I had my first Panic Attack sometime in 1982 at my favorite Restaurant. After I ate, I got horribly sick and had to go to the bathroom to throw up. From then on, everytime my husband and I would go out to eat, I'd get sick and have to throw up. I had no idea back then, that it was panic. I blamed it on the food. The funny thing was though, that I could eat the same food on takeout, and had no problems. This started my first avoidance-Restaurants.
I didn't have any further problems until 6 weeks after my 1st son was born. I had just started back on birth control pills 3 days earlier. I was alone with the baby when all of a sudden I got this horrible feeling, that I was having a heart attack and going to die right then and there. I barely could call my brother, who took me to the emergency room. They had no idea what was causing the problem, blamed it on dehydration and sent me on my merry way. During the next couple of month I had a few more attacks, mostly when I was by myself, or after drinking a lot of coffee. So I blamed it on the caffeine and slowed down on my caffeine intake. That helped.
I didn't have anymore panic attacks until my first summer here in the states. It had gotten up to over 100 degrees, the airconditioner couldn't handle it, so I spent a lot of time at my mother-in-laws airconditioned house, and avoided being outside in the heat. After that I didn't have problems for about 2 1/2 years. I was working and became pregnant again. It was another hot summer and I would have the attacks during driving. I still blamed the weather. So my husband and a coworker started bringing me back and forth to work. That stopped the attacks. I went back to driving myself after my son was born. Then I got promoted and was having a very stressful time at work, and I started having small panic attacks in the car on my way to work. I "cured" that by driving with the window open, even on bitter cold winter days.
In the first part of 1993 I started having serious dizzispells and went to the doctor, who diagnosed me with Vertigo. The medication helped a little bit. Every month I had to take off sick for about 1 week. Finally our finaces improved and I quit my job. At first I missed the stress, but the longer I stayed home the more I enjoyed myself. I still had a few dizzispells, but not as severe and as often, till finally they disappeared.
Then one day in September of 1994, my oldest got in a fist fight in school, and the principal was talking detention. I was in tears, no child of mine needed detention. And came to find out it hadn't been his fault anyway. He was just defending himself against some kid, that had bullied him since Kindergarten. The next day, it was pretty warm that day, I walked out of the driveway to pick up my son from school, and wham, I had a big panic attack. My husband had to pick up our son, while I was at home with a cold compress on my forehead. It took several hours before I totally calmed down. From that day on I could not walk to school. I could drive there with no problems, but couldn't walk inside the school without having severe symtoms ( I don't like to mention my symtoms, because we tend to pick up on each others symtoms) On reportcard days my husband would go with me, and I'd be ok. Some days I felt so bad, that I couldn't go to the grocery store by myself.
So finally I went to the doctor and after a complete physical, was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. The first medication they put me on was Imipramine. I took it for 3 days and got very depressed, because I couldn't sleep. I'd wake up after about 2 hours of sleep and be like a walking zombie till the next morning. By then I was so scared, that I didn't want to take a shower by myself. Somebody told me to quit all caffein and chocolate. And shure enough I was a lot calmer, but still not ok. So I went back to the doctor. This time she gave me Atenalol, a betablocker. I knew of a man who was on that for panic disorder and started taking it with great hope. I took it for 2 weeks, when suddenly I would get so cold, that I was shaking all over. I constantly had cold hands and cold feet. I blamed it on the medication and stopped taking it. So I went to the doctor again. This time she put me on Zoloft and Xanax. I had heard wonderful things about Zoloft and again had great hope of recovery. I took 1 on a Friday night before I went to bed. Saturday I woke up around 4 am with the worst panic attacks I had ever had. One right after the other. And spent numerous hours in the bathroom throwing up. I wanted to go to the emergency room, but it had snowed about 1 foot and the roads where horrible. So I just rode it out. It took till Monday morning till I was finally alright again. Much of that weekend is a blurr, I was so out of it. I went back to the doctor and told her of my experience. She said, you should have taken a Xanax. Yea, right, if it had stayed in me, maybe. I was too scared to try anything else new. So she prescribed Hydroxizine and B6 Vitamins for the constant nausea. By that time I had already lost 20 lbs. I waited a couple of days and started taking it, but I got so sleepy, that I couldn't function. So I told myself, I would just work on this without medication. I had read numerous articles about panic disorder in the limited time I could spent on the internet.
