Forgiveness, by John Canine Ed.D., Ph.D. As I was going through the grief process, there were individuals who offended me, how can I truly forgive someone who has offended me? "Since nothing we intend is ever faultless, and nothing we attempt ever without error, and nothing we achieve without some measure of finitude and fallibility we call humaness, we are saved by forgiveness." David Augsburger Forgiveness is a wonderful word with great warmth and strength. It suggests "letting go: and action which has the power to heal and recreate. Forgiveness is an act of will that benefits the forgiver. We should all learn to forgive. Many times our choice to forgive is rooted in the consideration of the alternatives. For example, let's say that I am walking from my office to the parking lot after a hard day's work. All of a sudden a fellow employee by the name of "Jim" (hypothetical, of course) pushes me down on the ground, grabs my wallet and runs. I have truly been offended. I call the police and Jim is picked up with my wallet and the leftover money he has not spent. At this point, what are my alternatives? 1. Revenge- I can prosecute Jim to the letter of the law and seek restitution. I can also work to get him fired from his job. I could make obscene phone calls to his house. I can tell all of our mutual friends what kind of man he really is. I can make sure I am never in the same room with him or even park in the same parking lot. In essence, I can get even. However, stop and think about all of the energy, time and effort put into revenge. It almost makes me a slave to Jim and really it is not worth it. Revenge is not forgiveness.

2. Laying it aside and getting on with life-A lot of people think this is forgiveness. If I just consider the source, bury my feelings, and move on with my life, Jim's offense will go away. From a psychological standpoint, Jim's offense does not go away. It is only stored to be used to intensify the next offense (by Jim or anyone else). This is not forgiveness. These two alternatives are not helpful to the person who has been offended and wants to forgive and, in fact, these alternatives are usually chosen by people who have little, if any, compassion. What if Jim took my wallet because he has no money, his 10 children have no food, the bank is foreclosing on his house and his wife just went into the hospital with breast cancer? Maybe what Jim needs is compassion. There is a third alternative. 3. Forgiveness-Forgiveness is returning right for wrong and good for bad. The best definition I have ever read on forgiveness is: "Forgiveness means accepting the core of every human being as the same as yourself and giving them the gift of not judging them." Joan Borysenko, Ph.D.

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