Missy's Journal August 31, 1999 Well, I’m back!. I’m still doing the low-carb thing, but am still not seeing any results. I’ve decided I’m going to give this diet one more month (September), and if I’m still not seeing any results, I’m going to switch to something else. Probably the Suzanne Sommers diet; it’s similar in that it’s fairly low in carbohydrates and sugars, but allows you some! I’m beginning to think my body needs more of a balance in the carbo/protein/fat area. Maybe I’m getting too much of one and not enough of the other. I don’t know. I know I have been thinking of going back to my Dr., but I’m just to embarrassed and ashamed to walk back into that office actually ten pounds heavier then the first time I was there. I just can’t face him. I know he wouldn’t judge me, or anything, but I just feel badly about being such a failure! At this point, I have to lose it on my own, or not, as the case may be. So, all I can think to do is keep working out, and keep low-carbing, and see what happens in a month’s time. Everything else in my life is going really good! Family is healthy, work is actually fun, it’s been sunny and warm, but not too hot! Unfortunately, it’s quite dry, too, so there’s a fair risk of wild fires, but we’ve been very lucky in this area that we’ve only had a couple, and they were put out quickly. The road construction I’ve been dreading keeps getting pushed back because they haven’t got all their equipment, yet, which is fine with me! This is going to be a complete nightmare - a three-year project to add two lanes to the part of the freeway that goes over a grade. I may take the bus! I may still be late to work, but at least I wouldn’t be stressed out about sitting in traffic! Well, that’s about all I can think of for right now. Until next time, I am very truly yours, Missy August 22, 1999 Well, I just don’t know what to say today. I finished my period, so I figured it was safe to step on the scale. When I did, it read 180. I double checked the settings, and tried again. Again 180. I can’t believe it - I gained the five pounds back! I can’t imagine how or why this has happened! I behaved myself all week, I swear! I haven’t quite made 8 full glasses of water the past three days, but that couldn’t possibly make me put on 5 pounds, could it? I’m very confused, frustrated and annoyed! I’m not really depressed at all, just really pissed off! I’ve done all this work all month, and although I knew that my weight would be off during my period, I figured I could look forward to possibly losing an additional 3 pounds when it was all over. To be back at the weight I started at, is very discouraging, to say the least! I’m really not sure what to do now. I need a couple of days to think things over. No, I’m not giving up, I just need to figure things out. I guess I should re-read the books, or something. I’ll figure something out, don’t worry! I’ll be back in a couple days! Until then, I am very truly yours, Missy August 19, 1999 A treat for you all. I found an old journal entry from the end of my Phen-fen experience you may find interesting. Or not. I really don’t care. Actually, I just can’t think of anything to write today, because I’m thinking and planning too much, so I’m just wussing out with this! Thinking, and planning?? What’s this?? Possible site reconstruction??? Another name change??? My own domain??? Who knows? I’m just having a little pre-mid- web-life crisis! LOL! Anyway, this entry is from October 15, 1997, and was written in a Mead Five-Star Fat Lil’ Notebook in black ink. I have not included parts of the entry that were irrelevant to dieting, or had bad language in it: “ After wk, I went to the Dr. This morning I was 138 at home and they had me at 141 (mj’s note: that’s right, gang, I’d actually lost quite a bit of weight back then! )! It’s still not bad; 4 weeks ago I was at 148! Their scale just weighs heavy! He gave me some new stuff w/ St. John’s Wort in it that will hopefully work as well as pondomin. (mj’s note: I’d actually gone off the Phen-fen sometime in August, and was starting to have difficulties.) I told him it’s been real hard lately even though I am still losing. He told me to keep taking the B’s and Borage Oil for my depression. He wants to see me in two weeks to see how the SJW (St. John’s Wort) is working. He said it could take that long to kick in, so I’m not sure if I’ll have anything to report to him. I picked up some of those protein bars, so I’ll be able to take those to work. (mj’s note: they were the Pure Protein bars, and were disgusting! ) I just can’t eat first thing in the a.m., so it’ll be good to have something to chew on every once in a while while I’m in the office, and it’s not messy. (mj’s note: the bars aren’t messy, that is.) He (the Dr.) said to keep them in the fridge, so I’ll have to see if I can find room. I hope they don’t melt too much in the car! I parked in the shade, but it’s hot today! I’m at Applebee’s binging on a burger and fries (mj’s note: looks like the beginning of the end of that diet!)