1996 Relapse

 


1996-The year of my relapse - My business "Health Aide Services" was going well and although I was feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed, but never realized that what had started as a successful business was beginning to fold.

The first patient that I had, was extremely special to me. She was a special lady to me. She seemed more than just a patient. She was bed ridden and was a midget.The first time that I saw her startled me, because I had never seen a grown body manifested into such a small body. Anyway, she had very little family and only one niece in Wilson. I would bring this patient to my home for Thanksgiving and Christmas Holidays. This was what she wanted and all I wanted was to make her happy. To make a long story short, she became sick in April of 1996, which led to her being hospitalized. I never went to the hospital to see her and part of me feels guilty about this. On Sat. evening she had called me to tell me that she wanted to go home. I explained to her that we would be taking her home very soon.

About one hour later I received a phone call where my assistant asked to speak to my husband, Mark. I thought that was unusual, to ask for him and then it suddenly dawned on me that she had passed away. I then knew that when she said that she wanted to go home - that it was not to her residence. I was deeply upset, crying at the point that you would have thought that this had been a close family member.

The family asked that I pick out what she was to wear and I picked out one of her favorites and placed a guardian angel on the collar and a cross that I had given to her. He favorite was pink. I was even asked to contact the minister which I felt that this was really not my responsibility, but I did this anyway. She had a graveside service, that I could not bare to stand and listen about all of her good qualities (which she had many), so I just walked away and stood with the assistants that had helped with her treatment. I have not returned to her grave site. Maybe it feels to
painful. I had several other patients at that time, so I kept the business going, but knew that I would not take on any more patients. I would eventually dissolve the company.

In approximately May,'96, I contacted a real estate company at Carolina Beach to rent part of an ocean front cottage that I had seen in the past summers called "Southern Comfort". It was a dream that I had had for a couple of years and I knew that I was going to make that dream come true in 1996 and I did. I went ahead and paid for the cottage before arriving that summer. I knew that I had much more than we would need, but it didn't matter. I contacted a life long girlfriend and invited her family to come down, whenever they wanted to that week. A family of three. They had decided to leave the same day that we were leaving, so I suggested that we follow each other down. Of course, I had a motive
for this. I was beginning to feel alot of anticipatory anxiety. The more people, the better.

My family had been going to Carolina Beach for the past 4-5yrs., because my husband's best friend is the only attorney at Carolina Beach. Although, he and his family live in Wilmington. We have always enjoyed their company, because they are just good ole' folks. Even though we had our own private access to the beach, I did not touch the sand that summer. I was afraid to walk that far, so I stayed up on this huge porch where it felt like you could see for miles and miles. My friend from Wilson did not go to the beach either. I honestly believe that she felt that I was uncomfortable, although she never questioned me.

We would take the kids next door to a swimming pool and I felt safe there. It is always that feeling of safety. It was truely a dream come true, but unfortunately in '97 we did not take a vacation. I guess that it is fair to say that this was because of my illness. By the end of the summer - I stopped the business.

Fall approached and then we had Hurricane Fran that swept through Wilson. By this point and time with my stress levels jumping through the ceiling, I immdiately contacted Dr. William Anxiter in Asheville to return for treatment. After all if I had gotten my freedom there, then I could do it again. I went back in Nov. only to find that the entire hospital had changed. It was no longer a private hospital, because Charter had bought it out. It was like walking into a place blind. I found very few
things familiar. I was scared.

I asked my husband to stay over-night in Asheville because I did not know if I wanted to stay. The nurses station was larger, no staff members were familiar, and the alcoholics that were once on another floor, was on the Psych. floor. Their was an open and a locked unit - that part had not changed. Of course I was on the unlocked. The smoking area had changed. The patients before were able to go out onto the large porch and smoke and this had changed to a little fenced area where you could hear several conversations going at the same time. I felt very uncomfortable.

The next downfall was that I would no be seeing Dr. Anixter, because his wife was having a baby and he was taking some time off. I was being Dr. Anixter's Associates, but he had no idea how to treat me. The anxiety was extrememly intense and I was being medicated with God only knows what.

Finally, I voluntarly asked to be placed in the locked unit. I felt more safe there. When I decided I wanted a cigarette, they would let me out to go and smoke and other than that I made no progress. I was asked about ECT, which I had vowed that I would never have had.

I had communication with Mark and he knew that I was not doing well. I do not know how long that I stayed, but it wasn't long before Mark came and picked me up. I went home totally distraut, but glad that I was leaving. After returning home - I do not remember much.

I made it through the Christmas Holidays and through the New Year, but it wasn't long before Mark had Dr. Celeste Good in Greenville do an evaluation. I guess between the two of them, they decided that I was so depressed that ECT seemed to be the only alternative. I was in Greenville long enough for six treatments and thank God I stopped at six or I would have come home a vegetable. Dr. Good did not administer the treatment.

On the day of the sixth treatment, I told Dr. Manley that I would not be going through anymore.That was it. He then asked about the twelve and I said no way. I did not make any friends while I was in the hospital. I did not want to. I did not eat while I was there.

I did go out for my cigarette breaks, but they were very few. I told Dr. Good after the last treatment that I wanted to go home and she agreed. I came home only to find out that I did not remember Hurricane Fran - I had no idea how much of my memory I had lost. Anyway, I was determined that I had to put the pieces to the puzzle together. When I talked with Dr. Anixter, he mentioned that he thought that I was a little on the manic side while in Asheville. I explained that their was a huge
difference in being manic and being afraid. I was graspping at straws while I was there.

That trip to Asheville (with all the shock that I was faced with) is what threw me into ECT Treatments. I was very angry and Dr. Anixter knew it. Dr. Good knew that I was upset as well. It did not work. It only made things worse for me. I felt betrayed, angry, like someone had taken something away from me without my permission. I started looking for an exposure therapist after I had gotten home. Dr. Eddie Tessenear recommended a staff member from his office, Collen Raper.

I have thought of several possibilities, but am not sure if I am on the right track. Before1992 my son was a part our driving therapy, but he was younger then and did not require as much attention. I am wondering if this is just a psychological thing. Maybe Little Mark has nothing to do with this. Then I have thought about sick Terry before '92 - then well Terry in '92 where Mark did not have to worry about me.

For several years, I was going out on my own whenever I wanted and doing what you know most normal people do. Now that I am sick again, but not as sick as before - I think that Mark and Ruth have forgotten what it was like for me to have lost my independence. In other words, I need to rely on you people again, but then can I? Do you really understand?

Am I embarrassed that this has happened and hate asking for help. Maybe I do not want to be the 2nd child in the house again. I hope that I have made some sense out of this for you. It was after my last trip with Dr. Good that hypnosis entered my mind. It had worked before and I felt like whatever it takes.

My father suffered from a stroke several years ago. I had him on a pedestal for years thinking that he was a perfect man. It took me awhile to realize that this was only a fantasy. He is killing himself now with using alcohol and smoking. I am afraid that he is going to die. If he dies, what will happen to me? It scares me and sometimes I feel that I might simply die.
 
 

Last Updated: January 22, 2000

Click here to return to main page