, it lives on. In my dreams, in my everyday life, in the lives of my daughters, and now my grandkids. In some manner, some way, it goes on. We pass it on...even after it is over. It goes on like a spot of rot...ever growing. I have a good life, but, you all know how it is...those days linger in our souls, bruises upon our spirits... i have not forgiven my abusers, and never will...i don't have to....but i have forgiven myself for all the years of blaming myself, and that has helped alot.... there are still times when i feel as if i just cannot stand it anymore, cannot go on anymore. Days when i only want to sleep and be free of everything...days when i wish i could just go to sleep and not wake up again...but i do wake up, and i am always glad to see the sun...somehow we go on...and somehow we keep smiling and enjoying the good days of our lives... somehow... we are strong... we are good... we are going to be fine. EmmaRose |
| Just as each of you young ladies I endored abuse as a child and from then more than one person. Then I married a very abusive man. Our marriage end after our child disclosed to me that my husband was abusing here. I walked out on him five years ago. It has not been an easy road to walk and there are days I wish he would have killed me, but most days are better as I watch my child smile again. rainbow |
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I was sexually molested by my stepfather from the time that i was nine until one week before my sixteenth birthday. I was anorex and depressed, nobody seemed to think that anything odd was happening. I have a large family, nine brothers and sisters...I was the only one he chose, and i cannot understand why. When i was fifteen my stepdads own sister told my mom that she was concerned about the was that he acted around me. My mother questioned me and i denied it. She knew though. She had to. To me it seemed obvious. When i had to go to my dad's i would BEG my mother to go with us, even breaking into tears at times. She left me alone with him, he gave me money to keep me quiet. It's weird to think about it, because it's like it didn't happen to me, it was someone else, and i was only watching. It scares me sometimes, I feel like i am dreaming, but i am awake. it's hard to tell what is real anymore. Well when i was fifteen, it got really bad one night. My mother had me baby sit my baby brother...My stepfather was supposed to be gone for the weekend. My mom worked the graveyard shift at the nursing home. My stepdad came home at around eleven and SHE LEFT ME WITH HIM. I hate her for that. that was the most terrifying and painful night of my life. I remember thinking that i had some sort of psychic connection with my mother, I kept screaming in my head for her to come home. The next morning when my mother came in I demanded that she take me home. She didn't ask any questions, though i cried the whole way there. I never went back. But no matter how much i try to forget, every day there is something that reminds me of those six long years and that last terrifying moment, when i knew i wouldn't come back. I can't seem to get over it. Nobody seems to understand me. Nobody really knows what i went through, and still struggle with daily. I want help, but i can't get it. I'm ashamed. Spooky |
| I am 15 and three months ago I spoke out about my abuse. My abuser was an old friend of my mum's. He lived quite far away from us and so my mum and I used to go down to his house and stay with him. It was always alright when my mum was around but from the age of twelve, whenever she went out he would come up to see me in my bedroom and he would push me to the ground and force his heavy body on top of me, holding me in such a tight grip that I could not possibly have escaped. He never made me have sex with him but he would kiss me all over and he would run his horrible hands all over me and massage my stomach and breasts and down my pants while whispering discusting things to me. He would often offer me large amounts of money to have sex with him but I always refused, feeling absolutely discusted at him. This went on for three years until I decided I had had enough and I told my mum what he had been doing. I have never seen him since then but he frequently writes to me begging me to forgive him and saying how sorry his is but I don't want to hear it, I believe that the only reason he wants me back in his life is so that he can do it again. He is sick old man. He keeps phoning me to try and get me to talk to him again but I just hang up, I want nothing more to do with him ever again. Perhaps the worst part is that when I was 4 he used to pick me up from school and take me back to his house until my mum finished work. I can not remember what he did to me during these occasions but I am sure that a paedofile who had a four year old girl alone in his house would not have done nothing to her. I have vague memories of him exposing himself to me and forcing me to touch it and of him making me come into his bed with him. The worst part though really is not knowing the full extent of what he did to me, I am not able to remember if I was raped or not, if I could just know one way or the other then I am sure I would feel a whole lot better but even if I did talk to him again he is hardly going to admit it. Because of what has happened over these past few years I can not stand for anyone to touch me without it bringing back all those memories of what he did to me and I know it will be a long time before I can bring myself to get involved in a relationship. My mum never asked for my permission to let anyone know what happened to me but I have often heard her on the phone telling her friends and family about it, I really with she hadn't. I even heard her say to one of her friends who she was telling about it on the phone "No, I wouldn't have stayed silent either. No, I don't think it was because she enjoyed it." How could they have possibly thought I enjoyed it? I was terrifed, no one could have enjoyed it. Whenever these people she told look at me now I always wonder what they are thinking, it is quite clear from the conversations that I heard that they think I was an idiot not to tell anyone. All I can say is that no one who has not been abused could understand what it feels like - the shame and the fear - and they should just stop judging me, I feel like I am the guilty one. I am just hoping that I will be able to forget about this one day and that I will eventually get all this anger out of me. |
