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January 2
Yesterday was good, absolutely nothing got done! I searched around the net for employment info., posted some resume's and that was it. Mom didn't get up until 4:00pm and was in a terrible mood all night.

January 3
I got a little work done yesterday. I feel like 'spring' cleaning and haven't the foggiest idea why. We are waiting for snow to come here during the night and some tomorrow, it won't last though. Mom has been really good the last few days, in a good mood. I got her hearing aide batteries today and she was much happier, it sure makes a diference when she can hear, SMILE. She hasn't been recognizing many strangers lately either, I'm happy about that. Today is my brother Don's 64th B'day and my d-i-l Melody's 27th B'day. We are going to call Don again so mom can talk to him, she remembers that it is his birthday!

January 4
I got out of the house for a few hours yesterday and it sure did feel nice. I went to my Melody's folks house for cake and ice cream and to set them up with ICQ, Danny watched mom for me. She is doing pretty well lately, of course she is still very confused and did get angry with me for not being home but she calmed down after awhile. We watched a movie after I got back and she went to bed at midnight smiling.

January 5
Yesterday was a totally lazy day for me. I laid around all day and really did nothing. Mom didn't get up until nearly 4:00 pm so I took the day off. I read a little, wrote a little, watched t.v. some and took a nap. Mom was in a good mood when she got up and stayed in one all night. She was excitied about how big the puppies have gotten and really wants to keep one if 'they' will let her, but then she doesn't know how she would get it home so maybe she won't keep one. At any rate she is still confused by a happy camper right now, she went to bed at midnight without trouble.

January 6
Yesterday was a pretty typical day, however last night was strange. As some of you know, those that have been reading my journal for awhile, mom stopped taking her medication quite some time ago. Last night she asked me if I had noticed any improvement in her since she stopped, I told she that I had - she has become more social, less lethargic, more independant and more verbal. She said that she could tell a difference too but thought it might all be in her head. She went on to tell me that she could count again and her spelling had improved, she showed me..She counted to 50 forward and backward with no problem, did her abc's and had me quiz her on different words to spell and she got them all correct. I did mention to her that whle these things had indeed improved, she still had a lot of confusion regarding where she is, who is with her, the year/date, etc..and she said she was aware of this but alot of times it is because of her dreams (ironic, since Alz list has just been getting postings about this), she says it is hard to shake them sometimes because they are so real and her headaches don't help much either. Occurances like this give me pause to wonder, Does she or doesn't she??

January 7
Any a mount of 'wonder' I may have had is gone again. Mom was very strange again yesterday. Drifting in and out between knowing her surroundings, who we are, to wondering why her mom hasn't come to see her, why I didn't publish her obituary etc... Then she asked to play cards because she is bored, decides she doesn't want to, then wants to play fetch with the dog. By the time she is ready for bed at midnight, she is barely able to walk, stepping in place mostly and very aggitated. I know it sounds mean but I really wish she would be one way or the other, not bouncing back and forth. The good periods raise my hopes, then the bad ones are back to destroy them again. I guess after all this time I should be used to it, but..

A friend of mine wrote this poem for the ALZ list. It released me of the tears I had been holding in..This is my way of saying , Thank You Jerry.

A ROOM FULL OF TEARS

I visited a room the other day,
In the back of my mind, well tucked away.
No one was there as I opened the door.
An empty room, but wait, there was more.
But just what it was, I could not tell,
And yet, I sensed that all was not well.
My spirit was troubled and it seemed to shout,
"Too long I've been captive, please, let me out!"
There in the darkness I struggled to see,
Trying to grasp what was troubling me.
I told myself that I'm tough and I'm strong,
But a voice spoke softly, "That's where you're wrong."
"You tell yourself, 'I can handle it all.
'No matter what happens, I must stand tall.'
"Let go of your pride and admit that you hurt.
"The pain that you feel, don't try to skirt.
"You're not alone with this illness you face.
"There are so many others who are in the same place.
"And rest assured, that they're frightened too,
"In so many ways, they're no different than you.
"Let go and reach out, take hold of their hands,
"No longer alone, but together you'll stand."
And then there was peace, and I wept as it came,
I knew that no longer would I be the same.
Then I saw a small sign, neglected for years.
The sign said this…is a Room Full of Tears.

©1998, Jerry Ham

January 8
Mom had me up all night last night again. She was so nervous and anxious. She didin't know where she was, where I was, although I was right there with her, she didn't want to stay here because she was needed at home. She had been sleeping when I checked on her at midnight, but come 12:45 she was lost. She was in a cold sweat with obvious signs of anxiety. She had to get dressed and packed up her most favorite things in a paper sack. I didn't try to persuade her that she was here, home etc.. I just went with her thoughts. I explained to her that she had missed the train and would need to take the next one which didn't come for hours, I said that I had called her home to let them know this and they would be waiting at the station for her. Thank God I have two phone lines because she wanted to talk to her daughter. OK, I called me on the other line and gave her the phone, when I answered you could see her face light up, she too 'let me know' what had happened and I asured that all was ok here at home and I would pick her up. After all this she agreed to lay down at 7:00 this morning and wait for the train. What happened between midnight and 12:45 to upset her so? I believe it was a dream, she was in REM when I checked on her!

January 9
Mom slept off and on all day yesterday, not getting out of bed until almost 5:00pm. She was much better when she got up, no more of the trembling, cold sweats. She was still very confused but was able to talk through it. She went back to bed around midnight, after having had an accident and slept through the night. Her bi-annual visiting nurse is coming today, that should be interesting.

