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All rights reserved. Permission is required for use.Scott resisted going to school so much that he refused to get out of bed. He got up and dressed himself alright on the weekends, but on weekdays it was all I could do to pull clothes over his broomstick-stiff arms and legs, get socks and shoes on him, his teeth (and sometimes hair) brushed, and him out the door. It wasn't easy. I still had to chase him with a prepared toothbrush and hairbrush many times, and he manipulated to stay home a few odd days.
Watching Scotty struggle, it was apparent that my child was at risk for serious future trauma. I do not want that for my son. This was much more than simple willfulness on his part. You have to live with this kind of thing to understand it completely. I was on the verge of a breakdown over it myself. I had frequent crying spells witnessing in frustration his strange, unexplained extreme behavior. Only later would I find out Scott's problem has a name, and that we were not alone in this rut.
Anyone baffled by a child struggling through school and life, who has not experienced the Staffing, will be in for a surprise if you get one. It's likely the school will have its way with you - to save itself money. Bring an ally, and be prepared!
Beginning my search for answers I wanted to know why Scott was having certain challenges that other kids his age were essentially without. We've had a lot of emotional turmoil struggling daily to meet routine demands. My son is an Exceptional Child, as defined by educational standards, though the school and the district chose not to recognize this. He is bright, creative, and extremely perceptive, but he has some specific difficulties within the learning environment. He has been a paradox to everyone. No one knew how to propel him to succeed. And here is what actually happened when I tried to get help for him.
Anxiety! anxiety! anxiety. My breath came in shallow gasps, my mind raced an etherial maze. I felt light-headed and thought I might faint..... my heart whirred, but I had to be strong today, I had to drive the two miles to school; focus..... all my thoughts, all the strength I could collect from within..... alone, to face half a dozen persons with collective authority to determine Scott's educational status. The Special Education district's results were in. (Never do this alone!)
I sat nervously shivering, too cold; it felt like air conditioning in this tiny room and it was January! My discomfort level was highly escalated. We'd been having problems with our child's academic performance every year in school, and no one could give me a good answer for it. Please understand that there are many awkward, disturbing issues and feelings associated with this complex condition. I wished I had Chuck's hand to hold, his shoulder to be there for me, for moral support, even though we were at odds on the possibility of our son having "Attention Deficit." I have not had that support when I've needed it most.
My concern for Scott's well-being was paramount. I was sure they would have to recognize the problem this time. Every year in school, while reporting that he was well-behaved, polite and very quiet; a pleasure to have in class, Scott's teachers unknowingly alluded to A.D.D.!
Every one of them had complained that he was off task, not paying attention, not completing assignments, his written work was very poor, often illegible. He avoided group activities, continued to print instead of writing in cursive - or he switched back and forth even after many dozens of reminders; ..... he's not working up to his ability, etc., etc. These signs of A.D.D. were there all along, but nobody was reading them!
One of the attending Principals, Mr. M., made sure that everyone was introduced (protocol). The other one was 20 minutes late. Acting as "504 Coordinator" for our small school district, he leaned all the way back at the round conference/activity table to denote his authority. It seemed to me a suitable autocratic embarrassment in the student-sized chair! In his office, he's used to the big chair. So he began: "You know, I thought - that when a parent requested ADHD testing, that we had to do it. Well, I've conferred with a lawyer, (there are several of those on the School Board) and he told me NO, we don't have to do testing; we can try all other avenues first."
This was not what I had come to hear after more than five unproductive years when NOTHING WORKED! (Parents and children actually do have education rights.) Here I sat for Scott, nearly a teenager. A long record of definite academic difficulty followed him - if anyone would even look it up. (Apparently that was not the issue here.)
My focus rivetted instantly upon Mr. M. - very sharply, with precision speed as if catching the reflection of an oncoming switchblade knife. My eyes flashed wide and pierced into his with disbelief, shock; and then a sort of incredulous horror filled not only these eyes, but my whole being as the implication sunk in, and my lips fell from the control of any conscious thought. I was shocked, stunned, and appalled.... while the whites of my eyes heralded recognition of their attack. I could not even blink.
Mr. M. squirmed momentarily, hardly even acknowledging my reaction and continued his point. I've never been
confrontational with the school system before, but now I was alone on an iceberg to stand up for my son. Caught in a state
of shock I didn't even have an opportunity to do that. The event seemed to take place as a trauma does, in a very sharp,
finely-focused slow motion.
I have since been advised by many sources never to go to these meetings alone. Bring an ally!
The School Testing Psychologist started the Staffing with a folder of stacked papers in front of her. Leading the meeting, she reviewed her report aloud, interjecting suggestions of why Scott may be inattentive at school. It was based essentially on inconsequential rationale. (Can you see that I've lost faith in the supremacy of the education system's wisdom?)
One so-called "reason" she gave was allergy medication, which she added, "may be making him drowsy at school." She did not mention what else I had told her; that he had used it before school only three or four times all year. Another "reason" was the death of Scott's grandfather; an event which ironically occurred simultaneously with her testing. Scott was not even aware of it when he left for school and was tested that day, nor were we aware he was being tested then, so that falls flat. The other logic was that he may feel there is no use in trying to achieve because he does not measure up to his older brother's scholastic achievement.
(We never compare the kids against one another in that way.)
