Friends; Raping Friends--Could It Happen to You?

Contents

Introduction
How Does Date Rape Usually Occur?
What Are the Causes of Date Rape?
Seduction vs. Rape
What You Can Do to Avoid Situations That Might Lead to Date Rape
Real Men Don't Rape
Danger Signals: Watch Out for These Men
What Should You Do If Someone Tries to Force Sexual Activity on You?
What To Do If You Are Raped
What Are the Effects of Date Rape?
Family and Friends: How to Help
Legal Implications
Conclusion
Brief List of Resources
Disclaimer and Acknowledgement

Introduction

When you hear the word "rape," what do you think of? If you imagine a stranger jumping out of the bushes on a dark night and attacking someone, you are only partly right--because most rapes are not committed by strangers but by men who know their victims, who often have gone out with them previously and are supposedly their friends. This phenomenon is called "acquaintance" or "date" rape.

Acquaintance rape is forced, unwanted intercourse with a person you know. It is a violation of your body and your trust. It is an act of violence. It can be with someone you have just met, or dated a few times, or even with someone to whom you are engaged. The force involved can come from threats or tone of voice, as well as from physical force or weapons. Experts estimate that as many as 90 percent of all rapes are never reported; in those that are reported, about 60% of the victims know their assailants.(In one study by the National Center for the Prevention and Control of Rape, 92% of adolescent rape victims said they were acquainted with their attackers. Reported in Newsweek, April 9, 1984) Of these, women 15 to 25 years old are the majority of victims.(McDermott, Joan, Rape Victimization in 26 American Cities, 1979. Washington, DC: U.S. Dept. of Justice as cited in Pauline B. Bart and Patricia H. O'Brien, Stopping Rape, Pergamon Press, NY, 1985, p. 131)

In 1985, Mary Koss, a professor at Kent State University, surveyed approximately 7,000 students on thirty-two campuses on behalf of Ms. magazine and found that one in eight women were the victims of rape. One in every twelve men admitted to having forced a woman to have intercourse or tried to force a woman to have intercourse through physical force or coercion; that is, admitted to raping or attempting to rape a woman. Virtually none of these men, however, identified themselves as rapists. Similarly, only 57% of the women who had been raped labeled their experience as rape; the other 43% had not even acknowledged to themselves that they had been raped.(As cited in Ellen Sweet, "Date Rape. The Story of an Epidemic and Those Who Deny It," Ms., October 1985, p. 56)

Date rape occurs on virtually all campuses, small or large, private or public, rural or urban. Unfortunately, it cannot always be prevented. The more you know about it, however, the more likely it is that you can avoid being put in a situation where it could occur. You can learn the early warning signs and how to react to them. The majority of men are not rapists but some are. In this booklet we hope to show you what to watch out for, why it occurs, and what to do should it happen to you or a friend. Thinking and talking about acquaintance rape and what you might do if you find yourself in a bad situation can increase your chances of avoiding rape.

Because the overwhelming majority of rapes are committed by men, we will refer throughout this booklet to the rapist as "he" and the victim as "she." We will use "acquaintance rape" and "date rape" interchangeably.

How Does Date Rape Usually Occur?

Date rapes typically occur when a woman is alone with a man. If you go to a man's room or apartment or even get into his car alone, you are vulnerable. Date rapes can occur when others are relatively close by; for example, they can take place in an upstairs bedroom while fifty people are attending a party on the first floor.

Alcohol and drugs are sometimes a significant factor in date rape. Many victims say later that they drank too much or took too many drugs to realize what was going on; by the time they realized their predicament, it was too late. Sometimes a woman passes out and awakens to find a man having sex with her. On the other hand, some date rapes occur when alcohol is not involved or when the victim has had little or nothing to drink but the man has been drinking and becomes sexually aggressive.

Mixed signals are another element in date rape. The woman acts in a friendly manner; the man interprets this friendliness as an invitation to have sex. "No" is heard as "maybe" and even a strong protest can be ignored under the delusion that women say "no" when they mean "yes." Some men find it sexually exciting to have a woman struggle. If the woman protests only mildly, the man may think he is merely "persuading" her, not forcing her to have sex (He may think the same, however, even if she protests vigorously.) Sometimes a woman is not clear in her own mind about what she wants or she may think she will make up her mind as she goes along. If she changes her mind at some point and decides not to have sex, the man can feel cheated, rejected, and angry. He may be interpreting her nonverbal messages, such as her enjoyment of kissing and caressing, as meaning that she wants to have sex with him. At this point he may decide he has been teased or misled and "deserves" to get some satisfaction, regardless of the woman's wishes. The result can be rape.