January 10
Mom's nurse was very impressed with her yesterday. Her B/P was great, her mental alertness was much better than 6 months ago, her heart rate was good and her sense of humor was wonderful. If only the nurse could be around more often. *SMILE* Mom was in a good mood yesterday though, no combativeness or aggrevation. I had my grand-daughter Kali here all day, she and granny played and watched cartoons a lot, it wore mom out! I am so happy that the girls will have some good memories of granny. We are going to call my Uncle Dick tonight, mom's brother, he is 16 months younger than mom and he has been on her mind often lately.

January 11
Well, we have had 3inches snow so far and are expecting 3-6 more over night. Mom is so happy about it. It reminds her of being home in Wisconsin when she was a kid, she says she is going to get me tomorrow in the daylight, with snow balls, if I will help her get outside. *Smile* We laughed at this comment. I made a chocolate cake and frosting tonight, boy did mom enjoy it, she had two big pieces and had frosting all over her face, well mouth at least, she looked so cute. We rented movies, watched them, ate popcorn and watched it snow until 3:30 this morning, I just got mom to bed! She enjoyed herself tonight though and I enjoyed being with her. It was a fun night. My dogs love the snow and were playing and sliding all over, mom started laughing at them and said that would be her too, she darn near pee'd her pants.

January 12
Round two is here, we got 12 inches of snow total and more is coming today. Mom is loving it. She was telling me about a time when she lived in Wisconsin, they went to sleep and woke up to find that snow had covered the front door. Grandpa had to climb out through the attic window in order to dig them out. She and Uncle Dick had great fun playing and sleding behind grandpa. They had a house on the banks of Lake Michigan at the time and went ice skating on it, Uncle Dick kept falling and finally just sat down. He was sorry for that later because he got frost bite on his butt and grandma had to warm him up on the wood stove and it hurt. She was laughing when she was telling me this. When they were done for the day they went home to find grandma had homemade hot chocolate, cinnamon rolls, buns and stew ready and waiting for them.

January 13
We were without electricity most of the night and day because of all the freezing rain. Mom got really scared. I had put her to bed about an hour before they went out, she wasn't sleeping yet and worried that something had happened to her lamp (it is on all night), I took her in a candle because she was getting up and her room was pitch black, the candle made things worse for her because she had been in a terrible house fire when she was little, I removed the candle and told her to promise she would stay in bed, covered up tight because it was very cold, she did and finally feel asleep.She didn't get up until 1:00 pm and was happy to see it raining but sad that the snow was leaving too.

January 14
It was great when the lights came back on. I was so worried about mom getting sick without heat, but I had her covered up pretty good. She said she felt like a mummy and was glad she could get out from under them. She stayed up until midnight and we had a good time. Mom promised me that she would take a bath today and soak her her feet so I could do her toenails, GOD they are long. I am going to try to hold her to it if I can get her up early enough. She won't take a shower at all if it is too late, she never would bathe if it was dark out. Wonder what happened to her to make her afraid like that.

January 15
Still no shower for mom, I wish she would just take one but she refuses and I'm not going to force her. I will try to get her to just soak her feet today so I can cut her nails. At least she lets me sponge bathe her. She was pretty aggitated all evening, she didn't get up until 5:00pm and was yelling because she missed lunch. I told her I had gone in and woke her up and that she wouldn't get up, of course she doesn't believe that, no sense in arguing with her. She never did really calm down much, she actually started getting rude at bedtime. Today will be better.

January 16
Mom was much better yesterday. She was happy that we had finally arrived at Grandma's place, sorry she wasn't here though, but still happy. She stayed in a good mood all day, talking about things from the past, good and bad, she actually seemed to be reliving them. She went to bed at 10:30, on her own.

January 17
Mom is going through one of her cycles again, being nice one minute, very rude the next. No pleasing her right now, so I am not going to try. Danny finally got a job, he started yesterday, part time. I am glad to have him out of the house even for a few hours. He has gotten out of hand with the computer and chat rooms, giving out my phone number and address to girls he meets there. This is the second and last time we get into an arguement about it though. He is done with the computer, period.. Having him here was suppose to be of some help but it has become more of a hassel than anything. I think it has to do with mom's attitude also, she doesn't even like being around him because he is always so short with her. Oh well, some of us are caregivers, some are not and he is NOT..He is off tomorrow so I am taking mom out to lunch, come hell or high water!! Probably be high water though with all the rain we have had.

January 18
I was really worried about mom yesterday and last night. She just didn't want to get out of bed all day, which is not unusal for her but, she does get up for dinner, she wouldn't even do that. She began complaining about her chest feeling very heavy and aching, not hurting, just aching. Her breathing became labored and her pulse was very shallow, she got very pale and was sweating profusely, no tempertature. She thought she might feel better if she got up, she wasn't able to stand, her legs buckled under her. I got her back into bed and there she stayed. She has congestive heart disease but, she also has an Advance Health Directive. Having her DPOA, I am ready to allow things to happen as she requested, as her daughter I am not.

January 19
Today has not been a good one. I have just come from my doctor and, well, I need to take the rest of this month off. It is nothing serious, life threatening or anything of that sort. Just too much stress, high blood pressure and a history of heart problems that has my doctor telling me to take time off and take it easy for awhile. I really sould have listened to all my 'NET' friends when they told me to start taking care of myself too, YES Pedro, you may say I told you so. *SMILE* Better late than never I guess. I will not be updating my journal until February 1st. I will be checking my email but not answering it right away so please continue with your mail. The entire site will be updated with all additional 'ADD ME' requests and ICQ/IRC numbers when I get back. Please do take care of yourselves and know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers.. Sincerely, Denise

January 27
Just thought I would let you all know that I am alive and well. I am feeling much better, the days off have really helped. I have not been able to get help with mom but, she has been pretty good through all of this, seems like a sort of hidden intuition on her part. I greatly appreciate all the emails of support, concern, jokes and love. I will be answering all of them this week. Take care, see ya soon.

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