Its a good idea to examine your values, since your involvement with an abusive partner is likely to include a dream of, or a plan to create, a family unit.
Many people believe that marriage, and even more certainly the family, provide and nourish the development of valued traits and situations: warmth, security (both emotional and financial), peace of mind, stability, companionship, loving and satisfying sex, someone to grow old with, children to carry on the family name and traditions, interdependence, affection, loyalty, and the sharing of responsibilities, worries, work, rewards, and pride in children and accomplishments.
Other people claim that not only do marriage and the family fail to promote these values, but they inhibit the development of flexibility, independence and individuality. They assert that spouse battering, child abuse and incest are indications that families are too often centers of stress that result in serious physical and emotional damage to family members.
Whether you view your own situation as relatively satisfying or not depends upon your relationship with your partner and you and your interpretation of that relationship - what values it provides you with, and how important they are. Being married to a gambler will not be so bad if financial security is not of great value to you. You won't be troubled by a "swinging" husband if fidelity isn't important to you. One person's emotional security may be another's boredom.
It's easy to lose sight of what's important when it seems impossible to ever have it. This exercise will help you focus on the things that were once important to you and that still might be if you let them be. Fill in the blanks as honestly as you can.
1. If I had twenty-four hours to live, I would try to be with______and to do______I would not want to be with______and I would try not to______.
2. If I were to die, I would like people to say these things about me:____________.
3. I hope my children and/or grandchildren won't ever have to______.
4. If I had plenty of money, I would______.
5. When the children grow up, I will______.
6. If I were younger, I would______.
7. If it didn't take so long, I would______.
8. Some of the things I wish I had done are______.
9. If I felt better or had more courage, I would______.
Perhaps you filled in the blanks with things that are only the most vaguely felt dreams or wishes, things you'd like to have or do, but don't really expect and certainly haven't a plan to make happen. Many of us drift along, making the best of a hard life and losing sight of goals and values that were once important to us. If that's what you've done, this is a good time to get them back in your sight again.
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