| Hi.. I am 15 years old currently going through alot of mixed feelings.. I was raped from my biological father since i was 12 to 14 years old and since i could remember he sexually abused me since i was 3 to 14.. my typical day was to go to school come home and get raped 3 times a day and on the weekends 3 to 6 times a day.. it's been a year and a half since my last rape and i've been open about it all trying to bring others out from their silent shell.. trying to hide their rape .. . I have flashbacks and panic attacks most of them last more that 1 hour.. im afraid of sleeping alone,taking a shower, staying home alone, being around guys, being around people i don't trust or know, scared of everything.. i cry every night, pray to my Lord .. JESUS.. to help me heal.. It's painful to watch other people talk about rape and laugh about it.. because it's not something to be laughing at.. I could recall a moment where my dad put a knife to my throat and said if I didn't perform oral on him or Have sex with him that he would kill me .. chop me up into pieces .. then flush me down the toilet bowl so nothing would be left of me.. It haunts me everyday.. and i encouage young people out there that if they are going through what i am .. to find help.. couslers are out there waiting for those in need.. nothing can replace the pain or memories that come back everyday to haunt me because it's a situation that takes time to heal.. and many people don't deal with this in all the same way.. and some people may heal quicker than others! I, now a sophomore in High School.. I am committed to getting good grades and focusing on my education, I want to go to college and major in Pre-Vet.. then i want to become a missionairy and in the future start and organization dedicated to abused and raped kids around the world and try to provide some resources to those who are going through what is hard.. Many people say i should get over the fact of my past .. they don't walk in my shoes and feel the feelings that i do ... and i hate it when people underestimate what you're going through.. If you have read this letter and need support or have any questions feel free to email me. |
| Hi Lalitha! Hang in there. I went through something similar with my own mother. She is trying to intimidate you, as mine did over the years. I was abused by my mother and sister and moved out of my house when I was 20. I live with my husband now. My mother was so afraid that I would tell people about what she did to me, that she tried her best to isolate me from my friends, my teachers and even tried to turn my husband against me. I have an unpublished number, but mom & sis still manage to get my number somehow and I have to change it everytime it happens. They found out where i live. They somehow found out where my husband works and bothered him there too. Recently they came to our house, a address they found out somehow. I obviously cannot sell my house and move somewhere else. so this is what I am doing: No more hiding for me. I am going to confront these people. I have decided to contact the police to let them know that I am being harassed. I dont know your situation but I hope, you try to go beyond shame and fear to confrontation; it seems like hiding from or running from your mother is not working for you. I have learned the hard way that bullies only understand the language of consequences. Try to confront her and establish your boundaries strongly and consistently. I wish you and the rest of the folks here a healthy healing process from which you merge a stronger, better and more centered person. Peace to all of you. Sameena. |
| Don't feel abused,only confused.I have vague memories/feelings of having some kind of sexual relationship with my dad. I was very sexually "aware" from the time I was about 5.I'm absolutely sure he never had actual intercourse with me. I feel it was more like mutual masterbation.I can remember masterbating as young as 4-5.I can remember masterbating with one of my friends when she would spend the night. I can also remember that I new what a penis looked like at a very young age. It seems I new what it felt like (hard and smooth) way before I should have. remember wanting a penis like my daddy's because I thought it would feel good.I'm an only child and my mother worked nights most of the time from when I was 6 until I was about 12.I would sometimes sleep with my dad. I can remember him carrying me back to my bed early in the morning before my mom got home.One strong memory is of him setting me down on my bed and leaning over to kiss me.He put his tongue in my mouth a little bit.I was shocked I guess and I just pulled away and laid down.It could have been an accident. I can't recall any concrete memories of any actual act. I mainly have feelings/dream like memories. I could never confront my dad without being absolutely sure. So I keep trying to remember. Delta |
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