October - 1999
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October 2 It has also been a month of transition for me. My mind and body are doing great now, although I still have some of the left over side effects of the chemo. I have come to the conclusion that for my sake, as well as my mothers that I must place her in an Adult Foster Home or Nursing Home. While I am feeling well, I also feel very fatigued after doing an "allnighter" with her which takes me a full day to recover from. I do not feel confident in my physical strength anymore, mom has fallen/gone down so many times lately and it is all I can do to get her up again. Once I do I must get myself sat down because I begin to shake from the exertion of it all. She has also markedly declined in her cognitive abilities, she can no longer follow simple instructions, plays with her food unless she is constantly being cued to eat it and she definately does not know where she is at anytime. She may be aware of having been in this house before but that is the extent of it. She still doesn't recognize me, although that could be from my baldness still. I do feel that this move will be the best for mom and myself. I can't seem to care for the both of us as I should anymore and really think that if I continue with mom they will bury me first. The stress of caring for her is placing a burden on me and NOT SMOKING too. I haven't had a smoke since March 5th (day of diagnosis) and haven't craved them either, however, now I am craving them all over again. I haven't given to it but the fear is there that I will, I even got hypnotize Thursday in a desperate idea it would help. Thus my reasons for placing for mom. I guess I am saying all this as a means of justifying it to myself, I do feel so guilty about but then again I don't. Four and a half years I have cared for her now I must care for me. I am so happy to be BACK. I have my friends again whom I have missed so much, I also have my life line back, those of you that are 'have been here and done this' know what I mean.
October 3rd
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October 25th October 28th
October 31st
Boy this has been a trying month... My heart absolutely fell when I went into update my site and it was gone. I didn't think I'd ever get back and of course I hadn't saved all of my files for it either, I did so little with it while I was going through the chemo and radiation that I forgot. Thank goodness Geocities thinks they can restore some of my files for me.
After another all night session with mom I decided to get her up early today, keep her awake and she’d sleep tonight. With the help of grand-daughters we had her up by 2:00 p.m. and the girls made sure she stayed awake, believe me. Mom stayed in a relatively good mood most of the night but come bed time she was terrible. She had gone poop in her pants and would not get them changed, then when I got her to her room she didn’t want to change any of her clothes. She did finally and had to be washed up also which she hated, she slugged me in the head again, called me a few choice names then just shut up, got into bed and said good night to me and thanks for everything. What a miserable couple days we have had.
After getting hit in the eye(blackened even) I got mom to bed. I jinxed myself, thinking she would sleep all night. Mom got up at 3:00 a.m., went to her chair and began cussing because it was cold, well she only had on her night shirt. I got her back to bed and she was oh so happy to be back in her nice warm bed, until 4:15 that is. LOL. Up again but this time only to use the potty and back to bed for her and me. I got her up at noon today but she didn't want to stay up, of course, so I let her sleep until 3:00 then up with her. She did pretty good all afternoon now to get her to bed without getting the other black.
I was so tired last night I couldn’t update. Mom had been up off and on all the night before night but so was my son Robert, he has a very badly infected molar for which he is to have surgery tomorrow to remove it. You might know that because I was so tired I’d have a hard time getting to sleep. I’m suppose to go groceries today but I think we will just have hot dogs tonight instead. When the kids were little and they’d ask what we were having for dinner, if I knew they would complain about it I’d tell them they have two choices, 1. Take it, 2. Leave it, guess that is how I feel today too.
Today was a pretty good day. I was able to do groceries and get out for awhile. Robert was home from work today because of his oral surgery and extraction so mom was in good hands, of course she didn’t get up until dinner time. I realize that her hours of awake time are getting shorter and shorter which I have come to understand is a normal progression of the disease but it sure is hard to deal with, she may even be getting back into her cycle of sleeping for days like she has numerous times before. I am most likely going to be selling my house the first of the year, I have worked out finances well enough to allow me stay here a bit longer so the urgency isn’t there now. I am happy that I/we have one more holiday season here, it always looks so nice with the lights up and tree trimmed. Most of all I am glad that I am here for yet another.