That following month we had to do our main shopping in the next town 8 miles away from here. I made it halfway, when I had more panic attacks in the car. So I made my husband turn back home and I was ok. We tried it several times, but with the same results. By then I had panic attacks everywhere, at home, at school, grocery stores, being by myself, driving even short distances. My husband had to do everything and when he'd leave, his mother would stay with me. So I went back to the doctor. She just looked at me and I will never forget her words and the tone she said them in. "She's back" I was so mad. She told me, that I should try counseling. Yea, right, the mental health center is 8 miles away in the next town, that I couldn't go shopping at. How was I gonna get there??? That day I decided, that nobody was going to help me, except myself. I started taking the Hydroxizine and B6 on a regular basis at night. At least I could eat and sleep that way. And I actually got a little bit better. I could go into grocery stores if somebody was with me. My whole outlook got better. I wasn't nearly as depressed, just when I was confronted with situations, that would cause the panic, I'd get depressed again.
Meanwhile we still "practiced" the driving to the next town. Then a friend told me about this new psychiatrist in the next town. So I made one appointment after another. Never keeping them, because I couldn't make the trip yet. I made the 5th appointment. The time in the waiting room was horrible. The practice was in the same building as the mental ward of the hospital. I stared at this sign "No visitors for the first 72 hours after admission" on the outside of a door, that kept being locked and unlocked by nurses and doctors. Constant thoughts of being locked up in there went through my mind. By the time the doctor finally saw me, I was a nervous wreck, but I still managed to play my panic attacks down, so I wouldn't get admitted. The doctor looked at my chart for at least 30 minutes without saying a word. I just sat there. He asked me a few more questions about the medications I had already taken. Advised me not to take the Xanax, because in his opinion they were more addictive than heroin. Then gave me a prescription for Buspar and sent me on my way. I asked the pharmacist about the side effects and didn't get it filled. 2 weeks later I went back to the psychiatrist. The same thing, he looked at my chart for 30 minutes, asked me why I didn't take the Buspar, and after I told him, that I was afraid of the side effects, he gave me a prescription for Doxepin. That was the last time he saw me. I threw that prescription away also.
For the next several weeks I just kept a routine, still avoiding everything that caused the panic attacks. I had to go to another family doctor, because I started getting the Vertigo again. He wanted to put me on Prozac, and after I refused that, he looked me in the eyes and said. "The only thing I can tell you to do, is get counseling at the mental health clinic." He explained, that there they have trained psychologists and also explained the difference between a psychiatrist and psychologist.
I waited several weeks before making the first appointment, which I didn't keep, again. It was a big step for me to finally go there though. And I made shure, nobody I knew, knew about me going there, because this is a small town and there is a terrible stigma about people going to that clinic. The psychologist that was assigned to my case had delt with agoraphobia herself, so I was pretty confident, that she could cure me. She kept telling me, that it was Stress, that caused the panic attacks. I had to keep a diary of my daily activities and also when and how severe the panic attacks would be. It took 6 sessions till she finally realized, that it was the panic attacks that was causing my stress and not the other way around. She couldn't figure that out. She kept promising me to bring relaxation tapes to the next session, but never did. She was pregnant during that time and therefor had to cancel a couple of sessions and we were building a new house and I missed a few sessions. But during all that I got more and more relaxed riding in the car to the next town. After she had the baby, they wanted to assign me a different psychologist, who had never heard of panic disorder and wanted to find out more about it. So I quit.
By October of 1995 we had moved to the new house. I had quit drinking milk, because I had heard on TV that Vertigo was caused by Calcium deposits in the ear. And shure enough, I felt better than I had in a long time. My youngest had just started school and I was very comfortable with his teacher. I got involved at school again. My husband always had to take me and wait on me, but I managed to stay.
In Spring of 1996 I read in the paper about somebody wanting to start a Selfhelp group for panic disorder. That gave me a reason to drive to the next town every other week. We joined AIM (Agoraphobiacs in Motion) and I started to make progress. I would go into the store by myself and even drive a few miles by myself. Then the group fell apart around October 1996. It was a very sad day for me, but I managed to stay possitive. I learned to stay by myself for longer and longer periods of time. I stayed actively involved at my boys school. I even went on some of their field days. Several of them where around 30 miles away. I was so proud of myself.
In Winter of 1996 we finally got a local internet connection, and I've met a lot of other people with the same problems. I slacked on my driving and had a bit of a setback, but didn't give up this time. I just have to keep on practicing. Eventually I will get over this. I didn't get this illness over night, so it will just take some time to get rid of it.
Now, when I have a bad day, I just eat a banana, and tell myself, that tomorrow will be a new day. I've even tried to quit my medication, but I still can't sleep without it, so, I just keep taking it. And I know, I still have a long way to go.
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