Unconditional Love

An Excerpt from Alzheimer's Disease,
Frequently Asked Questions
by Frena Gray-Davidson
                                                 
    The process of Alzheimer's disease is connected with losses, difficulties, and agonies. The central difficulty, however, and one that has been largely ignored by Alzheimer professionals, is the crisis of dysfunctional caregiving. It is not that Alzheimer's disease itself that is so unrelentingly consuming; what are so destructive are the difficult emotional issues that Alzheimer's raises and that many people do not address...

    Alzheimer's disease brings us all face to face with the central crisis in our society: the crisis in which the parent does not meet the love needs of the child. We live in a society of the emotionally orphaned. However, even if you have been one of those millions of orphans who never experienced enough love, you can still learn to become a good caregiver and, in doing so, you will become healed. This is the most powerful message that Alzheimer's disease carries in the heart of its own darkness: the disease itself can become a source of light and love...

    The secret to good Alzheimer's care is love. Love is the greatest resource in living with Alzheimer's Disease. Apart from all its other difficulties, Alzheimer's involves a crisis of love, both on the part of the person who has the disease and on the part of all those who live with or are involved with it. The person who has Alzheimer's disease has an undisguised yearning for love and is often as open as a child to the longings of the heart. In this sense, we could say that Alzheimer's disease turns into a journey from the mind to the heart.

    You can read more about the journey of caregiving in the book Alzheimer's Disease, Frequently Asked Questions.
which can be ordered from this page.

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Caring for the Carer

An Excerpt from The Alzheimer's Sourcebook, A Practical Guide for Getting Through the Day, by Frena Gray-Davidson

    However overstressed you are right now, you can immediately begin to change the way in which you are living your life. The first step in doing this is to recognize that you have a supreme responsibility to take care of yourself first. If you do not take care of yourself, you cannot be a good carer. If you do not take steps to deal with your stress, then your stress will deal with you. It does not feel very natural to put yourself first when you have been used to looking after someone else and putting that other person first.

    It may feel selfish or just plain impossible, or you may not know how to put yourself first. After all, you still have that other person totally needing your care. How could you possibly put yourself first? This often unanswered question is the center of the Alzheimer carer's real problem. It is not that caring in itself has to be so stressful. It is that disregarding one's own needs causes the stress.

    You can do better by acknowledging that you do need help from outside and planning your campaign for obtaining it. Take each day and its obligations and make a list of them. Then assess how you can get more help. If you do not sleep through the night, can you get a relative to relieve you of your night-time duties? Can you afford help in the house? Have you looked into the day-care programs in your area? Do you know where local respite care services are?

    Getting assistance also means asking family members to give more practical help. Often, family members resist suggestions to help because they are vague. It is harder for a family member to evade when you say, "I want to go to that painting class I told you about. Will you come over on Wednesday evenings for the next six weeks and sit with your dad? " At least, such a direct question tells you exactly what you are up against if you get the answer 'no'.

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