Although acquaintance rape is often a spontaneous act, many are planned, some days in advance, others in the preceding hour(s). Sometimes men plan to have sex with a woman even if they have to force the issue. These men have typically forced sex before and gotten away with it. They usually look for victims who are unassertive--perhaps someone who is not very popular and would be flattered to go on a date with him. Needless to say, these men do not see themselves as repeat rapists; they are merely "out to have a good time."

What Are the Causes of Date Rape?

There is no one direct cause of date rape. Although there are usually three key elements involved, socialization, miscommunication, and/or changing sexual mores, one major reason for date rape is a lack of consideration for a woman's rights and wishes. In a general sense, traditional male and female roles in society are part of the problem. Men are taught at a very early age to be aggressors; they participate in aggressive team sports, are encouraged to be competitive, not to give up, to keep on trying. They are encouraged to have strong sexual feelings and to experiment with their sexual satisfaction as a part of their masculinity. This environment which encourages men to be competitive and get what they want often leads to a belief in the "right to have sex." Women on the other hand are socialized to be more passive, dependent, to be peacemakers, to avoid scenes, to be "lady-like." They are discouraged from experimenting with their sexuality: "Good girls don't fool around." The double standard allows men to have sexual feelings and act on them; in contrast, a woman is allowed to be sexual primarily when she becomes "carried away" with emotion.

Communication between men and women is often problematical, especially in the realm of sex. Especially in a first sexual encounter with someone, some women may say "no" when they mean "maybe" or even "yes," and men have been taught to try to turn that no/maybe into a yes. Thus, it is sometimes hard for men to know when "no" really does mean "no." Women on the other hand, don't want to agree to sex too readily for fear they will be seen as "loose" or "easy." Misperceptions abound; a woman thinks she is merely being friendly, but her date thinks she's signaling willingness to have sex. Furthermore, stereotypes about women as passive and submissive can also foster a climate for sexual assaults.

The last few decades have seen a general loosening of sexual standards. With the advent of the birth control pill, many people are sexually active at younger ages than previously, including many college-age women and men. Thus, many college-age men may expect sex as a given after they have gone out with someone a few times. Sometimes the woman shares this expectation, but sometimes she does not. Some men believe they are entitled to sex when they have spent money on a date. Others may believe that if a woman is sexually active, she will willingly have sex with anyone, including him.

Acquaintance rape, however, is not simply a crime of passion, or merely a result of miscommunication. It is, instead, often an attempt to assert power and anger. Some men are sexually aggressive because they are basically insecure. Forcing sex on another person makes them feel strong because it makes someone else feel weak. Rape is violence against a woman. It is an issue that strikes at the heart of the personal relationship between a man and a woman, how they treat each other, arid how they respect each other's wishes. People who respect others do not coerce others to do things they do not want to do.

Seduction vs. Rape

One of the key questions in the issue of date rape is the difference between seduction and rape: the man feels he has merely seduced a woman, the woman feels that she was raped. A useful distinction to keep in mind is that seduction involves no force, implied or otherwise. Seduction occurs when a woman is manipulated or cajoled into agreeing to have sex; the key word is "agreeing." Acquaintance rape often occurs when seduction fails and the man goes ahead and has sex with the woman anyway, despite any protests and without her agreement.

What You Can Do to Avoid Situations That Might Lead to Date Rape

You can't always avoid date rape. Nevertheless, there are some things you can do to minimize your chances of being raped.

