"The Dance" by Garth Brooks
"I could have done without the pain ... but I'd have had to miss the dance"!
MY THOUGHTS ON FEBRUARY 18, 2001
THE FOURTH ANNIVERSARY OF RAY'S DEATH
At 1:45 this morning, CST (11:45 Saturday nite here in California), I was relaxing in a hot bath, thinking about Ray and the four years since his death. Ray was so very concerned that he would be forgotten and that his life had no meaning . . . nothing accomplished. Oh Ray, I thought, nothing could be further from the truth.
Today, this website (begun by Ray in 1996) continues to reach out to others, spreading Ray's tragic story, giving comfort and courage and information to those who seek it. This past year in particular I've received numerous Emails from people who have visited . . . thanking me, telling me their story or how the page helped them, etc. Each time I receive one I think, see Ray, you are NOT forgotten. THIS is the meaning of your life -- your accomplishment -- your legacy.
Today, I am a volunteer with the Inland Aids Project (IAP) in Riverside, California. One day a week I answer phones and help pack food bags. Within the next few weeks, I'll be visiting schools and other groups, as well as street people, sharing Ray's story and my own experiences as his wife and caregiver. What an excellent opportunity this is! Even if only one person can be saved from getting HIV/AIDS or trying "dope", this effort will be successful. But I believe many more will be influenced by Ray's story. See, Ray, you are NOT forgotten. THIS is the meaning of your life -- your accomplishment -- your legacy.
Something very special happened just before Christmas. My current husband, Jim, asked me if IAP had a website. It turned out that they have a domain name but no site . . . yet. I had thought about setting up a site for them, but Jim beat me to it. He has volunteered his time and talents to IAP in memory of Ray! Even Jim as been positively affected by Ray. Jim is a professional, and the site will truly be outstanding. See, Ray, you are NOT forgotten. THIS is the meaning of your life -- your accomplishment -- your legacy.
I continue to talk about Ray when and to who ever will listen. Friends have asked if they can help me work on Ray's quilt, and we are setting up a "quilting bee" of sorts. In memory of Ray, I have taken over responsibility for two webrings -- The World HIV Ring and The Ring of Recovery and Health. I have to be honest, I would not have done any of this if it hadn't been for Ray. He touched my heart deeply, and continues to do so every day. Yes, I have fallen in love and married again, but Ray will always have a special place in my heart that is his and his alone. When he expressed to me his fears about being forgotten and not accomplishing anything, I told him that perhaps his legacy would be his life . . . his story . . . and our love. He asked what I meant by this, and I told him that because I am a speaker and writer, I could make sure he wasn't forgotten by telling his story. He asked if HE had influenced me to do that, and I said, "YES!"
See, Ray, you are NOT forgotten. THIS is the meaning of your life -- your accomplishment -- your legacy. YOU have inspired me to do things I never would have done had we not met. When I speak or write, it is not me but YOU who are telling the story. And guess what, Ray? Doing all this has helped me, too. Along with Jim's love, it has brought an invigorating freshness to my life . . . rejuvenated me in a way I didn't think was possible. What a wonderful and remarkable man you are, Ray. And, yes, I said "are," because you will always be alive in my heart and my memories. Thank you, Ray, for the gift you have given to me and to the world. Rest peacefully in the knowledge that you gave much to a world that gave you so little.
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