I am still at a plateau. It broke and allowed me to loose about 6 pounds and now it is back. I am hovering around the 98 pound mark for weight loss. I have felt very frustrated. However, I do take a few moments when I feel that frustration and remind myself of where I was in June of 1999. I will take my 98 pound loss in a heartbeat rather than the fat.
Recently, someone asked me if I was happy. With the biggest smile that I think I had inside of me, I replied “YES”. I have spent the last month or so thinking about that response. I am so happy that there are no words to explain it. I had such self hatred when I was fat. I didn’t realize how much it took over my life until now. Some days I would find myself crying for no reason. I dreamed of a life that deep inside I knew I would never have. I was angry and always found the negative side to situations. I was also depressed. If anyone tried to tell me that I was depressed I would tell them they were crazy. I also found that I had hatred towards my family. My family made me fat because of genetics. I would look at my mother and tell myself that I would die before I would allow myself to look the way she did. I also never saw myself living long term or enjoying life. I would simply watch others from the side line.
Now that I have had the Fobi Pouch surgery I feel like I am living. I used to chuckle when people called their surgery date their birthday. I told myself that I would never think of my surgery date that way. I was wrong! Dr. Fobi has given me my life back. I smile for no reason, I always find the positive things, I don’t recall the last time I was angry for no reason, and the best thing, I only cry now when I watch a sad movie or Emergency Vets on Animal Planet (I’m addicted to that show.) In February, during a trip to Disneyland I did find myself tearing up. I was so happy that I could enjoy one of my favorite places in the world, again.
I realize this sounds like fluff and for those who are thinking about the surgery it sounds like something that is so far away and that I feel I am cured of my weight problem. The Fobi Pouch is a long term solution to weight loss. Every person comes into the surgery environment with their own issues.
I will be the first to admit that everyday I have to think about food. What will I eat? When will it eat it? How will it effect me? These are questions that I have to be aware of all the time. I tell myself I have a special little gift inside of me (I see it as a present wrapped in pink paper and bows) and if I want to keep it looking pink and pretty I have to be nice to it. I still battle with dumping about once a week. That is because I have a sweet tooth (always have and still continue to). I am trying to substitute an evening treat of sweets with a piece of fruit and it has helped with the dumping issues and also helps keep me regular. Throwing up is part of my life about once every two weeks. Unfortunately, my last few events involving throwing up have been things that I didn’t foresee. I had chewed my food, but the food just didn’t do well in The Pouch. This also seems to happen just to me and not my mother. Again proving that each one of us is different. Finally, my last obstacle that I battle is my vitamins. I was never a faithful vitamin taker. These vitamins are so important that there are no words to say how important they are. They just are! However, I have made a deal with myself. I take my morning vitamins while putting on my make up (this way if I am putting on make up I’ll have to ask myself if I have taken my vitamins) and my evening vitamins are a trade off. I don’t get anything sweet to eat until the vitamins have been taken. I also ask myself when I brush my teeth before bed if I took them. This system has been working for me and look forward to reporting that it still works in the future.
My final thoughts come from observation. I notice overweight people like never before. I want to run up to them and tell them it isn’t their fault and that there is help out there. But I know weight is such a touchy subject with people that I can’t. I have spoken in the past about having a cloak of invisibility when we are overweight. In this cloak, we hope to blend in to our surroundings so we won’t stand out as a fat person. Now that I have lost my weight I find that my cloak is gone. I notice that people want to give me eye contact and seek it back from me. However, I still see and feel that fat person inside of me. I am trying to work on this but I don’t think it will come easy.
For those who are considering the surgery, I suggest a support group meeting. You will walk away with many of your questions answered. Mom and I are working on picking a date that we will both be at a meeting in Bellflower, CA. We will be sure to let everyone know when we’ll be there.