! Yummie! Sigh! Must remember to stop at Natural Harvest and see if I can get my B’s and C’s in liquid form. I hate taking all these huge pills 3X/day! It makes me nauseous. I’ve got tons to do. Best not think about it, I’ll freak out! I guess I’d better go ahead and take all those pills and see if they really help. Dr. said something about using anti-depressants in replacing pondomin - I’ve heard prozac! I’d love to get some! Of course if these things work, all the better since they’re natural. Ahh! Carbs! The ceratonin’s definitely up right now! How long will it be before I plunge into darkness? I spent all day yesterday in the black pit of despair. I mentioned it to Dr., but we didn’t really get into it. I don’t really want to get into it. Opening up too much frightens me. But, maybe I’ll mention it next time if the supps aren’t effective. Mention the up and down bit and the ADHD (mj’s note: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Maybe. I’ll let you know. Missy” (mj’s note: yes, I’ve used the name Missy in my diaries for the past several years, so this is not new! A lot of people call me Missy sometimes, too, so I guess it’s not so anonymous anymore!) August 16, 1999 Hello! I know I’m being a terrible diarist, but I just can’t come up with anything to say! I had hoped to come up with some fantastic, clever, creative, witty narratives, but I’m just not a very creative person! Anyway, things are going well. I’m getting “my friend” for her “monthly visit”, if you know what I mean, so any weight loss will be hidden for about a week. Before that, I was doing okay, but I forgot to weigh myself before the event, so I’m not sure if I lost anything last week or not. It didn’t really feel like it, but it’s hard to tell early on. Hmmm. Been shopping, again. Found a cute pair of jeans with butterflies embroidered on them. Couldn’t resist, but at least this time I bought a realistic size - 11/12. I may be able to get into them by Christmas! I would really like to get back to a size 7/8, but I don’t know if that’s realistic anymore. In fact, I’m not at all sure what’s a realistic goal for me at all now. Is 7/8 possible, or should I just settle for 9/10? I would really love to be in the single digits again, but I just don’t know. It’s happening so slowly that I’m unable to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I know that’s better, though, because it gives my skin time to shrink down as the fat disappears. If you lose a lot of weight too quickly, your skin doesn’t have a chance to go back and it just hangs there. I know I’ll have that problem with the back of my arms, since I let them get fat and flabby, and apparently those “wings” never go away without surgery. So, even if you lose weight in your arms, you still look crappy in sleevelss tops. Of course if you have surgery on them to remove the extra skin, you get smaller, firmer arms, but you end up with a nice long scar on the back of your arms, so you can’t really wear sleeveless tops anyway! Unless you want to show off your scars! Catch-22, I believe that’s called. I’ve never read that book, maybe I should! Sorry, I know I’m rambling, and not really making any sense. I can’t really think of anything to say, but I feel guilty for not writing for so long. Well, I guess that’s good enough for now. Hopefully, I’ll come up with something clever and witty very soon! Until then, I am very truly yours Missy August 10, 1999 Well, hello all! Not much going on in Missyworld lately - ho hum! Well, I only lost one pound last week! Pretty frustrating considering the success I experienced last week! I was bad and had some vino on Friday, but that was it! I guess I really didn’t exercise as much as I should have - I started doing the NT at home, but only manage between 10 and 15 minutes at a time because things keep coming up. You see, I had it planned out that I would NT for 30 minutes starting at 9:00 PM, then I could shower at 9:30, and be ready for bed by 10:00, where I could do some reading for a hour before trying to sleep. Sounds pretty good, eh? Well, as they say, the best laid plans . . . Things keep coming up at or around my work-out time! People keep coming over to visit! And, I can’t be rude and say “Well, you can stay and visit, but you’ll have to come out to the garage with me so I can do my work-out!” So, I either do a short work-out, or not do it at all. And, for those of you saying I could just work out earlier or later, it just won’t work, and here’s why: I don’t get home until 7:00 PM, then I have to have dinner, and digest it a bit, which brings us up to 9:00, and I simply don’t want to work-out later because I’m just too damn tired! Well, I guess it just takes time to get into a new routine! I must say, however, that I am enjoying the NT, so there’s no problem with that! Also, I didn’t take my Hydroxycut as faithfully as I did the week before. I’m trying to be better at that this week, and see if there’s a difference! Well, I’m going to try to lose ten to fifteen pounds by the end of September. I’m going to a party around that time, and would like to be able to wear one of the cute little dresses I presently have inspiring me from my bedroom wall! As well as dropping inches from my hips, I’d like to shrink and firm up my knees a bit, as they’ve gotten fat and gravity has taken over over the past year! I’d also like to lose some of the flabby upper arms I’ve developed, but I know that’s going to take a little more time - maybe by the end of the year! I’ve already lost a good chunk of my belly, which is REALLY nice! Unfortunately, I’ve also lost weight on my chest, and by that I mean my breasts! My bras are all too big now, and are