• Examine your feelings about sex. Many women have been socialized to believe that sex means that they will be swept away with the emotion of the moment or that they can "make out" and then decide whether to say "yes" or "no" to sex later. The problem with this kind of thinking is that it gives too much control to the other person.
• Set sexual limits. It is your body, and no one has the right to force you to do anything you do not want to do. If you do not want someone to touch you or kiss you, for example, you can say "Take your hands off me," or "Don't touch me," or "If you don't respect my wishes right now, I'm leaving." Stopping sexual activity doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you, or that you're not a "real" woman.
• Decide early if you would like to have sex. The sooner you communicate firmly and clearly your sexual intentions the easier it will be for your partner to hear and accept your decision.
• Do not give mixed messages; be clear. Say "yes" when you mean "yes" and say "no" when you mean "no." (The ability to be assertive can be developed by training and practice)
• Be alert to other unconscious messages you may be giving. Men may interpret your behavior differently from what you intended. Often women and men send strong nonverbal signs of willingness to enter a sexual relationship and unintentional signals that might conflict with their words, and thereby contribute to sexual assault. Be aware of signals you send with your posture, clothing, tone of voice, gestures, and eye contact.
• Be forceful and firm. Do not worry about not being "polite." Often men interpret passivity as permission; they may ignore or misunderstand "nice" or "polite" approaches. Say something like "Stop this. I'm not enjoying it," or "Your behavior is not encouraging an open relationship between us." If a woman ignores sexual activity she does not like, a man is likely to interpret that as tacit approval for him to continue. Men are not mind readers.
• Be independent and aware on your dates. Do not be totally passive. Do have opinions on where to go. Do think about appropriate places to meet (not necessarily at your room or his), and, if possible, pay your own way or suggest activities that do not cost any money.
• Do not do anything you do not want to just to avoid a scene or unpleasantness. Women have been socialized to be polite. In an effort to be nice, they may be reluctant to yell or run away or escape being attacked. Do not be raped because you were too polite to get our of a dangerous situation. If you are worried about hurting his feelings, remember, he is ignoring your feelings. Be aware of how stereotypes about women may affect your behavior. Accepting beliefs that "women shouldn't express themselves strongly" or that "anger is unfeminine" make women more vulnerable.
• Be aware of specific situations in which you do not feel relaxed and in charge. Unwillingness to acknowledge a situation as potentially dangerous and reluctance to appear oversensitive often hold women back from responding in the interest of their own safety. For example, avoid attending or staying late at parties where men greatly outnumber women. Don't be afraid to leave early because it might seem rude. Situations where there are few women around can quickly get out of hand.
• If things start to get out of hand, be loud in protesting, leave, go for help. Do not wait for someone else to rescue you or for things to get better. If it feels uncomfortable, leave quickly.
• Trust your gut-level feelings. If you feel you are being pressured you probably are, and you need to respond. If a situation feels bad, or you start to get nervous about the way your date is acting, confront the person immediately or leave the situation as quickly as possible.
• Be aware that alcohol and drugs are often related to acquaintance rape. They compromise your ability (and that of your date) to make responsible decisions. If you choose to drink alcohol, drink responsibly. Be able to get yourself home and do not rely on others to "take care" of you.
• Avoid falling for such lines as "You would if you loved me." If he loves you, he will respect your feelings and will wait until you are ready.
• If you are unsure of a new acquaintance, go on a group or double date. If this is not possible, meet him in a public place and have your own transportation home.
• Have your own transportation, if possible, or taxi fare. At least for the first few dates, this establishes your independence and makes you appear to be a less vulnerable target.
• Avoid secluded places where you are in a vulnerable position. This is especially critical at the beginning of a relationship. Establish a pattern of going where there are other people, where you feel comfortable and safe. This will give you a chance to get to know your date better and decide if you wish to continue dating him.
• Be careful when you invite someone to your home or you are invited to his home. These are the most likely places where acquaintance rapes occur.
• Examine your attitudes about money and power. If he pays for the date does that influence your ability to say "no"? If so, then pay your own way or suggest dates that do not involve money.
• Think about the pros and cons of dating much older men. Although they may be sophisticated and have the money to treat you well, they may also be more sexually experienced and may therefore expect more sooner.
• Socialize with people who share your values. If you go out with people who are more sexually permissive than you are, you may be perceived as sharing those values.

Remember...

It is possible to be aware without being afraid; to take responsibility for your own behavior without being a prude; to request that others not violate your space and your privacy without putting them down.
--When 'No' is Not enough, Date Rape on the College Campus, pamphlet, Auburn University, AL

Real Men Don't Rape

Real men accept the responsibility to not harm another person.