I was not given the chance to articulate my concern for this child's struggle with school. The teachers and principals, however, had ample time to drink in the School Testing Psychologist's judgment. They were here to agree on a decision and did not know the first thing about my child's life. Their signatures were needed on the form to oppose mine; and alas! Many teachers were present.
Inattention had actually been the number one teacher complaint on Scott since kindergarten.
Mrs. R., his (fifth grade) teacher at the time, actually agreed with me on paper that Scott must have some kind of legitimate learning problem, but in front of her peers she chastised me overtly; mincing me to bits for putting my child through testing. At this meeting she also completely misrepresented my sincere attempt at the start of school to discuss my son's difficulty with her. She had met my initial concerns with grand refusal to hear, looking past me, not at me. Other parents of struggling kids later disclosed to me that they'd had similar experiences with her, so it wasn't just me. She had candidly let out to me prior to this, however, that she was not educated in learning disabilities touting her position as the "gifted" teacher. This one never wanted to talk with a parent whose child had a problem.
The school nurse had done the in-class observation of Scott for the current assessment. She suggested that (in her words) perhaps I "as the parent, tend to focus much more closely on my child than others would; probably more than necessary." With this statement the heads nodded, vocalizing in agreement around the table. It seemed that all they were there to do was have an easy "win" over a lone parent on a potential spending issue. After all, funding for schools is limited.
The two principals who were present related personal stories; each told of a son of his own who didn't do as well in school as he would have liked, now grown, happy, and "doing fine." They both told me that (in their words:) "perhaps (I was) being too critical, perhaps (my) expectations were too high (and I should) leave the kid alone!" (My child was getting Ds and Fs for years.) These guys came to this meeting without even looking up the facts, and these administrators were essentially against more spending on student programs.
Unwritten policy, unwritten agenda takes effect at these Staffing meetings; it certainly showed. Scott's needs were not their concern, that was obvious. No time was included for what I thought. This was apparently a one-sided "no extra spending" attack, not a quest to help my child succeed in learning. There was obviously no interest in attempting to provide an academic boost for this child to receive an appropriate education. I was so completely appalled! I felt like a parent-slaw; severed up and dripping from all they threw at me.
At home afterward I was still upset and in shock over the whole event. Chuck had declined to attend the meeting with me and was caught off guard. He understood very little of the "problem" for which I attended this meeting at school anyway. Being quite reactive, he momentarily shared my feelings. Then as he darted out to work for the day he switched sides on me, finding this situation fuel for his assumption that I was somehow to blame for all Scott's longstanding academic problems. After all, to him, everyone else apparently targeted me as the root of it so in his words, "They must have a good point!" I had no refuge, unity or support with him at home.
Once we had received a correct evaluation for him (after going to several private professionals), and I understood and had accepted A.D.D. as Scott's problem (far before Chuck or the school ever would) I tried to educate and work with Chuck, the teachers and administrators on the A.D.D. issue. I wanted them to learn about it because I felt it was important. Bear in mind that I was still learning about it myself. Then I became angry the more I knew about A.D.D. and learning disorders, and the more they resisted my efforts.
This cold attitude at school is ultimately responsible for the sinking of my child's spirit. It didn't have to be that way, and legally it shouldn't have. How can teachers effectively deal with a problem they aren't trained for? It's important to keep teachers, administrators, and staff trained and current on children's issues. It's for the benefit of everyone.
It was after the first Staffing (evaluation conference) in January, 1994 that I really began to hear the term A.D.D. Even though it had been "out there" for many years, perhaps even forever under various terminologies, it was just beginning to emerge more publicly from the veils of science at that time. If I'd ever heard of it, I didn't associate much meaning until it became apparent to me in a very personal way that I should. No one at school had informed me about A.D.D. So I voluntarily requested the whole "testing and staffing" ordeal on the tails of this first one to persue resource assistance for Scott, which he had urgently needed since kindergarten but had been passed over for.
During the few remaining weeks of school that year I was ennerved; agitated, on the brink of tears, unable to eat. I couldn't help thinking about it even as I wrapped up temporary work those final weeks supervising students on the playground. Scott was failing again, and he kept getting pushed through the cracks, squeezed through the proverbial wringer in the public education system.
Scott struggled so very hard with his school work, but somehow he continued to be promoted. He continually found himself up against a wall, a point which came earlier each year. Teachers always knew he had ability. It seemed beyond their comprehension that his performance couldn't consistently match that ability. Somewhere along the way, he began to believe he was "stupid," though he really isn't. Considered ineligible for "Special Services," he received none. If only someone at school had:
1.) been knowledgeable and cognizant of his difficulty,
2.) called our attention to the problem early, and
3.) pointed us kindly in a helpful direction for appropriate professional guidance
many years of overwhelming frustration and helplessness may have been avoided for Scott and for everyone involved. This simple step could have provided the missing clue, and may have possibly preserved some of Scott's dwindling self-esteem. Granted, however, it's not just that easy. Denial is a huge monster standing in the way. First, denial must be overcome - EARLY!
One of the dark issues I carry in my heart is the LACK of ADD training teachers have in THEIR education. Should the finger be pointed just at them, when their education didn’t include that? Not quite. You HAVE TO demand that training where it emanates from in the first place - and in the US that falls under State control first, and also Federal guidelines; and the states have to comply with Federal. If we are to see COMPLIANCE, we have to make sure our states know that we need it.
(You may want to know this by now! And there's more here too.)
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