Yesterday was one of those day that no one wants to relive let alone write about, so I didn’t. Today was somewhat better although mom had the entire house awake at 3:15 a.m., I didn’t get to sleep until after 6:00 this morning. Robert stayed home this afternoon so Crystal and I could go to a baby shower which was fun, after I got dinner ready for everyone I went up to my friend Joyce’s house for a few hours too, she got some beautiful carpet installed yesterday. I just made a fresh pot of coffee also, so I can keep up with mom tonight, I’m sure she won’t be ready for until late since she refused to get up until nearly 6:00 tonight.
It is 11:31 p.m. and mom just finished her dinner. She didn’t get out of her bed until 10:00 tonight, soaked through even the bed. I tried to get her up all day long but no she wouldn’t get up then she tells me it is my fault she wet. I imagine if I am lucky I will get to bed around 7:00 in the morning, hooray! Another wasted day.
It’s official, mom goes into the Park Royal Nursing Home this Friday. It is a really nice place and the administrator is an old friend of mine, I have to meet with her tomorrow morning to pick out mom’s room and roommate, she gets to have her ‘chair’ too. The home is directly behind a restaurant that mom and I always have gone to and something that she recognizes so it will be convenient to take her there for lunch or dinner sometimes. Last night helped me make up my mind to this and not procrastinate any longer, I finally got us to bed at 6:45 this morning, when Robert got up at 8:00 he came in and told me that Granny was dressed sitting in the living room, I was so tired that I didn’t even go out there until 10:30; she was still sitting there watching t.v. I didn’t get her to take a nap until 3:00 and only then because she was falling asleep in the chair, I’m not going to wake her because I am sure she will sleep through the night considering she hasn’t slept in two days. I am so tired that my legs and arms keep shaking and my back is killing me. My big plans for the first weekend of my very own????? SLEEP!
I went to the NH today and picked out mom's room, as they go it is a good one and has room for her chair and t.v. I think I am losing my nerves to place her, I cried all the way home. When I did get home I got her up without any trouble and did her toe nails. She has Foo Man Shoo nails, they could really hurt someone if she kicked them bare foot, as I was doing her feet she kept telling me how I am the only one that she would let do this because she knew I wouldn't hurt her after all the years I have been doing it. I appreciate the compliment but would gladly give the honors to someone else. SMILE. I am washing all of her stuff right now to make sure it is ready, I feel like I am sending my kid off to Camp Krystal Lake.
The lady from Adult Aging Services was here today to reevaluate mom and said she couldn't get approval until Monday so mom won't be leaving Friday. I makes me crazy to know that 'THEY' have to approve of the placement before it can go through, who are 'THEY' anyway. 'They' don't have to change her when she has an accident or get hit by her or stay up for hours because she isn't tired or won't go to bed, yet 'THEY' have final decision. 'They' told me that if mom wasn't willing to go to a NH then she wouldn't be going to, one no matter what I wanted, thank God mom is o.k. with this even though she doesn't totally understand everything. I felt like telling 'THEM' fine, I will just sell my house, buy a motor home and care for her until it kills me then she would have to go into one. I explained to her that I am not real healthy just yet and can't care for her as well as she should be cared for so she has to go to the NH at least for awhile, maybe until I get my strength back and she understood that, besides she is going to get PT while she is there to help with her hips, something I can't physically do for her right now. "THEY' sure don't try to make the transition any easier either, "She doesn't seem THAT bad", what is that suppose to do, make me feel less guilty? Enough of my ranting and raving.
I got a call Thursday from the appraiser letting me know he would be out Friday at 1:00, boy did I hurry up and get things done around here. I won’t know how it went until sometime next week though. Mom is still doing her up at night stuff and I’m still yawning all day. I actually can’t wait for Monday to get here, not because I want her out but because I can use the break pretty bad now.
Well today is the day mom goes to the NH. I spent yesterday getting her stuff put together; clothes, pictures and misc. stuff that would make her feel more at home I hope. She got a very spoiled bath too, I warmed the bath extra warm for her, put her bath sheet and blanket in the dryer to be warm also and lit the gardenia candles and warmed her body lotion. She went right to bed afterwards and still hasn’t moved. I am going to wake her up pretty soon and get her ready to go although I still don’t know when I can take her. I am so apprehensive about this move but I am going through with it, even if it doesn’t last, at least then I will know deep inside whether I can handle it or not and how she does with it, I am hoping that she will get involved with the activities there and perhaps socialize.
