I advise you to read the following using extreme caution as the sound of Ms Looney complaining has been known to bring grown adults to their knees in agony.
Hmmm..., now what should I put here?
This is the e-mail that I sent to my e-mail Pregnancy Mail Group at OneList last December 1998 after I found out from the ultrasound (at 12 weeks) that there was no heartbeat. I had no signs that the fetus had died at 6 weeks; no cramping, no bleeding. In fact the uterus (stupid thing) kept growing and I actually had pretty bad morning sickness even though I was carrying a dead fetus inside of me. Two days later I went to the hospital for a D&C.
Message: 5
Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 05:30:41 -0500 (EST)
From: Ms. Looney@xxxxx.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx)
Subject: B a d N e w s
Well, the good news is that I will be getting very drunk and smoking a pack of cigarettes on New Year's Eve; the bad news is that I am no longer pregnant.
Very sad tale to follow. Please excuse the inappropriate humour as it's the only way I know how to cope.
I would surely give up cigarettes for life if I could just be pregnant today. Now I really understand how excited those of you who have heard the baby's heart beating.
Last Wed. at 1 pm was my first ob appointment. The first thing the rec. did was make me go pee on a tiny plastic stick with two tiny little sponges on them and when I showed her they had turned yellow that seemed to satisfy her that I was indeed pregnant.
I have a really really nice MALE doctor. I was so scared of having a male dr. and he turns out to be WAY better than my female family dr. So I go in and see him and we have this
long talk about my being pregnant and he gives me his stock-in-trade pregnancy lecture and I ask him all sorts of questions. I asked him what he thought of my giving him a birth plan and he said that's fine but then gave me a heated talk about how you can't plan life and I was like, gee, you little prick, can't you just pretend like you would read it??? In answer I told him that maybe working on a birth plan was my way of coping with my body being out of control and he demanded to know
why I thought my body was out of control and then for some strange reason I started to tear up and I couldn't answer him. Anyway, I'm not making him out to be nice yet, but he was. I only mention the above because I felt so stupid after finding out later that afternoon that I was not pregnant after we had had this talk.
Then I asked him would he give me an u/s because my reg. doctor had told
me twice that my uterus was small and he said no, that he would only
send me this early if he thought something was wrong.
Now, this is where I'm going to appear to be very very stupid. We go
have an internal exam and he was VERY good about doing it, I barely
noticed he had his hand up inside of me. Then he takes out what looks
like a walkman and puts some jelly on my tummy and tries to hear a
heartbeat. Searching, searching, searching - nothing. He totally
reassures me that I'm probably too early to hear (I was supposed to be
12 weeks today) and I BELIEVED HIM. Then he sends me out to the
receptionist who books me an ultra sound right then and there. YOU'D
THINK I'D HAVE HAD A CLUE AT THIS MOMENT, BUT NOOOOOoooooooooo.
So I go and wait and wait in another office in the same building for an
u/s. Eventually I asked the receptionist, shouldn't I be drinking water
or something and she says, hmm, that's a very good idea and I'm thinking
you stupid cow you could have told me this 45 min. ago. So I start
drinking and 20 minutes later a lady takes me for an u/s. She puts
jelly on my tummy and puts the scanner on me and says that my bladder is
almost empty and sends me to the bathroom to empty it completely. Then
she puts this penile probe inside of me; it doesn't hurt and it doesn't
feel like it went up that far at all - and that's how the u/s was done.
She does the u/s and doesn't say a word to me which I thought was normal
that the tech. doesn't speak to the patient about the results.
Then I go back to my new doctor's office and wait while the receptionist
tries to get the results. I still have no idea that anything is wrong
at this point; I thought how lucky for me that all this is getting done
this afternoon.
What a moron I am!
The rec. is having trouble getting the results right away, so I wait.
The rec. says to me, did the tech. say anything to you? I say no. Then
the dr. walks by and says to me, did the tech tell you anything about
your u/s and I say no. Then this couple is leaving and the rec. is
telling them what to do at their first u/s which is being booked for
them next week and the rec. tells them that the tech. will usually tell
you if everything looks okay, and then I could feel the rec. mentally
look my way and then she tells the couple, oh but that depends on the
tech because some techs won't say anything. AND STILL I SAT THERE SO
INNOCENT AND IGNORANT.
