It has now been about 22 months since I had the surgery. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it, and the profound effects which it has had on my life.
On the negative side: I still worry that I’m eating too much sometimes. I finally had issues which took me back to my therapist. I’m having trouble getting in my exercise on a regular basis. I’m worried that I can’t just take this loss for granted and not work at what it will take to maintain for the long term. None of these things begin to compare to what I remember as the overwhelming hopelessness which I felt when I weighed 300 pounds. In other words I can live happily with the things I need to deal with compared to where I was before I had the surgery.
On the positive side: I can walk for distances without feeling winded. I sleep without snoring ALL of the time. I still snore sometimes, but only now when I’m very tired. Not to mention that I don’t take naps anymore, unless I’m not feeling well, or I’m purposely taking one so I can stay up later for something. I’m not dead tired all the time like I used to be. I routinely wear size 10 jeans. On a recent trip we noticed that we were able to go for long periods of time and see many things without tiring. I love the fact that I can still eat foods I love, but get full after just a couple of bites. This time of year it seems that everyone is on a “diet” and depriving themselves of the foods which they love. It’s nice to know I don’t have to do that. Not to mention the whole “diet” thing, I certainly don’t miss having that hanging over me all the time.
For those who may have followed from the beginning, I kept my therapist in the wings in case I needed him. I always thought if I needed to see him it would be about having taken away my best chum, companion, crutch, etc… food. It turned out that I needed to see him about “expectations”. Without getting specific about anything, it’s just the old “If only I’d lose the weight… then this would work the way it’s supposed to, or that would be better”. You know what I mean. Well, even though I may have really known that those things wouldn’t “instantly” be better if I lost all the weight, part of me “expected” some things and when it didn’t happen, I was disappointed and confused. That’s something I’ve really been taking a look at lately in my life. I am learning to deal with the disappointments realistically, and accept the reality of what my life is like now. On the other hand, I’ve started speaking up for myself and demanding more than I did when I had little self-respect for myself. Not perfect, but better by far than I ever dreamed it would be 3 years ago.
Recently there was an article in People magazine about Carnie Wilson and her success with the surgery. She had a lap procedure around the same time Hilary had hers and has lost about the same amount I have. She looks fabulous and I commend her for continuing to make her life an open forum about the surgery and weight issues. I have to admit that sometimes lately I just want to retreat into the anonymity of just being thin. I’m not sure if that is the reason that I hadn’t been too active on the web site, or just the issues I was having on a personal level. Anyway, I’ve promised myself that I won’t feel guilty about it, and I will participate when I feel that I can.
The most frequently asked question on the web site has always been: “If you had it to do over again, would you do it again, and do you have any regrets?” My answer has always been that my ONLY regret is that I didn’t do it sooner, and not for a single MOMENT have I regretted that I had it done. I can’t get back the DECADES that I lost to being fat, but I can love every moment of the new life I now have. For me it began after I turned 50!
Here are some pictures of my pann scar today. A big change from the pictures that I posted at a few weeks post-op.
For those who came from the incision pictures this link will put you back on track.
If you did not come from the incision pictures, this will take you back to my home page. Back Home . . .