What Is Rape?
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According to the Texas Penal Code, Rape is
said to be a sexual assault "if that person causes the penetration
of the anus, vagina, or mouth of another person with a sexual organ or
object, without that person's consent OR causes another person to contact
or penetrate the mouth, anus or sexual organ of another person without
their consent."
Rape is an all-American crime. It is the ultimate merging
of sex and violence. A rapist can be anyone. Rapists can be professional
men with power. They can be men of high position, good standing in their
church and in their community. They may be strangers but more often they
are people known and trusted. Although, rare, rapists can be women. The
fact is, male rapists both hate and fear women. They are incapable of having
equal relationships with women. Rapists do not like themselves very much.
They chose the crime of rape as a way to satisfy their need to dominate.
Rapists hold the Rape is an all-American crime. It is the ultimate merging
of sex and violence. A rapist can be anyone. Rapists can be professional
men with power. They can be men of high position, good standing in their
church and in their community. They may be strangers but more often they
are people known and trusted. Although, rare, rapists can be women. The
fact is, male rapists both hate and fear women. They are incapable of having
equal relationships with women. Rapists do not like themselves very much.
They chose the crime of rape as a way to satisfy their need to dominate.
Rapists hold the belief that real men can do anything they want with women.
They believe “no” means “yes.”
Rape has little to do with sex. Sex is a weapon a rapist
uses to degrade and humiliate victims in order to feel powerful and masterful
over another person. Every hour 78 womenare forcibly raped in the United
States. During each year women were the victims of more than 4.5 million
violent crimes, including approximately 500,000 rapes or other sexual assaults.
In 29 percent of the violent crimes against women by lone offenders the
perpetrators were intimates--husbands, former husbands, boyfriends or former
boyfriends.
Who Does Rape Happen To?
Rape can happen to ANYONE! Rape victims have included
women and men of all ages, ethnic groups, and income groups. So, no matter
who you are or where you live, rape CAN happen to you!
Five Main Tasks That Need to be Accomplished
To Heal
Step 1 of Healing- Impact of Rape
You are hurting, you are angry or depressed. Your life
is caving in around you and your relationships are not the same as before
the rape. Perhaps you can’t get close to those you love the most, like
you use to. Maybe you feel that you’re not a good person anymore. Perhaps
you believe that everyone who sees you knows that you were raped. The worst
thing though, is that you think you may be crazy because the rape happened
a few weeks ago, maybe a couple of months or even years ago and you think
you should be “over it” by now.
The first thing to understand is that these feelings
are normal. When you experience a rape, your thoughts are on how to survive.
No one consents to rape. No one willingly cooperates with a rapist, and
yet, to survive, you must submit to save your own life. The feeling that
remains is guilt. You feel guilty that you didn’t fight or struggle more.
You feel badly because maybe you were “looking too good.” You think that
if you had not gone to the store alone, or so late at night...or if you
had locked your window, this would not have happened.
The truth is that you had nothing to do with the rape.
You are not special in that way. Rape is a crime mostly of opportunity,
and the person who raped you knows that. In fact, most rapists take the
time to get to know the victims and to gain their confidence. They do that
because it makes it easier to commit the crime.
The first step is to acknowledge and identify how the
assault has affected your life. Your reactions are unique to you as an
individual. In every case, what you did to survive is the right thing to
have done. It was not your fault. It is important to know that the motivation
of the rapist remains the same (power and control) whether the victim is
man or woman or even adult or child. Whatever the circumstances of your
rape, it was not your fault because you had no real choice.
You will not forget what happened. Your rage will never
completely go away. It takes courage to heal- to look at what happened,
and to relive it in the telling of the experience. You CAN heal. You CAN
put the rape in perspective so that this experience does not have power
over you. It is important for you to remember that you don’t have to go
through this alone.
During the first phase of healing, rape leaves the survivor
emotionally disorganized. The survivor finds it difficult to make decisions.
Survivors are often afraid to be alone and yet crowds make them nervous.
The overriding emotion is fear.
Sleep becomes elusive. If you are able to fall asleep,
it is only a light sleep that can be interrupted by the smallest sound.
Thoughts that can’t be diverted, repressed or turned off, haunt your waking
hours.
Rape humiliates. The most precious and private parts
of your body has been violated Many survivors bathe repeatedly, trying
the only way they know to cleanse themselves. When it doesn’t work, the
anger rises because you feel powerless to help yourself. The anger may
turn inward and translated into guilt.
The second phase looks and feels as if you are making
a good adjustment. You go back to work, you resume your life as a lover,
parent and partner. You try to get back to “normal.” Typically, however,
things begin to go wrong. Your self confidence begins to lag. Things that
you felt positive about before come into question. You become unsure of
yourself.
Your energy level begins to drop and you feel tired and
want to sleep. Your ability to trust anyone or anything begins to vanish,
and anger lurks just below the surface. The dark cloud of depression grows.