uncomfortable and look terrible under tee-shirts and tank tops! I’m going to try to hold out until I reach my goal (or Christmas time, which ever comes first) to see if I lose more there or not. Then I’m going to Victoria’s Secret and splurging on some really nice new bras and panties! Special Christmas gift to myself! Until then, I’m going to try to take the cups in a bit, just so they’re not bulky! I don’t remember losing weight from my breasts the first time I lost weight, but maybe I hadn’t gained there then. Anyway, I’m dealing with it now, and it bites! Well, that’s all for today! Good Low-Carb Luck to all of you! Until next time, I am very truly yours, Missy August 4, 1999 Well, I tried the ketosis stick last night and was surprised to find my colour was a fairly dark pink! It's somewhere between the second to the last and the last (darkest) colour on the chart on the side of the container! Also, stepped on the scale this morning to find it one pound lighter then the last time I stepped on it! That puts me at 175 now! Ok, now this is getting interesting! Yeah, I know I was only going to weigh myself on Sundays, but I was curious, and couldn't resist! Last night I hit the gym and did the arm excercises, then went home and did some Nordic Trackin'. I actually only did about 10 minutes on the NT, because it took nearly my entire 30 minute block to set the darn thing up! It's in the garage next to my car, so I had to move it, put it together, use it, then take it down and put it away! It's really not that bad, and I think once I work out a system, it'll go up and down quite quickly and easily! I also had to figure out how to rig up a fan to blow on my face, as it's been incredibly hot here lately. Then my Walkman ran out of batteries, and I had to hunt down some other ones only to find they didn't work, either! By the time I got all that done, I was exhausted, so I could only manage 10 minutes - better than nothing at all, right? Anyway, just a brief entry today, I guess. It's going well, and I'm starting to feel better. I'm still hungry all the time, but I'm finding some tasty alternatives to the bad snacks I love so much: hard-boiled eggs, roast turkey slices and cheese, lightly steamed broccoli and bleu cheese dressing (I can't stand raw broccoli - even with dip - but I love it steamed with melted cheddar cheese, or just steamed enough to take the icky raw taste out of it, but not so much that it's limp, and you can still dip it!), and yes, I've even gotten desperate enough to try a few pumpkin seeds (it's too much of a pain to get the darn nut out to make it worthwhile!) and pork rinds (one word: disgusting!). Well, I'd better run! Until next time, I am very truly yours, Missy August 2, 1999 Well, for all my whining the other day, I did manage to lost weight last week! A whopping 4 pounds! That puts me at 176. Hey, it may not be much, but it’s better than a kick in the head! Or, so I’ve been told! Anyway, I was even a bit naughty over the weekend, and had some vino, but it didn’t seem to make much difference. Unless, of course, I’d actually lost 6 pounds, and put a couple back on before weighing in on Sunday! The diet really hasn’t been as bad as I’ve made it out to be. True, I had been hungry and craving easy, yummy snacks, but I was able to find alternatives with the food I’m allowed, and that helped a lot! Oh, another thing I found - sugar-free Jell-O snack packs! They’re perfect for lunch bags, or afternoon snacks! Just thought I’d share that with y’all! I keep forgetting to use the ketosis sticks, though . . . I’ll have to start doing that! Well, yesterday, I tried a couple more recipes from the Atkins book (the little cook book, that is, not the diet book): Rosemary Lemon Lamb Chops and the Roasted Peppers in Garlic Oil. I’m not sure if those are the exact names of them, as I don’t have the book in front of me right now, but it’s close enough for government work, as my dad used to say! It was all really good, but there was an awful lot of olive oil, and I had to drain the chops and pepper strips on paper towels before serving them. They were delicious, anyway! The peppers are kind of a pain to do, but hopefully next time I’ll be able to grill outside (too windy), or just use the oven. I roasted them over the flame of the gas stove, and they kind-of burned on the grill. I’m such a messy cook; but I’m a good cook! Mom and I are still having problems with many of the items in my cookbooks. The stuff last night was okay for both of us, but not so with some of the others. I’ve decided I’m going to quit the gym, and just use my poor, old neglected Noridic-Track at home. Mom and I made a space for it in the garage, and it cools down enough in the evening that I’ll be able to use it. That way I’ll be able to come home and cook my own meals and still be able to eat before 9 PM! I hope it will work! I’m going to just have to get on the NT after getting home! No sitting down to watch the news, no casual chit-chat; just change clothes and GO! I’m going to have to keep hitting the gym for the next 30 days (you have to give 30 day notice before leaving, and since I’ve basically paid for August, I might as well use it), but I’m planning on just doing some weights, and saving the aerobic part for the NT. Wish me luck! Until next time, I am very truly yours, Missy Get your own Free Home Page