Then the dr. finally gets the results and brings me into his office and
I can't now remember exactly what he said to me but I finally got the
gist that the fetus had stopped developing at 5 weeks, which was over 6
weeks ago!!! But the placenta had kept growing and was at the 10 week
stage, which was the day that I stopped having morn. sickness symptoms.
And he said that I needed to go have a blood test to confirm everything.
So I'm trying not to burst into tears at this point and all I can think
of is GET ME OUT OF HERE. So I get the instructions on where to go for
the blood test and I leave and run into the public bathroom for a 15
min. hysterical cry, then I leave to go catch the elevator and guess who
comes out to wait with me but the doctor. HOW HUMILIATING!
Then I dash across the street bawling my eyes out some more and go and
get the blood test done at another office, crying the whole time. The
two people there, bless their hearts, just ignored me, which was good
because if anyone had shown some concern I am sure I would have really
broken down.
Then I took the subway home and I cried the whole way to my stop. I
cannot believe what a huge baby I am/was/will be. Then I get home and
don't feel like crying anymore; go figure. Then I just go to bed and
cower under the covers and think about all the people I have to untell
and then I start to cry again. Then my dh comes home. He had a really
bad flu and he has a fever and he just goes and lies on the couch to
watch a hockey game. I come out and sit down near him and I wonder if I
should tell him or not because I know I will not get the sympathy I need
from him, but then he leans over to touch my belly and ask me how me and
the baby is doing and so I start to cry and I tell him that there's no
baby. Silence. Then he asks me what's going on, (he's forgotten that I
had my first appt. - that's just the kind of doughhead dh I have). He
doesn't seem bothered by my news at all. I had to remind him that he
needed to say something to me like, gee I'm sorry that happened to you /
us. I don't think it bothers him because he never really believed that
I was pregant to begin with. Then I started to think that now would be
a good time to leave him and run off into the sunset with my OB.
So then I have to call my mother and older pregnant sister to give them
the news because they have left messages all afternoon to find out how
the first appt. went. My mother was SHOCKED, she couldn't believe it,
especially as I have had absolutley no bleeding or cramping whatsoever
and I had all the preg. symptoms such as terrible morning sickness and
sore breasts.
Oh, by the way, I forgot to lie to my dr. that I had been bleeding in
order to force him to give me an early u/s. I can't blame it on
placenta brain anymore, just chalk it up to dumb.
I call my older sister and her dh answers and we say hi and then he says
to me Congratulations and I just freaked out and yelled, NOT ANY MORE,
and then he stumbles out oh, um, here's your sister and then later my
sister and I had to laugh at him because I felt so sorry for doing that
to him and she said that he had walked right into it.
So, to make a long story ten times even longer, the next day I call my
dr.'s office and he tells me that he got my blood tests and it's
confirmed (no fetus) and he wants me to come in the next morning so he
can set me up for a D&C (abortion) at the hospital that same day. Again
I'm shocked. He had given me a prescription to take to force me to
expel the, whatever, tiny fetus on my own. But I think because the
placenta was so big that they need to do a D/C instead of my taking the
prescription to make sure everything comes out which I believe helps
with not getting infections.
Anyway, I go in the next morning. The dr. freaks at me when I try to
drink some water at 10 am. Turns out I wasn't paying attention to his
diretions the night before. I wasn't supposed to eat or drink ANYTHING,
not even gum, after 7:30 am Friday morning. Anyway, he has me fill out
a slew of forms and off I go again to the hospital across the street for
my D/C. The nurses were wonderful (another great fear of mine put to
rest). They seemed very organized and very careful. I had plenty of
things to read and the time passed fine. Around 2 pm I am brought to
the operating room. WOW, that freaked me out; I'd never been to the
hospital before for myself. They gassed me and I woke up in great tummy
pain. The nurse put a hot blanket on my belly and I thought I would die
from the relief it gave me. A bunch of staff were in the recovery room
with us patients and I wanted to kill them because they were chatting
and laughing so loud. It was the last day before the hospital closed
down for 2 weeks, ( I was SO lucky to get in before that!! I have my OB
to thank for rushing everything for me, bless his cute little heart).
By the way, I could KILL my family dr. for not ordering me an u/s when
she told me that I was 'small'. She could have saved me WEEKS of making
a fool out of myself and maybe I would not have needed an D&C at that
earlier time.