Because the struggle to put the rape behind you is successful, you do not
relate the rape to the changes in your behavior.
Questions to ask yourself: Do you doubt your own abilities?
In what ways?
Are your relationships as warm and open as you want them
to be? If not, how have they changed?
Are you as good a partner, parent, student. lover, worker
as you use to be? If not, how are you different?
Step 2 of Healing- Getting Ready To Heal
Who can you tell, and where can you get support you so
desperately need? There are several options The best is to get in touch
with a rape crisis center. The big fear you have- that no one will believe
you- will come to an end. Rape crisis centers are places where people believe
survivors. They exist to support, counsel, and advocate for you. You are
normal. Sexual abuse or assault happens to one in four girls before their
eighteenth birthday and one in six boys. If a rape crisis center is not
available to you, then you must concentrate on who you can trust to give
the comfort you need as you tell your story. Some counseling centers, mental
health professionals, as well as some clergy have received special training
to deal with survivors of rape. Begin by listing those people in your life
that have a need to know. If your school work is suffering or your job
is on the line, perhaps the school counselor or your boss need to know.
Look for areas where telling a trusted person will alleviate some stresses.
Medical people need to know. There is no way that you
are responsible for what happened to you. However, you are responsible
for healing. You need protection from diseases and pregnancy, The police
can keep you safe; they can investigate and issue warrants for the rapist’s
arrest. Calling to report a rape to the police must be your decision. While
society might be better served if every survivor reported rape to the police,
this is sometimes, and for some people not a good idea. The decision is
completely your own. You will need to create a network if people you can
talk with as you begin to tell your story. If possible, choose several
on this list because as you begin the active part of healing, you will
need support at different times and not everyone is available at all times.
After you have decided who needs to know and who you
want to know, the next step is deciding when and how to tell them. You
will need to choose a time when neither you nor they will be distracted.
While none of us can predict how another person will react to the news,
most will move quickly through their own trauma over the rape and be there
to support and care for you.
Before you continue on, make a list of those people:
Who you can tell.
Who needs to know
Who you want to know
Decide on the right time to tell them
Step 3 - Feeling The Pain
The most important part of healing is to tell your story.
To do that you need knowledge and information about rape. Having the knowledge
will help you separate fact from fiction, and assist you in healing.
For some survivors there seems to be no one they can
trust to tell about the rape. You may feel isolated and ashamed of what
happened and feel you can never tell anyone about this experience. You
think friends, partners, parents or authorities will not believe you. Maybe
the rapist is your boss or someone with whom you go to school to. Who will
believe you? After all, you think, it’s your word against your rapist’s.
You must reach out and trust someone despite the risks.
As long as you keep a bad secret your life becomes contaminated
by that secret. You cannot be completely free with others because you must
always be on guard not to let the secret out. Without feedback of others,
your worst fears can grow bigger and become distorted. The fact is that
unless you find someway to express what you are thinking and feeling, you
stay trapped in the muck created by someone else’s criminal behavior.
Telling the story of what happened to you can be done
in many ways. You may choose to see a rape counselor at a rape crisis center
or at a group for survivors. You may choose a friend or relative to hear
you as you begin to share the pain of the rape. Perhaps you cannot identify
anyone right now that you want to hear your painful experience. If that
is the case, then you can put the pain into words on paper by writing the
story. Any of these ways will be helpful in healing. The point is to express
it.
Fear
What triggers the fear? Does it seem to be present all
the time? Are there special situations or places where it becomes apparent?
In telling the story, your fear will return. There are several ways of
dealing with it. First, you can perform a reality test. This means checking
out what frightens you. If you hear noises in the house or work place that
alarm you, investigate the noise to reassure yourself that you are safe.
The second thing to do is to make a list of what frightens you. On the
back of the list, make a corresponding list of what to do when you feel
that particular fear. For example, if the ringing of the doorbell or rap
on the door produces fear, then you might want to call a neighbor or friend
on the phone and ask them to hold on while you answer the door.
Conventional wisdom recommends that you face the thing
that frightens you. One woman who was raped in the park, in an act of defiance,
went back to the park alone at midnight. Both her goals were important
but there are smarter and safer ways to accomplish those goals. So, in
choosing what you can do to feel safe in a particular situation, be smart.
Do not create a further risk for yourself.
Flashbacks & Nightmares
As you begin to relive the rape, flashbacks and nightmares
are likely to appear. While you are re-experiencing the rape in some form,
you can ground yourself in the here and now. That is, you can tell yourself
that you are safe. Often dreams are a way you are trying to work out something
in your life. Just as you can control the fear brought on by flashbacks
by grounding yourself in the here and now, you can take control of the
end of the dream.
Depression
All of your emotions work for you and depression is no
different. It slows you down, it gives you time to think. What are the
unique messages in your depression? Survivors of rape find issues of guilt,
“why me?” shame, embarrassment nd stupidity make up most of the depression.
