Parenting II.

Artikel dari The Parent's handbook karangan Don Dinkmeyer, Sr; Gary
D. Mckay; Don Dinkmeyer, Jr.

What Parents Say and Do
Children learn from what their parents say and do. They form beliefs and
decide how to belong. They begin their journey to becoming adults. One
important thing children learn is what being an adult means.
Parenting style leads children to certain beliefs.
* When parents give orders, some children see a need to fight and
compete. Some come to believe that being the boss is the way to belong.
* When parents give in, many children come to believe that no one's
wishes but theirs matter.
* When parents give choice, children learn that cooperation is a way
people can live together. They are likely to believe that every person is
important.

We have Parents too.
The way our parents raised us affects our present approach to parenting.
* We may have been brought up to believe we must be the best at anything we do. So we may push our children. We may want others to think our children are the smartest, or the most talented, or the strongest.
* Maybe we were brought up to believe that we deserve to have our own
way. So we may try to force our children to do exactly what we want. Or we may expect other people to do as our children wish.
* We may have been brought up to respect others. Then we will probably expect other people to do the same. We'll teach our children to show respect to us, to themselves, and to other people.


How can I encourage my child?
You know that everyone deserves respect. Respect for yourself and
respect for others go hand in hand. This is true for children and for
adults. When your child receives your respect, the child feels valued.
Seeing that you respect yourself, your child sees a model of self-esteem.
This is encouraging to your child.
Encouragement is based on the idea of respect. Like respect, it is
something children need all the time. You can learn to get in the
"encouragement habit." Learn and practice some skills to show that you:
* Love and accept your child.
* Notice when your child tries or improves.
* Appreciate your child.
* Have faith in your child.

1. Love and Accept your child.
Every child is special. Like each of us, every child is good at some things and not so good at other things. Just like us, children have ups and downs-good days and bad days. When we appreciate and accept our children, we know the good and the not-so-good. We see the ups and downs. We accept all of these things. We accept our children as they are. Some parents think they need to keep pointing out what is wrong. They think this will help children improve. But this can be discouraging. What if your friend kept telling you: "I know what's wrong with you. I'll tell you and all you have to do is change!' This is how children feel too.
Practice: - Think about a bad choice your child has made.
- Think of a way to help your child know that he or she is not a bad person.
- Think of a way to help your child make a better choice.

2. Notice your child's effort
Improvement takes time. People don't accomplish things all at once.
Every skills we learn is made up of small steps and efforts. The same is
true as our children learn. How to notice efforts?
* They can point out small improvements along the way.
* They can comment positively on a quiz with a B-minus, or homework
with a C-plus.
* They can help understand what is important. Learning math is more
important than earning a letter grade.
Practice: - Think about something your child is improving in. Also think of
efforts your child has made. For example, has your child improved in school?
Has your child found a way to help? Has your child cooperated with brothers
or sisters?

3. Appreciate your Child.
A child needs to contribute-to be a helping part of the family. This
gives the child a sense of belonging. When you say and show that you really
appreciate your child, you encourage this belonging. Mom or dad can say:
* Thanks for remembering to take off your shoes.
* It's so nice to see you play with T.J. He really loves his big
sister.
* I appreciated that you took care of the garbage right after school.
There is another way to show appreciation: Notice what is important to your
child. If you take the time to ask about a project, your child will feel
appreciated. You might even discover a new interest for yourself! Your child
has strengths - qualities and talents that make the child special. You can
notice and build on these strengths.

4. Have faith in your child.
Children need to know and see that parents believe they can succeed.
To show faith in your child, you may have to look at the big picture. Don't
think about a mistake your child made in the past. Instead, think about the
many things your child has learned to do right. Don't worry about the
mistake your child might make, instead, think about the ways you can help
your child feel capable. Growing up is a process. It takes years. Keeping
this in mind may help you see that your child does learn many skills, over
time.


Chapter Four
Listening and Talking to your Child

Communication is the key to most relationships. Think about what this means
in a friendship. Friends talk together. They listen to each other. By
listening and sharing, friendship grows. When our friends have problems or
make mistakes, we consider their feelings. We listen and try to help. We do
this because we respect and value our friends. We want to treat our child
the same way. It builds a closer relationship.
When you are upset, you might talk to a friend. You want your friend to
listen, understand, and accept what you are feeling. When upset, this is
what your child wants too.
We can't always "fix" a problem. We also can't make our child's feelings go
away. What can we do? We can show that we care. We can show that we
understand and accept the child's feelings, even if we disagree with the
child. We show acceptance by our tone of voice and by the words we use. We
communicate respect. This is better than giving advice, which doesn't help
children solve problems. With advice, the child may rely on us or ignore the
advice. When we listen, we give the child room to think.

How can I be a good listener?
Communication has two parts; listening and talking. To help your child
communicate with you, listen carefully and speak respectfully to your child.

Why is listening for feelings important? It helps children know they are
understood. It helps them think about what they are feeling and why. It can
help them think through a problem. It lets children know that talking about
feelings is okay.

How to listen for feelings.
Listening for feelings is a special skill. It is called Reflective
listening.
Here is how you do it:
1. Listen. Let your body show that you are listening. Stop your other
tasks. Look at your child. Pay full attention to your child.
2. Hear the feeling. Listen to your child's words. Ask yourself: "what
is my child feeling?" think of a word that describes the feeling. Also ask
yourself,"why is my child feeling this way? What led to the feeling?"
3. Use reflective listening. Reflective listening is repeating what you
think your child feels and sayas. Think of yourself as a mirror that
reflects your child's feelings. You also reflect the reason behind the
feeling.

To listen reflectively, start by using the words "you feel" before the
feeling, and "because" to tell the reason for the feeling.
* You feel jealous because Mike got picked and you didn't.
* You feel disappointed because Petra didn't call.
* You feel impatient because you want to use the phone.
Describe the feeling as exactly as you can. Words like "a little"
or "very" will help you here:
* You seem a little worried about how you did on the test.
* You're very angry that I said you had to stay home.
* It seems like no one cares, and you're feeling very left out.

Look for feelings too.
Children don't always use words to communicate. Sometimes they are
silent, but they smile, or scowl, or cry. Sometimes they pull away or hang
their head. As with listening, ask yourself, "What is my child feeling?"
look at what your child's face and body are telling you. Then state the
feeling you see:
* Your frown seems to say that you disagree.
* When your face lights up like that, you look very happy.
* It looks like you're really upset. Want to talk about it?

Words for "happy" feeling Words for "upset" feeling
Appreciated angry
Better bored
Comfortable confused
Excited disappointed
Grateful frustrated
Great guilty
Happy hurt
Pleased left out
Proud put down
Relieved miserable
Satisfied worthless

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