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Try to read this as if you felt free to make your own decisions. There will be a temptation to say to yourself, "That's all very well, but I'd be beaten to a pulp," or "That sounds great for two reasonable people, but he would kill me if I even suggested negotiation." Later, you'll want to consider whether it's safe to act on these ideas, and you might very well decide it would be too dangerous if you're going to continue to live with the man. But for the moment, consider only whether these ideas are just and reasonable. This will help you to realize what rights you have and to remember that life wasn't always a kind of prison. If you're getting very few of the things that everyone has a right to, then you have no obligation to stay in the relationship.
It's extremely easy for many women to fuse their identity with their children or their husbands, that is, to be unable to tell where the family leaves off and they themselves begin. When you lose sight of who you are, separate from your man and your children, it's easy to become confused about what you deserve and what you owe yourself.
Who Are You?
In a sentence or two write the answers to these questions:
1. What do you want?____________________
2. What do you want to do now?____________________
3. What do you like to do?___________________
4. Who do you like to spend time with?____________________
5. What do you like to wear?____________________
6. Where do you like to live?____________________
7. Where would you like to live?____________________
8. What do you want to be doing in five years?____________________
9. Ten years?____________________
10. Twenty?____________________
How many answers were something like, "I don't know, I haven't thought about it," or "I want to live here because I wouldn't want to disrupt the kid's schooling," My husband likes me to wear.....," or, "There's not much point in thinking about it, because the kids are too young," or, "My husband wouldn't hear of it," "It costs too much," or, "I don't much care. I'm easy to please."
If you answered half or more along these lines, you've probably forgotten who you are. You stopped, somewhere along the line, being an individual person, separate from your family or your man. You either stopped considering what you wanted a long time ago, or you developed the habit of foreseeing obstacles almost before realizing what you wanted. Those obstacles are usually the things that others need or want. Or perhaps you've persuaded yourself tht you have what you want, in order to avoid facing the reality that your husband and children wouldn't hear you even if you did not ask for something.
Try answering the questions again, without regard to how anyone besides yourself would be affected. You may be reluctant to do it, because it seems selfish and wrong. Selfish means to be devoted to, or caring for, only yourself. Thats not what I'm suggesting here. What I'm urging is that you become aware of what you want and like, so that - along with the other people you're close to - you can find your share of satisfaction and happiness. You have to know what each person wants before you can make decisions about what's good for a couple of a family as a whole and before you can arrive at reasonable compromises. You are a person, and your desires should be considered on their own merits, as much as anyone else's.
What do you deserve?
For many people, to deserve something implies that it has been earned through work or suffering. Yet there are some things that everyone deserves, earned or not.
Freedom of speech is a fundamental right. Many a wife gives up this right soon after marriage, as she becomes aware of more and more things that upset or anger her husband. Perhaps the first statement to be eliminated is a comment about her past relationships, especially with men. Then she stops talking about her desires for the future, when he interprets that as a criticism of his ability to provide for the family. Next goes the expression of any negative feelings: depression, frustration, loneliness. She may stop asking him questions about his work, where he's been or how he feels, lest she be accused of prying or nagging. Finally she may give up stating her own opinions, to avoid being called stupid.
A woman will often do this, at first out of consideration for her man's feelings, later to protect herself from his temper. He may directly demand her silence on many subjects and before long, she persuades herself she has no right to speak up. She thinks there's something wrong with her for even wanting to express herself.
The right to have some aspects of life remain private ought to be recognized by both partners. Many men who are violent toward their wives call them several times every day to check on whether they're home, insist on accompanying them to the grocery store and won't let them out of their sight unless it's absolutely necessary, which usually means when they're at work. They may closely question the woman about the smallest activities of her day and physically punish her if she refuses to respond to their mutal concerns, such as whether they'll be going out Saturday night, or how much money is in the bank, she will be accused of invading male territory.
You may gradually have given up your rights without thinking much about them. How about the right to choose your friends? To decide how to spend money? How to use your time? What to eat, wear and how to look?
Take the matter of your appearance. Most of us like to look attractive to the people we're close to, but it's your right to dress and arrange your hair and makeup to please your family or to please yourself. If your husband thinks you look too flashy or wants you to look too obviously sexy, or your daughter accuses you of looking "old" or dowdy, you don't have to accomodate them by changing your appearance. One way to begin establishing your separate identity is to dress in the style tht's comfortable for you, that feels like the real you.
As for money and time, some of it belongs to the family and is subject to family decisions. But there are two important qualifications. Only some of it belongs to the family; you have a right to use some money and some time just to please yourself, no questions asked. Secondly, what does belong to the family should not be distributed or decided upon only by the male, but at least by the two adults in the household.
Perhaps by now you're ready to consider what basic rights everyone is entitled to.
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