Boy my heart got crushed yesterday. I knew it was going to be a difficult day for mom and me but I wasn’t really prepared for mom’s reaction. I expected her to be upset about going and having to stay, the ‘Please don’t leave me here’, ‘I want to go home’ stuff but I didn’t get that, she fit right in! The first thing she did was joke around with the nurse about dancing, made sure she knew that the room was very pretty and just carried on like she had been there forever, not even mentioning HOME except for me getting her clothes brought down for her and wondering how long she would be gone. When I went back with her stuff she was out cruising the halls in an empty wheelchair she took possession of, making friends with the staff not residents, at least not yet. I did tell them that a few days in the chair would be fine, getting to know her way around etc. but that she is ambulatory with her walker and I wanted her to use it. I called to check on her last night around 8:00 and she was fine, sitting there at the nurses station talking with the aide and getting ready to go to her room for bed. They all like her so much and say how sweet and energetic she is, this is true but just wait until a bad day hits her. I really am happy that everything went so smoothly but it did hurt for her to not even care. Oh yeah, they said she is in first stage AD.
Mom has adjusted just fine to the NH. I took over her chair this evening and she didn't have time to visit me because she had to go make sure her friend was eating dinner so I didn't stay long. She is getting up in the mornings, eatin three meals a day and sleeping through the night, although it has only been two nights so far. I am so happy that she is doing good there, it makes it easier on me. Now to figure out what my LIFE is suppose to be.
I haven’t been online for awhile because I haven’t been feeling that good, the flu I guess. A friend gave me some carpeting last week and Hollie had his friend install it for me in my bedroom Thursday, it sure feels nice to put your feet on something warm instead of COLD tiles. I have rearranged and cleaned mom’s room really good in order to start painting it. I didn’t get to before because the fumes would have been too much for mom but it sure does need it. She sure is doing great at the NH, I never imagined that she would adapt so quickly. She gets along great with the other residents and the staff just love her to bits, she has made friends that she eats her meals with too. She roams the entire place, occasionally returning with some item that she has ‘picked’ up somewhere, it gets returned to it’s rightful owner however.
Well, I found out why my knee has been hurting so bad, I have a severed meniscus and am to have surgery on the 29th of Nov. unless there is a cancellation before then. I also found out why my car had been shaking and bumping so badly the past few days, the front passenger and rear driver tires separated so I had to buy two new ones today; if not for the near collision I had today coming home from the doctors I wouldn’t of taken it in to be checked. I didn’t get to see mom as I had planned but I did call and talked with her, she was fine with me not coming today in this rainy weather and besides she had to lead the sing-a-long again. It still amazes me how well she has adjusted, she has asked how much longer she had to be there but doesn’t put up a fuss when I tell her a few months yet.
Yesterday was Robert’s birthday, we had the family up for dinner and cake, it was pretty fun. My oldest boy David, went to see Granny after he got work at 4:00 p.m. and found her in bed complaining of hurting all over. I called the NH when he told me about this only to find that she had x-rays taken several hours before my call and they were waiting for the results. The nurse finally called me at 9:15 last night to tell me she had two broken toes. Now the broken toes are important, however, I am not angry about it nor do I place blame on the NH, after all mom broke a whole lot of things right here in this house and I know it wasn’t my fault but I am angry that they didn’t call me and let me know what was happening. After talking with them I don’t think it will happen again! I am on my way to see mom right now, hopefully she’ll be up and not hurting too much.
I went to see mom the other day and nothing was wrong with her feet or toes. The x-ray said possible not definate breaks so. I think it may be just mom using her regular excuses not to get up out of bed. She did complain of a sore butt, I checked it and she did have some redness starting so I told the nurse about, they were to start applying cream to it, however, this afternoon when I saw her she was in bed and complaining of her butt hurting her. Again I checked it and found terrible blisters that had busted and caused her skin to become raw. I immediately told the nurse who responsed with her patronizing voice that they had lavished her with the cream several times in the past two days and it would get better. Never once in the time she was with me did she get like this. Why is it so hard to wipe and wash another human beings butt when they obviously can't do it for themselves.