This may be the time when you can look more objectively
at the facts of the rape, and what many women are taught to believe about
their responsibility for sexual contact.
One reason for the guilt is that the rapist may have
told you that you really wanted him to rape you, that you secretly desired
it. Considering what is known about a rapist’s need to dominate and humiliate,
can you begin to see how he/she shifted the responsibility to you? Can
you see how he/she justified and rationalized his/her own actions by blaming
you?
Another reason for guilt comes out of your inability
to stop it from happening. “I should have, or I ought to have, or I wish
I had...”
Do you wonder? Do you believe it was because of something
you did or said? Do you believe that it is punishment for some bad behavior
in your past of which you are ashamed?
It is natural to look at the rape and search for your
own responsibility for it. It is what you’ve been taught to do in all areas
of your life. The difference here is that the rapist gave you no choice.
Try answering there questions:
Do I have the right to refuse to have sex with someone?
Is someone infringing on my rights when that person forces
me to have sex?
Do I need to feel shame If I really did not have a choice?
Is it reasonable to feel guilty for being the victim
of an attack?
Anger
Rape is the ultimate violation of the self, short of
murder. The effects are in some ways unique because of the self-blame.
The embarrassment of having it happen combined with the feelings of shame
and stupidity give rise to questions as to whether there are basic human
rights at all.
Now that you know that the rape wasn’t your fault- it
was his/her fault and what he/she did was to violate your human rights,
anger and rage bloom full.
Anger handled wisely produces change. That is why people
are afraid of it. The resolution of anger means challenge, change, and
becoming someone different.
Ways of Dealing With Anger
Make a list of your fears
After each fear, write down how you are going to handle
it
Give expression to your anger by working clay, drawing
pictures of it, writing about it, etc.
List you reasons for and against reporting/bringing charges
against the rapist
Step 4 - New Decisions
Take the time you need to be with the pain of the loss
of innocence. There are people who will hurt, take from you, and try to
destroy your will and spirit and you know it. There are many more who will
respect your right to your own body, who will support and protect you..
Spend time with people who support your healing process.
Step 5 - A New Life- Letting Go
Rape victims must let go and all take this step in their
own time. No one can tell you when it is your time, but as part of your
commitment to healing, it is a necessary step. Sometimes this is hardest
step to take. Letting go of the rape means you go on with your life in
healthy manner. Holding on to the pain, the anger, and the depression puts
limits on your potential growth. The rape keeps you prisoner. Letting go
of the pain restores you and enables you to reclaim your personal power.
Rape survivors would not be human if they did not feel hate. But it is
an emotion that survivors cannot afford to keep for long. Eventually hate
needs healing because it hurts you and it makes you sick.
What Letting Go is Not Forgetting.
Making the decision for a good life does not mean that
you must forget what happened. Even though you’ve made a new life, and
you’ve taken this crisis as an opportunity to grow, you will always regret
the rape itself so letting go is not forgetting what happened.
How To Let Go
Letting go happens slowly. It is a process that rarely
goes on any schedule. It is unreasonable to expect yourself not to have
anger and resentment for the painful wrong that was done to you.
What if You Know Someone Who's a Victim
of Rape?
Rape is a terrible experience for the victim (and for
her/his friends and family, too). If you know a rape victim, you may notice
she/he seems to act differently for a while--withdrawn, afraid or unsure.
You yourself may feel hurt, angry or upset.
Facts About Rape
75% of reported assaults are being committed by someone
known to the victim.
In 85% of reported child sexual abuse cases, the abuser
is someone known to the child, most often a family member.
More than 50% of rapes occur in the victim’s home.
Reports of adult men being sexually assaulted are increasing.
Some experts estimate that 1 in every 20 women have been
sexually assaulted by her father.
80% of women who work report at least one incident of
sexual harrassment.
Some Myths about Rape
If he bought dinner she "owes" him sex. Fact:
No one "owes" sex for anything.
If a woman/man doesn't fight against her attack it isn't
really rape. Fact: Any sex act forced against another person is rape. It
doesn't matter if the victim was able to fight back or not.
Husbands can't rape their wives. It's her duty. Fact:
Many battered women have also been victims of rape by their husbands.
Women cry rape because they had sex and changed their
minds. Fact: Rape is the most underreported crime in the country. Only
16% are ever reported to the police.
If it is really rape then the victim will report it immediately.
Fact: Most cases are reported soon afterwards. However; a full 25% percent
are reported more than 24 hours after the rape occurred.
Rape only happens to women. Fact: Men, and children are
also victims of rape.
Do I Have to Be Afraid of Being Attacked All The Time?
No, but you do have to be realistic. Many
rapists look for victims who are "easy marks". That means that
they look for women and men who are not careful about avoiding dangerous
situations. Since other people will not always be around to prevent a rapist
from attacking you, you have to learn to protect yourself!
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