I have had many requests for more personal information about me to be added to my page. Putting "myselves" out there for the whole world to see is a difficult thing at best, but I am going to attempt to do just that. I might not give quite as much detail as you would like to see but please remember my abusers are still very much alive and I do need to protect my identity while revealing enough of it to be informative to those of you who took the time to view my page.
I first discovered my multiplicity through a conference my therapist hosted on Satanic Ritual Abuse around five years ago. I was there and was already struggling with memories of being satanically ritually abused. The therapist who was the guest speaker, spent a good deal of time talking about Multiple Personality Disorder. She was the first person I had ever heard explain Co-Consciousness and I knew down deep alot of the things about it fit me. To make matters worse at that time, my husband attended too, and apparently recognized me in her statements as well. He began asking the therapist many questions. During a break I told him he should stop asking so many questions, that people might misunderstand and think he suspected me of being a multiple.
At some point during the day, I asked a question pertaining to MPD and how you would really know for sure if you did not lose time. I cannot recall my exact question but I sure do recall her answer. She said, "If you have any question about whether you are a multiple or not, why not give yourself permission to find out? If you are not, you have nothing to lose, if you are then you can begin to work and deal with it." Needless to say, and being sure I was not, I did just what she said. I gave my myself permission to know if "others" were there.
At the end of the day, I avoided this woman, I was terrified she would somehow know, that I was a multiple, even though I did not possess that knowledge at the time. I guess, in retrospect that was my first clue.
It was not even two weeks later that my system decided to let me know of their presence. I had been drawing a picture to represent my feelings that day and referred to myself in the picture as the "little lost girl" when I heard a tiny little voice speak up and say, "You know I have a name, it is not the little lost girl." I really felt like I was losing my mind. It took two more weeks to share this with my therapist.
I think perhaps this would be a good place to share that about a year prior to this conference during a stay in a psychiatric hosptial that I had been diagnosed with MPD based on the results of a test called the MMPI. I was able to dimiss this diagnosis but as you can see only for one year.
After this little girl popped(a term used to refer to a multiple's system exposing themselves to the host) one, by one, my alters began introducing themselves to me. The truth is I was horrified and relieved all at the same time. Horrified because there were so many of me, and relieved because finally I made sense.
At that point, I understood so many more things about myself that I had never understood before. Things like why I had to have the same conversation over and over with my husband about things that weren't even important. Each one of me wanted to talk to him about it. Why sometimes, I would feel so small physically and think I needed to stand on something to look up to my husband. At those times, it was a child alter out. Or all the times, I would dress more feminine and then feel stupid and have to go put something more androgynous on. That would be my male alters who hate being trapped in a woman's body. Or even several times, falling asleep on the couch, yet when my husband woke me up to go to bed, I could tell him all about the movie he had just watched. You see I would be asleep, but not everyone inside was asleep so they were able to know what was going on around me.
People usually want to know how many alters I have. Truth is I don't know. I never felt it important to count the numbers. Just when some decide to combine and integrate into each other another might surface. My system does have many male alters, as well as child alters. My perpetrator was my mother. Some of the abuse was just too hard to handle being a female, so many males were created. I am told by the professionals, that it is not uncommon for multiples to have a high concentration of child alters.
Another question that is often asked of me after someone views this page is what type of abuse I endured. Suffice it to say I endured just about any type of abuse you can imagine, emotional, emotional/sexual, physical, sexual and then some that not everyone could imagine. But I had much rather this page be to educate and offer hope which is what most survivors of abuse need, much more than details of the actual abuse. Every single survivor has a different story of courage but all know somewhere along the way hope is the key to healing.
Get your own Free Home Page