• It is never OK to force yourself on a woman, even if
• she teases you
• dresses provocatively or leads you on
• she says "no" and you think she means "yes"
• you've had sex before with her
• you've paid for her dinner or given her expensive gifts
• you think women enjoy being forced to have sex or want to be persuaded
• the woman is under the influence of alcohol or drugs
• Rape is a crime of violence. It is motivated primarily by desire to control and dominate, rather than by sex. It is illegal.
• If you are getting a double message from a woman, speak up and clarify what she wants. If you find yourself in a situation with a woman who is unsure about having sex or is saying "no," back off. Suggest talking about it.
• Do not assume you know what your partner wants; check out your assumptions.
• Be sensitive to women who are unsure whether they want to have sex. If you put pressure on them, you may be forcing them.
• Do not assume you both want the same degree of intimacy. She may be interested in some sexual contact other than intercourse. There may be several kinds of sexual activity you might mutually agree to share.
• Stay in touch with your sexual desires. Ask yourself if you are really hearing what she wants. Do not let your desires control your actions.
• Communicate your sexual desires honestly and as early as possible.
• If you have any doubts about what your partner wants, STOP. ASK. CLARIFY.
• Your desires may be beyond your control, but your actions are within your control. Sexual excitement does not justify forced sex.
• Do not assume her desire for affection is the same as a desire for intercourse.
• Not having sex or not "scoring" does not mean you are not a "real man." It is OK not to "score."
• A woman who turns you down for sex is not necessarily rejecting you as a person; she is expressing her decision not to participate in a single act at that time.
• No one asks to be raped. No matter how a woman behaves, she does not deserve to have her body used in ways she does not want.
• "No" means no. If you do not accept a woman's "no," you might risk raping someone whom you thought meant "yes."
• Taking sexual advantage of a person who is mentally or physically incapable of giving consent (for example, drunk) is rape. If a woman has had too much to drink and has passed out, or is not in control of herself, having sex with her is rape.
• The fact that you were intoxicated is not a legal defense to rape. You are responsible for your actions, whether you are sober or not.
• Be aware that a man's size and physical presence can be intimidating to a woman. Many victims report that the fear they felt based on the man's size and presence was the reason why they did not fight back or struggle.

Note: Men can be victims of rape and have the same rights to counseling and legal action as women do.

Danger Signals: Watch Out for These Men

Unfortunately, a nice, normal man can turn into a date rapist. However, there are some men who are more likely to be sexually aggressive than others. Watch out for:

• men who do not listen to you, ignore what you say, talk over you or pretend not to hear you. Such men generally have little respect for women and would be more likely to hear "no" as meaning "convince me."
• men who ignore your personal space boundaries.
• men who express anger or aggression towards women as individuals or in general. Hostile feelings can easily be translated into hostile acts. Such men often get hostile when a woman says "no."
• men who do what they want regardless of what you want. If a man does this in little ways--for example, if he makes all the decisions about what to do and where to go without asking your opinion--then he may also be likely to make the decision about whether you are ready to have sex with him.
• men who try to make you feel guilty, or accuse you of being "uptight" if you resist their sexual overtures.
• men who act excessively jealous or possessive.
• men who have wrong or unrealistic ideas about women (for example, "women are meant to serve men"). Such men are not likely to take your objections to sex seriously.
• men who drink heavily. A "mean drunk" can often get sexually aggressive, angry, or violent if he is rejected.

What Should You Do If Someone Tries to Force Sexual Activity on You?

• Stay calm and think. Figure out what your options are and how safe it is to resist.
• Say "no" strongly. Do not smile, do not act friendly or polite.
• Say something like "Stop it. This is rape." This might shock the rapist into stopping.
• Assess the situation. Figure out how you can escape. Are there any other people around?
• Look for an escape route. If you can figure out a way to distract him, you can sometimes escape.
• Act quickly, if possible. The longer you stay in the situation, the fewer your options.
• Ask yourself if it is safe to resist. This is a critical question. Women who fight back initially, who hit and scream, have a much higher chance of avoiding the successful completion of an assault than women who plead or try to talk their way out of the situation. Nevertheless, resistance will depend on one main question: is he armed?
• If the man is UNARMED, then you have many options, including:
• fight back physically--punch him in the Adam's apple, poke your finger in his eye, hit him with a lamp or other item, or kick him. Fight so that you can escape, as it is difficult for most women to incapacitate a man. Resistance may discourage the man or convince him that it is too much trouble to continue. Resist only as long as it is safe to do so. If resistance is dangerous, stop.
• run away. There is no shame in escaping a dangerous situation.
• say you have to use the bathroom, and then leave.
• shout "fire." If you shout "help," some people will tend not to want to be involved in someone else's problem. "Fire" concerns them and they are more likely to respond.
• use passive resistance (throw up).
• use intimidation (lie; tell him your male roommate is on the way home; tell him you have herpes or VD).
• try to talk him out of it--try to appeal to his humanity, his sense of decency.
• gain his confidence so that he might let his guard down and you can escape.
• try to get him to see you as an individual person. Make him aware of the effect he is having on you. Tell him that he is hurting you.
• If the man is ARMED, then
• try to talk him out of it.
• try passive resistance. Your options are obviously a lot more limited when the man is armed with a weapon. In those situations you are taking your life in your hands if you decide to fight back. It may be possible to run away, if he is distracted, but only do this if you are reasonably sure you can get away.