Title: Cathy's Lament
Author: Evie Whiting
E-mail: fishadam@hotmail.com
Rating: PG, possibly R for imagery
Keywords: V,MSR, Heavy Angst ( and I do mean heavy)
Spoilers: FTF, The Pilot, but blink and you'll miss them both.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, if you thought I did, you're more delusional
than I am.
Dedication: To Sarah, who patiently, yet again told me, if I had to write
it, I had to. To Bron... I'm positively  scared to add you here. And to
Fish...
I mean it.
Notes: I'm sorry if this offends anyone. Please remember this is just
something I felt like writing.
Summary: Cathy wasn't the only one who wept to go back.


***************************************


"...I broke my heart with weeping to come back to earth; and the angels
were
so angry they flung me out."
Cathy
-Wuthering Heights



We are both dead Mulder. I'm just not sure which of us is more so.
I watch you. All the time; and feel an anguish I'd only read of previously.
I welcome the pain. It has a curious sweetness of its own.
It reminds me of what it is to feel, so I welcome it with open arms.

Strange. The last thing I felt was a sense of utter peace and contentment,
not regret, not even pain. I tried to tell you not to cry, but all I could
manage was a clumsy petting of your cheek. You grabbed my hand tight,
trying to tether me there, with the sheer force of your love, but you
didn't beg or plead. You knew I couldn't grant your request, much as I
wanted to.

It was laughable, how true it held to all those descriptions we'd often
waded
through. The tunnel, the light, the warmth. And then, there I was.

My soul did not rejoice. I was here perforce. I had felt no joy when I saw
that light. I recognised it for what it was, but I'd fought against it, the
whole way.
I had been on the bridge between worlds before, and like the last time, I
found
I was not ready. This time, there was no option of going
back. No choice given.

This place, Heaven, for want of a better word, was nothing like I'd
imagined.
We'd been weaned on the notion once here, you understood everything, it all
became clear. You would finally find out who shot Kennedy.

When I wept and asked "why", there was no answer, they didn't understand,
so
they said nothing.

How can they not understand in Heaven?

I ached for home. For the only home I had ever known. You.

I ached for your warmth. I ached for the comfort of your embrace. I ached
for the heat of your hands as  they roved over my body, mapping it in your
memory.
I ached for the light in your eyes that guided me back from every precipice
and
abyss I had to face.

I ached.

I wanted to go back. I did not belong here. Not without you at least. But
Heaven and Earth, quite literally, separated us. So I wandered. Like those
damned souls you read of. Without you Mulder I'm damned, irrespective of
celestial geography.

This is the only other zipcode where Time is not a Universal Invariant.
Gradually, I found crystal memories and feelings becoming muddy.
A fog surrounded me, threatening to make me forget everything...forget you.
So I fought, as I always have when you are brought into the equation and I
continue to fight. That's why I watch you.

It breaks my heart to watch you, but I do so with a passion I formerly
saved for our cases and you... always you

You go through the motions Mulder. For Skinner, for the Gunmen and for my
mother, but alone, without any of these well-meaning irritants, you're just
as dead as me. More so, for I fear, the bullet pierced your soul, while it
only pierced my lung.

Did you know how true your impassioned declaration in your hallway was? Was
that why we held each other at bay for so long?
I did make you a whole person, but Mulder didn't you know, didn't you
realise, you made me a whole person as well.

Mulder you haunt me as much as I haunt you. I find myself reaching out
impotently, mirroring your outstretched arms when you wake from a dream of
me.
I feel phantom tears when I watch you cry.

If I'm in heaven Mulder, why do I feel damned?

My salvation lies, not in heaven, but  in you. And so I wait for you.

Hurry Mulder, hurry.


The End


I'm sorry I didn't write Character Death in the keywords, but I wanted a
certain to create a certain impact,  with the first line. I'm sorry if any
persons religious
beliefs were offended with this piece. It certainly wasn't intentional.
This is a very personal piece for me and I felt I really had to get it out.
Also I was just in an angsty mood, and felt like writing a bit of
Mulderangst  and Scullyangst. For all those who are bashing their heads
against walls since I have written yet another piece that is not the latest
instalment of Pandora, look at it this way, less angst for Pandora.

Remember feedback is the food of writers.