So far so good, then the torture began. They called my dh at 4:30 to
tell him to pick me up in an hour. He comes but they won't let me go
because I had not yet peed. 3 saline bags later, I finally got a
trickle out around 7:30. My dh left at 6:30 pm for an appt. at 7pm he
refused to cancel. I was the last person left in the recovery room and
the nurses were like, gee, what's wrong with you - you haven't peed YET?
I was PANICKING because they said that if I was not able to pee that
they had to call the doctor to put a catherer (sp?) in and keep me over
night. NOTHING SCARED ME MORE THAN THAT NEWS. In fact, I think it
scared the pee so far up inside of me that I thought I would never be
able to pee again.
I normally have a very shy bladder and it was very uncomfortable for me
to have to walk around with no underwear on and keep a pad between my
legs at the same time as wearing a gown open at the back (but I did have
a robe over my shoulders) and wheeling a giant IV (circa 1950) around
while I went to the bathroom for 20 minutes every hour PRAYING to the
Lord PLEASE let some f#@$%'ing pee come out so I can get out of this
hell hole.
I was the last person left in the ward and they were so anxious to get
rid of me so that they could close up the 'day ward' that they said oh,
go wait for your husband downstairs, we trust you that you will get a
ride home (they are not supposed to let you leave unless they see your
ride). They take the IV out and I didn't even care when she had to rip
the tape (and dead skin cells) off my arm and I put on some underwear
and that made me so happy that I was able to go pee some more. You
NEVER met anyone so APPRECIATIVE of the ability to pee!!
I go call my dh to update him on the pee situation and then I go to the
lobbey at 8 pm. I had not had anything to drink or eat ALL day. I was
starved, at the same time my stomach was feeling very nervous and my
bladder was very full. I bought myself a HUGE orange sherbert ice-cream
cone as a treat for me while I waited, then I went to pee some more like
a race horse. Then my dh comes and he was SO sweet he opened the car
door for me (it was snowing too) and I get in and tell him to drive fast
as I had to pee again real bad!!
I found it hard to sit still the rest of the night as my tummy felt very
nervous, plus the full bladder doesn't help. But no pain. Also, I bled
a little bit in the hospital but nothing really since I've been home.
My mom told me that after birth that you have to pee too before the
nurses will let you go home. Wow, that sounds like fun now that I know
how SHY my useless bladder is in public.
Anyway, I could talk for pages more but my left wrist is about to fall
off my arm; the IV hand.
I'm feeling very disappointed at this turn of events, among a thousand
other emotions.
I'm also furious at my mother as it seems she has told my other little
sister that I was pregnant and is now harassing me to tell her about the
m/s. Excuse me? You break my confidence and then you expect me to
clean up your mess while I am being traumatized? Apparently my little
sister is hurt that I had told my older sister the news but not her. I
have 3 brothers and 3 sisters and I only told my older sister because
she was pregnant (two weeks ahead of what I was supposed to be). I am
disgusted with her (mom) right now and I would not let her come over
with an apple pie today (Sat.).
Plus, now I have to tell about 5 ladies at work about my bad news. That
is really a hard lesson about keeping my big fat mouth shut.
Plus, my best friend since grade 1 is pregnant and is due 3 weeks ahead
of what I was supposed to be. I am now feeling very jealous of her and
my older sister and wonder if I can still be enthusiastic (sp?) for
them. I am very bitter about how I feel nature has played a very CRUEL
joke on me.
Right now I feel like I never want to get pregnant again because I am so
scared of having to have another D&C. The thought of anoher D&C frankly
terrifies me. I told my mother and my sister that I will not be trying
for another year as my dh and I are tearing down our bungalow this March
and I don't wan't to be pregant while we are building a new house. BUT
I do intend to try as soon as I can.
It will take 4 to 6 weeks for me to get a period, and then 2 weeks after
that I will try to get pregnant again, but this time I WILL TELL NO ONE,
esp. big mouth mommy, (that's where I get my big mouth from).
Okay, that's enough blubbering out of me for the next 3 months. I will
be sticking around the mail list for now just to read about what you all
are going through. I think I will find it very useful for the future
(God willing).
Ms. "no pets, no babies and no fetus and feeling very sorry for
myself and great new sympathy for those that have experienced a miscarriage" Looney